I grab Kobe and pull him in closer.
It's about 9 pm or so and we've been at my house since 6.
I kiss him lightly and lovingly on his neck as he sleeps in my arms.
God! I love him so much!
I squeeze him in my arms smiling knowing he's mine.
Knowing I'm not gonna lose him to anyone or anything unless he wants to be lost.
I'll never force him to love me.
I've told he countless times that if you don't mean it don't say it. To me "I love you" isnt something I throw around.
And I mean if he doesn't love me he just doesn't.
I can't do anything about that but love him none the less and if it comes to the point to break up.... I actually don't know what's I'd do if we broke up.
I look at him. His hairs a mess and his face looks faint and sweet.
I feel tears well in my eyes an I try to blink them back but it's too late to stop them.
I start sobbing uncontrollably for almost no reason at all.
I turn away so Kobe won't hear or be awoken by my tears.
I just can't lose him... I love him sooo fucking much...
I can't lose my Kobe...
I start sobbing more at the thought.
From all the fights we had I wouldn't be surprised if he wanted to break up.
If he does I want him to tell me.
All because he can't trust me because I did something stupid... Amazing! My tears pour down my face more and more and I curl up into a ball and try to contain them.
I gasps when I feel Kobes arms come around my waist and pull me closer to him.
I try my best to stop crying but he's already noticed.
He tucks my hair playfully back then asks if I'm okay.
"Yeah I'm fine." I didn't want him to know I thought we we're going to break up because I didn't want to hurt him if it wasn't true.
I break.
I turn to him teary eyed and all.
A simple "Do you love me?" leaves my lips and I can't help but be scared of what comes next.
"Yes! ... Why wouldn't I?!" Kobe asks in dismay.
I don't know maybe because you're done with my bull shit.
"I don't know" I look away ashamed "sorry..."
He doesn't let me end the conversation.
"No why would you think that I don't love..." He stops an looks right into my scared green eyes. "Do you think I love someone else!?" He asks searching my eyes trying to fine an answer. Or maybe the truth.
I can say the truth.... He doesn't have to look for it.
"No! I'm jus-" I'm cut off by another question.
"Do you!?" He asks in astonishment.
I look at him with tears in my eyes and for once I'm afraid to speak.
Why would he question that!?... Well... I questioned him so....
Tears pour down my cheeks but I barely make a sound and just look into his light hazel eyes.
The same eyes that I love unconditionally.
The same eyes I want to spend the rest of my life with.
I break and tell him threw my face in my tear soaked hands.
"Yes! I love you!" I almost shout it. I cant bare him to think that I don't.
"Are you sure because it didn't seem like it after your whole scene with Brea." He snaps out at me.
I physically feel my heart drop.
"Thats not love Kobe!! I didn't know what to do!! I was caught of guard for crying out loud I pushed her off the moment I realized!.." I look at him astonished.
How can he think that? ... After everything I've done and been threw for him how can he think that??... I look down biting back my tears scared of what he'll say next.
Scared that I'll lose him.
Of all things I've lost I can't lose Kobe... I don't think you find love like this everyday and I don't want to lose it... I love Kobe...
He looks at me in silence as tears roll down my cheeks.
He wipes them away with his thumb softly across my face.
"... I love you like I've never loved before .... You're the only passion I've ever know." I whisper out scared to look at him. Scared to look into his eyes and know he doesn't feel that same. Scared to look at a Kobe that doesn't love me. Scared.
"I don't feel it." He simply says. I say nothing back I'm simply trapped in my thoughts.
How can you not feel it!? I feel it everyday vibrating off my body doing everything I can to contain it! I love you!!
"I just don't think I'm the only one you love..."
I feel his words pierce my heart. I really feel them. Physically and mentally.... I feel dead. As if those words took every passion or feeling out of my body.
"I love you .... You really are the only one..." I whisper threw tears.
I get the courage to look at him.
A painful "I love you" leaves my lips as I stare at him.
Please say it back.
Please tell me I haven't lost you yet.
Please tell me the only one I love loves me back!..
Please.....
"Good night." He says casually as he lays down.
"I love you..." I say it again louder hoping there's been some mistake.
"Good night." He simply says again.
I cover my mouth feeling my tears soak into my skin. They come out uncontrollably as I turn away from Kobe.
I love you Kobe!! ....
"Good night I love you!..." I whisper loudly and shakily threw tears.
"Good night." He says stern almost angry.
My body feels empty.
Once again I feel unwanted.
Unsafe.
And unprotected.
I feel as though nothing can stop the emptiness that consumes me.
My tears stop.
He knows my rules with I love you and he followed them.
At least he's being honest.
It's okay that he does.
It's okay... I think as a single tear rolls down my cheek.
"I love you..." I whisper in the dark abandoned night.
"I love you"
I turn slightly to Kobe. He's asleep already with his jaw clenched.
It pains me to see him like this.
I bite down onto my lip and uncontrollably say it again.
"I love you!...." I whisper out covering my mouth.
Painful tears pierce my skin falling down as I search for one back but find none.
I lay there and look up to my ceiling.
"I love you." I simply say as all my tears stop.
I'm left there empty.
Empty of love.
Empty of warmth.
Empty of life.
Empty of Kobe.
I'm empty.
A/n
I can't put any notes to this other than they were semi real. I fit them like this to go with my book but all the feelings were real.
And yes before you ask he didn't say it back.
Apparently Kobe can't love Olivia anymore....
And Olivia mindlessly loves him.
She loves him more than herself and can't control it.
But Kobe doesn't.
And that's fine... I guess...
No one will force him.
Olivia won't force him.
But she'll love him all she can.
She'll love him no matter what!....
.......
I'm sorry.
Good night😶
HQ
