Situation

Chapter 8: The Second Time Leads to the First Time

       I was so hot. I could feel drops of sweat form on my forehead as my eyes opened. I was staring at the wall of my bed. Little sunlight came through the window, and I groggily sat up, kicking the blankets away from my body. I realize why I felt like I was roasting. I was wearing a turtleneck.

     Since when did I sleep in turtlenecks? My mind still fuzzy, I pull the suffocating piece of material of my white-haired head, tossing it to the end of the bed where it went over the footboard. I was still sweating, and I lay on my back.

     I close my eyes and try to go back to sleep, but it was pointless. "Allen?"

     I freeze. How did I forget about Kanda, and what kind of idiot was I? I panic, the blankets were at my feet and my shirt was gone, leaving my chest and arms bare. Leaving my scars open to the world, and more importantly for Kanda, to see. I turn my back to my boyfriend, who was sitting up now, "I'm fine. J-just go back to sleep."

      "Why's your shirt off?"

     He noticed. Was today the day that I'm left for dead? A tear slips down my cheek, and I feel a hand on my shoulder. No, it's not resting there. I wince as two fingers trace over one of my recent cuts, the one on my shoulder and arm. Pulling away, I huddle to the wall. I refuse to acknowledge the fact that Kanda was there. 

     "Allen, look at me," a husky voice said. He knew what was going on. I could tell that much from the way he said it, serious and worried. I turn to meet his gaze, the dark orbs heavily protected. My eyes are streaming down my cheeks like rivers now, and I stare him in the eyes. He said, "Turn around."

     I shake my head, my knees covering my chest from where I was hugging them. He gazes at the sheets between us, "It makes now, I guess."

     I whisper, "What?" I'm not sure if I wanted to know the answer or not.

      "The turtlenecks, not wanting me to touch you, the razor in the shower."

     He stands from the bed, walking towards the door. I want to say something, anything that would make him return to me. I couldn't. The words refused to form, leaving my helpless on the bed. "I need to think," the door shuts quietly behind him as he walks away.

     I feel so many emotions building inside me. Anger for being so stupid as to remove my shirt. Sadness for allowing him to walk out that door. Last, remorse for living.

     My fist makes contact with the wall, and I made the decision then. I wasn't going to hurt anymore. I wasn't going to walk around in shame. I wasn't going to wake up tomorrow morning.

     I bring myself to my feet and walk to the bathroom. I let my shoulder ram into the door frame, pain from the hard contact shooting through me. My hands manage to steady me on the vanity as I search the drawers of the sink for one thing. Sleeping pills. My hand wrapped itself around the bottle, and I let my legs collapse. I hit the tiled floor with a hard thump and I bring my nails across my chest, reopening the wounds there. Watching the blood well from the deep cuts, I sit there for a few minutes.

     It took me so long to do this. I should have left the living world months ago, after the first attempt failed. I didn't want to be here any longer. There was nothing for me to live for because the last person that held my life walked out that door. I could just be with Mana in heaven now.

     The ghosts of my past had haunted me since that day eight years ago. The fireflies and water droplets were the last of my friends, because they were with me that night.

     I pop the bottle cap off. Pouring out the contents, I count the white tablets. Would eight be enough? I used five the last time, so I figure it'll work. I didn't want it to fail again. I take the first one dry, forcing it down my throat.