Saving Grace

Happpiness

10/01

22:22

Today was my first day taking life by its horns. And in order to do that, I ditched school. That's right. I'm a rebel.

But before you think that I'm a bad student, you should know that today is my easy day in class. The hardest class I have is Spanish and even that comes naturally to me.

So, I'm sure you're wondering what I did with my day off. The answer is simple; everything.

Just kidding. Sort of.

I drove to the mountains and hiked the one that my cousin's ashes are at. My uncle marked the place with a big, green rock which I found easily. It's so green and it's huge. How he managed to move it was beyond me. But I took my uncle's old lucky coin there and I buried it next to the rock so that he can be with his daughter. I'd wanted to do it for so long, but I'd just never had the time. But now, now I have tons of time.

It's weird what knowing when you might die does. It frees you. It makes you want to do more and think less.

Well, after I buried the coin, I hiked around and got completely lost for an hour until I chanced upon a woman and her little son. They steered me in the right direction and I thanked them before leaving. Of course, I also took a picture of the scenery. I want to be able to remember things forever if I don't die young.

10/02

20:09

I spoke to Mr. Wesley today. Here's what he said:

"Grace. I'm glad you hang out in here in the mornings. It's nice being able to talk to you. You're a smart young lady."

"Thanks, Mr, Wesley. Now don't take this the wrong way, but you only really compliment me when you want something. So come on. Out with it."

"No. I only ask you if you're smart when I want something. But, to answer your question, I just want to make sure that you're going to keep showing up in the mornings. It's one of the best parts of my day."

I didn't know how to respond to that, so I only smiled and nodded. I wonder if he found this blog. I really hope he didn't. I don't want him to know that much about me.

10/05

02:37

This weekend is a four day weekend and yesterday, after school, I went into his room and I looked at him and said "Is it okay if I have a ten minute breakdown?" e was with another math teacher and he nodded and ushered the other math teacher out of the room while I sobbed. I sobbed and sobbed for no real reason other than that I didn't want to go home.

But Grace, why didn't you want to go home?

Because my home life sucks. My mother is an alcoholic and my grandparents do nothing to stop her and my brother is struggling with his own issues and I'm alone.

But Grace, aren't you supposed to be positive?

Well, my dear readers, it's very hard to be positive when you're depressed. I want to be happy. I really do. But anymore I can't even remember what it's like to be really happy

Back to my story. I sat in Mr. Wesley's room and I cried for a very long time and when I was done, he was done talking to the other math teacher and he came into the room and looked at me before sitting down. I had my head in my hands and he continued to stare at me for a long moment.

"Goofball, why are you having a five minute breakdown?" He finally asked. His voice was gentle, but also awkward because what teacher can handle a crying teenager?

"Because I don't want to go home," I replied. That perplexed him and he stared at me for longer this time before smiling slightly.

"Well, go see a movie. Go drive around. You have a car."

"I have to drive my brother home and as soon as I'm home, my grandma doesn't like me to leave."

He didn't say anything to that. Instead, he talked to me about books and television shows and I finally looked at the time and realized that it was past three. He had stayed longer just for me. And in that moment, I realized he really cares.

I quickly stood up and said goodbye, but Mr. Wesley stopped me and looked me in the eyes which is an impressive thing seeing as he is over six feet tall and I'm barely over five feet.

"I'll see you tomorrow. Won't I?" He asked, maintaining the intense eye contact. I only nodded and offered him a small smile before I left.

And I realized that despite the fact that I'm not going to kill myself now, if I kill myself in the future, he'll be devastated.

So, in case he's reading this blog or in case he ever does, I'm going to say this now; my killing myself is no one's fault. The only person responsible for their suicide is the person who killed themselves.

10/06

22:05

Yesterday was uneventful and so was today. I wasn't allowed to leave the house because I got a D on my math test and my mom isn't happy about it. She also has a lot of stuff to do like homework. Which she needs my help with.

Wait. Your mom is going to school?

Yup. My mom attends college even though she doesn't know what she wants to be when she grows up and she makes me do her homework. And, because I'm a good kid and because I'm scared of my mom. I do it. I writer her papers and do her Spanish homework and because of this, I am not doing as well in my classes. I spend too much time doing my mother's.

I know, I know. Why don't I just stop? Well, that's a secret. One that I won't even share on my blog because if word got out, my life would be ruined. Even if it's a short one, I want to enjoy it.

I want to enjoy life.

10/08

13:11

I've never blogged at this time before. But since I'm stuck at home, why not? And with that logic, why not also write some poetry? So, here it is. Here's some of my poetry...

I tried to save you

But I couldn't

So now I'll water the flowers by you grave

With my tears

10/09

03:45

It's almost four in the morning and soon I'll have to get up for class. I've never been more excited for school. Wait. That's a lie.

I should say that lately I haven't been this excited for school. And that's because I get to get out of the house and do stuff. See stuff. Experience stuff.

At lunch, I'm going with my band friend. You know the one. The one I would take to a concert, but who probably wouldn't bail me out. For the sake of her having a name, we'll call her Mae. With an "e" and not a "y." I like talking with her. She's funny and sassy and we make fun of people we don't like together. Which, I'll admit, is probably not the best thing for a friendship to be based off of. But that's okay.

Well, that's the most exciting thing I have planned. Other than talking to Mr. Wesley. But I don't think that really counts as "exciting."

10/10

23:52

Today was the no bullying day. Which in theory is nice. In practice, not so much. As if kids were rebelling against the No Hate Day they were extra mean. Including the slut who cheated on her boyfriend multiple times. Remember her? Dany?

Well, she called me a bitch and knocked by books out of my hands. So I tripped her. Because, like I said in one of my first posts, I'm a petty person.

I guess that's just how things go, though. We can't have anything nice without people fucking shit up.