Broken Girl

Can Broken Wings Soar?

Love is one of the purest emotions known to man. Next to hatred and fear. You show your true self when you experience these emotions.

Love is purest in its attempt to beguile you into believing that you can't be hurt. It's innocence coming from its naiveté and ignorance.

Fear comes from  the realization that you can be hurt. And the pain―mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual—can and will crush you leaving you nothing but a broken shell of your former self.

Hatred comes from the rage after the pain. After your eyes are open and you realize love can't protect you from pain. Love is nothing but an excuse to blind your eyes from the real world where fear takes away that naiveté and hatred protects you from allowing yourself to ever get hurt again.

You're not whole because they already broke you. But anger will protect you from shattering. Just like it does now. They tore everything I am to pieces and I'm only holding together because I know the truth. Just because you love someone, doesn't mean they love you back and it doesn't mean that they won't hurt you. As soon as you turn your back they'll break you. I'm broken. I've moved on but the type of pain I've been through doesn't just go away it moves with you.

Even now, as I work my shift at Starbucks, I'm always looking over my shoulder, watching for possible danger. Being broken does not mean being weak or dead to the world, it just means at the time you weren't strong enough to protect yourself. But you must never let the cracks show, never let people know you're broken, because the moment they see they will take the chance to widen the cracks, and eventually shatter you. When you're broken you can fix yourself, glue the pieces together. However, when you're shattered, there are too many pieces lost in the darkness to be fixed.

"Sierra, your shift is over. Tomorrow's payday do you need me to call a cab for you?" my boss called out to me.

"That'd be great, my next shift starts at 12," I replied.

"Do you mind taking table ten while you wait?"

"No problem," I say as I walk over to the young guy anxiously sitting by himself. I knew that it would be a minute before the taxi came so readily took his order."Hello, my name is Sierra. What can I get you?" I ask, gently smiling, hoping to ease his anxiety.

"Eh I would like eh a coffee and eh a eh um some pancakes please," he mumbled lowly.

I smiled at how shy he was "Sure thing sweetie," I said and watched his cheeks turn red. "Alex, get me a hot coffee and pancakes," I turn to look at the young man sitting at the table, "two, with powder sugar." He didn't look like he could eat a lot so I knew two would be enough for him. He smiled gratefully at me, happy that he didn't have to say anything. I gave him a gentle smile in return.

Ten minutes later I went to collect his food delivering it to him. "Thank you," he said and I smiled in return. When he was finished his food I returned to collect his dishes. I grabbed his plates and poured more coffee for him. But as he went to pick up the coffee he knocked it over spilling it on me. His eyes widened in shock and he had started utter string of apologies. I had yet to grasp that my torso was burning as I tried to sooth his rambling and get him to understand I was okay. Or, I at least though I was okay. When I got him to calm down and the adrenaline from the situation wore off, I could feel a searing pain on my torso. I tried to stop my face from contorting and pain as not to stress out the gentleman, but when I knew I could no longer control it, I ran to the bathroom to try and soothe the burns.

I looked the door to the women's employee bathroom, and unbuttoned my shirt to look at the burns. My torso was red and I knew that it would blister. I grabbed some paper towels and wet them with cool water, running them down the length of my burns. When the pain had lessened I buttoned my shirt back up and left the bathroom.

"Sierra, I know your shift is over but why did you leave a customer unattended?" my boss questioned.

"He accidentally spilled coffee on me so I went to the bathroom to attend to the burns on my torso," I replied with my head down.

He stared at my face for a long time then sighed. "Well I guess that's fine. You cab is here. I'll just take this out your check," he said as he gave me twenty dollars to pay the cab fare. I smiled at him and walked out Starbucks getting into the cab.

"Sorry I'm late ma'am, the traffic is crazy today for some reason. Where to?"

"It's fine. I'm going to Nando's on 27 Lime street." I sit back and watch the world swirl pass my eyes as I wait to arrive at my destination.

When I arrived at Nando's ten minutes later I hurriedly began my shift. Procrastination wouldn't pay any bills. While I was working I kept thinking of all the things I had to do. I knew I had to go food shopping, and I had to get some lightbulbs. So I knew as soon as my shift was over I would have to rush to the mall. Since I get off at five, I could go to Kings Mall Shopping Centre, sense it is close to me and it closes at eight. That's virtually a 30 minute drive so I'll have two hours and thirty minutes at the mall. I can pick up lightbulbs, some clothes, and dinner there. I'll just go food shopping tomorrow.

Five hours later when my shift was over, I headed over to the mall. The whole way there, I could not help but to think of how my life would've turned out if I had better circumstances, if I had a better life at home. What would that mean for me? Maybe I wouldn't have to work two jobs to make ends meet. Maybe I could be something. Who I am now could never amount to anything. Broken wings were not built to soar, and that's all that's left of me. Tattered fragments of someone I once was.