gay || shaylor

-one last time-

"funny." Adrian chuckled at me. i hummed at him as he smiled sadly at me. "we didn't talk as much yesterday, just a little talk and you already trust me?"

"you don't really seem like a serial killer." i sighed quietly, picking on my food.

"what made you so sure?"

"no serial killers will ask who's their favourite youtuber."

"this is twenty sixteen, Shawn. it's possible, this generation is a risk." he stated as i shrug my shoulder and stare at my now empty bowl. "why me?" he asked.

"huh?" i answered dumbfounded.

"out of any of your friends you could've asked to stay with, why me?"

"you don't know me."

"and?"

"you won't babble about you know who."

"and what makes you think so."

"you look like a guy who hates the past and understands the fact to just try to forget it."

"true." he smiled at my state. "we better get going. which school do you go to?"

"i'll take the bus, s'okay."

_______

Adrian didn't let me take the bus, he said i should come with him. he didn't really want me wasting the money in my pocket from yesterday in the little cafe. i walk to school with Adrian's clothes. black jumper, white shirt underneath and ripped black jeans. no one tried to talk to me. no one. hell not even Taylor.. cause i can't find him and today is a Monday meaning the only classes i have with him is English and Art.

English is first lesson, so i just need to ignore Taylor and Louis. i sat the very back and looked at text from Elijah.

Elijah: hey! Luke, Adri and i are gonna chill in my place after school, well, mine and Luke's place. wanna join?

Shawn: no thank u. i need to study for my science test

Elijah: but we just got off Winter break!

Shawn: we're in the middle of February, Elijah -.-

Elijah: whatevs, take it easy tho and happy valentines day :P

Shawn: you too

Elijah: i have no date :(

Shawn: same.

"right class, settle down.."

_____

it was lunch and i ignored everyone and sat in a seat separated from the others. i'm glad though, i don't really want any drama right now. i sigh as i look down to my food.

what was i to Taylor?

was i a nothing?

just a pity?

another toy?

why does my father hate me?

why am i gay?

my mum is slightly disappointed. slightly.

do my other friends care for me?

are they actually my friends?

is Adrian my friend?

or Elijah?

or Luke?

am i going to start and end my life alone?

does anyone care about me?

should i leave?

never come back?

change my name?

my life?

my taste of music?

my sexuality?

can we even change our sexuality?

funny i'm friends with quite a few homosexual people and yet never ask them how they feel. i'm seventeen and can't even find myself.

what am i to this world?

a mistake?

a horrible creature?

why am i still alive?

am i delving back to my depression?

am i gonna be saved this time?

is Adrian gonna be my savior?

or Elijah? for some weird reason

Luke? Luke is just a guy i met yesterday, so most likely not.

why do i trust Adrian?

why did i trust Taylor?

what made Taylor so special to me?

is he still special?

do i still love him?

the last one is a yes, i still love him, no matter what. i feel like i won't get over that one. the only way is amnesia. to forget my present and past. i want that yet at the same time i  want death and not another chance to live my life. i'm sure i had fulfill it enough and it was too much that it had to tumble down. it's as if they're is a limit for happiness and i wasted mine. it's gone and can't be refilled, and the only thing around the corner is death. i believe that end of happiness, end of life. i didn't believe that before i met Taylor. hell, i didn't believe happiness either. throughout my childhood i kept questioning my sexuality, forgetting about this thing called 'happiness' i got to the conclusion where i found out what was one half of me, which is gay and was disapproved. from my friends and family members. my other half has yet not be found till now. it's always been Taylor. Taylor was my other half for the time being till i actually find my other half.

i found it. it's no different to other people's half. which is limited amount of happiness and then death. i believe so. i cry quietly and no one heard. which is what i wanted. no attention.

i stood up, ditching the rest of school and walked to the cliff and looked at the nice weather. "goodbye world. it was nice being gay."

_______

Shawn Peter Raul Mendes
August 8th 1998 - February 14th 2016
A son, brother and friend

_______

and that's the end of gay! double update because last chapter! this chapter and the previous one was a rush but I didn't really know how else will I write it and I didn't want u guys waiting so I just did it quick. and yea now do u guys understand why there will be no sequel?? Shawn died. i didn't really plan to kill Shawn or get Taylor to cheat on Shawn but i didn't really wanna put up a sequel so thought about killing one of them. i cried writing this chapter. i'm so proud of how this came out at the end. i know it was crappy at the start but hopefully it got better. Elijah is probably already my favourite character tho he just came in the last chapter and wasn't a main. i wasn't planning about Adrian, Luke and Elijah either lol, but then i came with the idea. so i hope you guys liked it! there will be an extra coming out about how Taylor feels about Shawn's death and a little something.. so stick with that as it could come out next week! hope you guys enjoyed this story, i loved writing it and i hope you guys loved reading it.

-still ur mum