'Hey adorable' I start to type on my tablet I got for Christmas.
School just started back up again and its been a bare! But I still smile for only one reason.
Well, really one person.
My music pauses to let my messenger notify me of a text.
'Hi beautiful' it reads.
My face breaks into a smile even with how tired I am.
I love it when he says that!
I got back home from school about an hour ago and I've been listening to music and working on this stupid assignment for Ms.Zoell's class. I love the teacher but come on we just got back and you give us three days to do something stupid and pointless that you give us no class time for? No.
But whatever! I'll do it anyways as if I have a choice!
***
I got out of school about 3 hours ago and I finally got done with one assignment and pushed away the rest of my three. I'm in a heated argument with Kobe about which is better, werewolves or vampires.
I'm on the side of werewolves obviously! Like, I'm not an idiot (okay I am but not that much!).
I laugh before posting a comment about Buffy the vampire slayer to our argument.
My radio is blasting my "Crybaby" CD as I walk over to my vanity where it lays.
When I first moved here my father bought me this huge 60s themed vanity that takes up half of my back wall. It was sort of like a 'hey sorry your life was absolutely shit at your moms house please stay with me' gift thing.
It now holds all my perfume and radio and shit.
I take my hair down from the highpony it was in and fluff and scratch at it then growl at my mirror.
Mission accomplished! I'm a fucking lion!
I start to mess around with my hair again before hearing a ding from my tablet.
I look to see what Kobe commented and blush.
He's so adorable!
I comment back and then text Kobe. I type "werewolves" in all caps and send it to him.
He replies with vampires and I just laugh.
Normal couples fight about attention and sleeping with other people and shit... We fight about mythical creatures. Wow.
I put my tablet back and start adjusting my face and hair in the mirror. I take off my sweatshirt that I've been wearing the whole day and throw it to the ground revealing my cleavage.
I back away from the mirror and examine my body; turning and looking and turning again.
I have the flattest ass I've ever seen...
My tits are fine I mean I wish they were bigger but I'm fine with what they are right now but I hate my ass!
Honestly I'd be semi okay with my body if I had a better ass.
I start to think about this a lot.
Actually... I'm not comfortable in my body at all!
I grab my stomach then release letting it bounce back into place.
Ew!... Ugh! I can't pull this off!
I'm not against people having some chub. I'm really not!
It's just they can pull it off and still look adorable and sexy even with what people think are "set backs" while I have to where a pound of make up every day, suck in my stomach, sometimes force myself to puke and wear heels to make my butt look better.
It's a never ending cycle of I'm not good enough.
I don't understand how Kobe could ever like me ... I'm hideous!
I punch the wall next to me and flop down onto my bed.
Why can't I just look like Kris? Or Brea? Or Victoria!? ... They all have natural beauty that shines out no matter what they wear or do. Why can't I just be like them?
In dismay I grab my tablet to see a new text from Kobe.
"You're beautiful." It reads.
I close my eyes smiling so big biting my bottom lip thanking our creator (side note, I'm not really religious but I do believe in a higher powers so I'll say "our creator" instead of god or gods or whatever) that they gave me him.
He's irresistible! I love Kobe so much!
I text him saying I have to go then throw on my dad's old T-shirt I stole from him and reach over to turn off the light. I hop into bed feeling the warm blankets surround me.
I grab one and hold it to my body tightly wrapping it around me. I put a pillow behind it and then realize.
I realized how much I wish I was getting cuddled by Kobe and how much I wish Kobe was holding me, not my blanket.
I slowly close my eyes and think one last thing before I finally fall asleep.
Good night, Kobe. I love you.
***
I sit in Ms.Zoell's class holding my head up with my fist.
Why didn't I go to sleep sooner last night?
I have the biggest headache and Brea isn't helping. She laid it down on me as soon as I got to class.
She told me just how much it hurt her to see me with Kobe and not with her. She also misses Kobe a lot. She explained to me that she didn't feel wanted or loved by anyone, even her new found boyfriend, Arron. But one thing from that conversation stuck out more than Lady Gaga on the red carpet.
She told me at the end of the conversation "I should just off myself right now and jump off a fucking bridge".
I couldn't bare the thought. Yes, Brea is a TOTAL bitch. But she's also a bitch that was there for me when no one was, even if we were little.
I jot down some more notes from the video we're watching on The Crusades.
I mean how could she even think that way!? ... She's so beautiful! It's just one small step in your life. Come on Brea! Get past this! Shoot your arrow!
***
"Hey babe." Kobe says as he walks out of science putting his arm around me.
Ugh! I love that!
"Hi gorgeous." I say as I turn myself to kiss his cheek. Kobe smiles and blushes. He's so fucking cute!
Unfortunately, Kobe and I haven't had our first official kiss. I really REALLY want to (in fact every time we make eye contact is another moment I just want to kiss him) but I'm okay with taking things slow. I just want to keep him happy.
We walk down the hall as Kobe talks to one of his friends and I space out silently, worrying more and more about Brea.
I think Brea and I are on good terms I just need to watch out because she lies constantly. It's a shame too. I honestly thought she was improving.
"Babe, you okay?" Kobe asks breaking into my thoughts as we walk outside; and Kobe and his friend lead to different paths.
"Um... Yeah." I could obviously see worry behind his eyes that he was scared to show so I add "I'm just think about Brea and ... Stuff."
He grabs me and pulls me closer to him forcing a smile onto my face.
He's mine.
"Don't think about Brea, babe. She lied to us and tried to break us up and did all that really fucked up shit. So why are you thinking about her?" I feel Kobes stare but don't look back and continue to walk.
"I don't know... She just told me some stuff she's going threw and I'm worried. I know she's a bitch and all but no one should ever feel like that ... And I mean I still think of her as a friend so..." I shamefully admit that last part. Why do I still like Brea? She hurt me and hurt everyone! ... I don't pity her.... I don't know what this feeling is though.
"Babe... Don't worry about Brea. Do you have contact with her outside of school?" Kobe asks looking at me stopping outside of his bus.
"No... Sadly" I sigh out looking at his perfect face. It has patches of zits and I'll admit not everyone will think its handsome; but to me, its the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. It's the face of someone who I think truly loves me. I don't find that in many people.
"I'll try to text her on her kik while you-" Kobe grabs my scarf pulling me closer to him "my love, listen to Brendon Uries amazing voice and relax and don't worry about Brea!"
"Okay fine!" I grab him and pull him into a tight hug.
I don't know why but Kobe always gives really tight hugs, my theory to this is he just wants to feel my tits, and I'm cool with that.
"I love you!"
"I love you too."
I release the hug and stay to watch Kobe get on his bus. I always watch him on the first step and then start to walk across to mine. It gives me a sense of insurance that he's okay.
Mine. My little awkward starfish. Mine.
