Strike (Cake) [Completed] (#Wattys2017)

12: I Wish I Was

It had all gone far too quickly.

            Driving back to his apartment, Luke could still feel Calum's hand in his hair. He could still feel the tingle on his lips from Calum's soft hum. He could still feel Calum gripping his hand just before he'd kissed him and left.

Before he'd finally kissed him. That was the first time they'd ever truly kissed each other. Well...this was the first time they'd been unafraid enough to say something. Luke was endlessly glad that Calum reacted in the way that he did. If Calum had rejected him he didn't know what he would have done. But he hadn't.

Luke wished he could have kept Calum for just a moment longer; even just a few kisses would have been everything for him. But he was still grateful that it happened. And Calum had been the one to do it. Sure, Luke had been kissing his neck just before but...Calum made the conscious decision to lean over and kiss Luke when there was absolutely no reason, no need for him to do so.

            Luke had thought that when Calum picked up his backpack it would be the end of their relationship, maybe even their friendship. Calum would leave that night and the only time Luke would ever see him again would be in class where Calum would have moved back to the far end of the lecture hall. Calum would do well; he would finish all his work and he would participate in class debates. Calum would eventually pass the class, probably with an A. But Calum wouldn't come to office hours; Calum wouldn't go to Feldmann. Calum would be out of his life forever.

            But when Calum made that decision, when he had leaned over and actually kissed him, Luke was sure it couldn't be the end. Luke only hoped he could be alone with Calum again very soon.

            He thought immediately about his office. Was it secluded? Sort of. He had his office where the other TAs did, so it wasn't exactly a full building. But would they be safe there? The TAs and professors were allowed to close the doors during their meetings with students, but they technically weren't supposed to lock them. Luke thought that was a chance he could easily take. At this point, he cared less and less if he was caught, but he was worried about Calum. If Calum wasn't expelled for being with a teacher, he certainly wouldn't be allowed to play football anymore. No, the office wouldn't be safe enough. They needed somewhere completely secluded. Somewhere he could guarantee that no one else would be there. Somewhere like his apartment.

            He suddenly imagined himself pulling up to his apartment in ten minutes and Calum magically standing there in the rain waiting for him, muscle tee weighted down by water away from his collarbone. And Luke would get out and then everything would happen really fast and they would be inside and their wet clothes wouldn't be a problem anymore and—

            But no. Calum was at his dorm. Calum had only kissed him once, quick. And Luke wasn't the kind of person who could do that anyway. He had to remind himself that he and Calum weren't Ashton and Michael. They wouldn't talk the same, they wouldn't act the same, and they wouldn't...be with each other the same.

            Luke came to a stop sign, flicked on the right-hand blinker, and put his fingers through his hair. This was a dangerous game they were playing. But to Luke it didn't feel like a game. And he didn't think it did to Calum, either.

            He needed a drink. No, he didn't need a drink—he didn't want to wash away the faint taste of Calum that lingered on his lips, the smell of Calum's body in his brain. What he needed was to figure this shit out. This was something he had never experienced before—this complete uncertainty about everything. What if Calum really didn't ever want to see him again? What if that kiss was some way of saying, 'Thanks for the memories, gotta go...'? Wouldn't Calum have said something if he wanted to see Luke like that again? Maybe he was overthinking it.