Plot? What Plot?

Don't Think Anyone's Reading This But Whatever.

A/N: I own nothing. Reviews are cool. Oh, and in case anyone asks about Klover's wand, I took a wand quiz for her.

I gazed up and down Diagon Alley in awe as the brick archway pulled away. Holy fucking horse shit. So many things everywhere. Millions of breakable shit ripe for being destroyed by a clumsy moi. Witches and wizards bustled every which way and I felt dizzy just imagining being in that crowd. Good Lord I loved it.

Oh yeah. I should probably mention that Dumbledore sent me a response back. With the address included. So I obviously stole some money from the Dursley's and took the closest bus here. I didn't want my ugly as fuck scar showing, so I was wearing a cheap bandana. So much sexiness, I damn near fainted when I looked at my reflection in the window of the bus. Not because I was carsick. Nope. No way. Fuck you for thinking something like that. Ahem. Anyways, this place was fantabulous with glamorous sprinkled on top. So many bright colors and so much chaos. By snickerdoodles, it was by far the best thing I had ever experienced before in my life.

That's when I remembered I came here for an actual reason besides ogling like an idiot. Banking time! I began forcing my way through the crowd, slipping between old people in robes, young people in robes, weird people, and all sortsa shit. I looked up, thankful that my parents had passed on tall genes, and spotted Gringotts finally. Dumbledore had explained to me that this was the wizard bank where I had money stored away from my parents. Thanks ma and pops! I made my way up the steps and glanced at the words hanging above it with a grin. That was some pretty boss ass shit right there. Gave me the shivers, and made me afraid to even think about robbing this place. I walked inside and froze because guess what the fuck I saw?! REAL. LIVE. GOBLINS.

I've died and gone to Heaven. Like. This is so fucking cool.

After I snapped out of my idiotic staring, I walked up to one of the goblins and waited until he looked down at me with a vaguely irritated look. "Can I help you?" He said.

Oh look there goes my confidence. Bye bye my sweet child, you will be missed! Ahem. Right. He asked me a question. "Um, hi. I'm Klover Potter and I was just wondering if uh, I could get a new key for my vault, and. Yeah..." I trailed off, cursing up a storm in my head for sounding like such a pussy. 'Fucking moron!! Just ask like a normal fucking person!!'

"Yes of course," he began with a greasy smile, "I'll just need a small blood sample to confirm your identity." I twitched. Oh god. Why is this happening. Fuck my life, fuck my life. Haha. Ha. I REALLY fucking hate getting blood drawn. Even if it's just one of those tiny little prick thingies. Strange really, you'd think I'd be used to it after all these years of bleeding almost constantly... Wait no depressing thoughts, go away!

"U-Uh. Right. Sure. You got like a knife thing anywhere?" I shifted from one foot to another starting to feel really uncomfortable. The goblin took out a silver needle and a golden bowl, then handed down the needle to me with the same greasy grin in place. Pfft whatever fuck him. I took the needle and squeezed my eyes shut, before poking my index finger. I shuddered at the tiny pinprick of pain and quickly set the needle down and held my finger over the the bowl.

Some misty shit starting rising up and formed into the words 'Clover Potter' I scowled at the C. I was right. Clover didn't look nearly as badass as Klover. All hail the holy K! Oh right other people were here. The goblin was looking down at me mildly surprised. "Well Ms. Potter, let me get you Griphook. He's in charge of the Potter accounts." He shouted something in another language that I assumed was calling for Griphook. A little goblin that looked vaguely unpleasant came speeding up and proceeded to have a conversation in goblin language. Well gee, thanks guys. Not like I'm standing RIGHT FUCKING HERE or anything. Then Griphook turned to me and gestured for me to follow him.

I'll spare you the boring as fuck details of me going down to my vault and filling my bag full of money. Just know I really liked flying along on the track in those carts. And that I was now richer than I had ever been before in my life. Even counting the times I'd stolen money from my asshole relatives. When I finally emerged into the street with a grin, I was ready to spend lots of money. But first, came wand. Then impulse buying. After wandering around like a moron for a while, I ended up in front of Ollivander's Wand Shop. I'm assuming they sold wands here. I don't know why. Maybe it was just a lucky guess. If you don't recognize the sarcasm, I feel bad for you. I gotta say, I was really nervous about getting a wand. I knew I wouldn't like having to funnel all my magic into one thing to perform spells, but hopefully I could fix that later. I was also super fucking curious as to what kind of wand I was going to get. Like, holy shit I wonder what they're made of!

Welp. I'd never know unless I stopped standing here like an idiot. I stepped inside and immediately tensed up at the strange and quiet atmosphere. Holy fucktrucks, this place felt creepy. I cleared my throat and called out, "Uh... Hello? Y'all here?"

I heard rustling in the back of the shop, and voila! There was the wandmaker man in all his freaky glory. "Mrs. Potter! I've been expecting you for a long time, oh yes. Come come, let me measure you." Oh yeah, that's not creepy at all, strange man I've never met. I stepped forward hesitantly anyways, and a measuring tape started measuring me all over the place, even in places that made no bitchin sense. After a bit, he returned with a large stack of boxes and a gleeful expression. "That's enough," he said and the measuring tape dropped, "Here, try this one. Cherry and Phoenix tail." I took it from him and raised it before he jacked it from my hand and shook his head. "No no, not this one.."

And so began the most ridiculously long wait of my life. He gave me wands and snatched them away almost as quickly, although I did get to explode a few things. Fuck yeah for pyromaniacness! That's a word, I swear. Oh look another wand is being shoved in my face. After he blathered some mumbo jumbo about how it was a special wand, and some guy named Voldeywhore, he handed me a Holly and Phoenix tail wand. I took it from him, and!!

Nothing happened.

Huh. That's strange. No rush of magic, no warmth, no nothing. I have to admit, I was pretty confused that nothing happened. It would be the most obvious plot choice if this was a story after all that buildup. Oh wait I already stated this was real life earlier, didn't I? So this actually does make sense. Ahem. Anyways. Ollivander (I'm assuming that's his name) had this surprised look on his face and hesitantly took the wand back. Oh yeah! Points for this bitch for making him surprised! "Er- well. I suppose we'll have to keep looking then..." He said uncertainly.

Hmm.. My bullshit senses were tingling. Why was he surprised because of a wand? He didn't seem surprised earlier when the other wands hadn't worked. Was I supposed to have this wand as like, fate or some shit? Oops. Sorry universe for fucking up my fate for probably the umpteenth time. Haha, no I'm not. Wait, maybe he was actually surprised. Goddammit I think I'm overthinking this. Oh look he's handing me another box. Focuth Klover, focuth. "Holly and Dragon Heartstring, 12 inches. Very effective in hexes."

I took the wand out of the box and a feeling of warmth rushed through me. Oh. Oh. I felt an immediate connection with this wand. A sort of... Bond. It felt sentient. Huh. I think I'll name it Kenny. Sounds like a fitting name for something I love but will hate to use. "So... I think this is the one Mr. Man." I said after a moment of silence. He was still staring at me with a strange look. "You're different than what I expected Mrs. Potter. Very curious, very curious indeed..."

Oooh shit my weirdness was showing wasn't it??? Fuck fuck fuck, get back in your chest you little shit!! Alright, time to wow him with my awesome social and people skills. "Haha, well this was fun and all, you'll probably need some galleons now right? Right, so lemme get them, here they are, gave a good day, Bye bye!!" See, what did I tell you? He doesn't think I'm a weird shit, anymore!

....Ah hell, I'm screwed socially aren't I? Not my fault assholes, I've never had the opportunity to actually interact with people. Ah, the joys of having an abusive family~ Isn't it a great? Still not seeing the sarcasm? You have much to learn then young padawan.