This world is messed up. We all know it. And I know at least at one point in everyone's life, we will feel depressed or feel hopeless. Don't! And that's coming from someone who gets sad frequently. I'm trying to look at things a better way and maybe we should all too.
One way that helps my sadness is by sharing my feelings. When I was 12, I started developing anxiety and I don't know if this happens with everyone who's anxious but it doesn't let me eat when I'm anxious. So every morning of 6th grade id always throw up my breakfast because my body was just too scared to go to school. Fast forward one year. I'm in seventh grade and not only did I have anxiety, my weight increased. Well, in my eyes it did. And I was really unhappy with it. So id purposely not eat in hopes of me getting skinny. And I already was fairly thin but I met someone who said bikini bodies are everything so yeah. That stuck to my mind. I'd make sure no one noticed. I'd always just say we do a lot of physical activity in PE and it made me lose weight. Now, I was assigned female at birth and at the time I was learning about sexuality. And I thought. Oh. I'm a "girl" and I like girls. That means I'm a lesbean. And I kept that to myself. I never really thought that was something that was worth telling people. Thought it was natural. Fast forward a year later. I'm 14 and in 8th grade. I learned that being gay is a "sin". Boy did I feel horrible about myself. I thought I was disgusting. And I had cut myself for the first and only time. Back to my eating shit. By then I had lost 20 pounds and I was obsess with loosing weight. All I'd do was weigh myself and look up ways how to loose weight because I thought I was fat. I was like 110 pounds and all my clothes were baggy. My extra skinny jeans were lose and my friend was able to fit her whole hand in my boot when I wore it and still have room. And I was getting panic attacks and I was just a mess. Fast forward the summer before my first year of high school. I told my parents I was gay. Not going to get into that. Basically I'm back in the closet. Let's just keep it at that. Still hating myself. But I was getting better at my eating habits. By this time I was 15 and I had met someone. A special someone. Who taught me to open up to people and not to bottle it up inside. So I did what she suggested. I started sharing my feelings and I felt better. Way way better. Thanks to her, me and her are way way way close. Closer than ever. Yes I still am a little reluctant to open my heart up at times but that's okay. That's just me being human. We all have flaws. And our flaws are perfect. But by this time when I was feeling better about myself. My anxiety was getting ten times better and I was eating healthy and not giving a damn about my weight. Then my close friend (not the one I just mentioned) betrayed me and did something that really did scar me. She told people one of my biggest secret and that got around and yeah. Walls got up again and it was terrible. A few months ago I barely started letting myself trust others again and I've learned who I can and can't trust with certain information. And in doing so, I've discovered that I'm transgender. I started learning about gender and yeah. Transgender. And attracted to girls. And a few man crushes here and there.
Why did I tell you a depressing ass story? To maybe in hopes to help you? And talking helps me. If you're going through the same thing. Just know that you can win whatever battle you're fighting. If you think no one cares, talk to me! However I may reply a few hours or a couple days late so don't think I don't care. But you're beautiful or handsome or both. Just try to let go of the past. Whatever made you have such a terrible past, try to forgive that person or thing. Everyday try forgiving it little by little until you've 100% forgiven. It can take a while but it'll be worth it at the end. Let go of the past and start looking into the future. Maybe your parents are always yelling at you. They make you feel no longer a child but a GPA number. Or they'll look at you as the owner of the house and take care of everyone. Or they'll look at you as another one of your family's next high school drop out.
You're different. You were given this power for a reason. Use that for the good and change your legacy. Make yourself be that one in your family where everyone goes that's the first one to graduate or that's the first one to be successful. Don't give up. You may ask. Why you? I'll tell you why. You were given all these horrible things because you're the only one who can handle them and make something out of it. Don't stop fighting.
Believe in something. I'm not saying y'all should believe in God because I know some of y'all don't or are not sure. I'm not sure either. But have some type of hope. For yourself in the future. Be a good person. Call someone beautiful. Tell them how handsome they are. Tell them they look nice as usual. Spread positivity. Just remember you can do anything. And if I've helped with at least one person with this, I've done my job and I hope you all good luck. I love you all.
