So you guys are a big part of my life and I love you guys so much and this book is like a public diary. I tell you guys everything so why not add on to the list of what I tell you.
Lately I just haven't been feeling it. I was perfectly fine not too long ago then out of nowhere me feeling happy just turned into this broken feeling inside. And I'm not looking for pitty. I'm just sharing my opinion with y'all.
Now all I feel in my chest is just tons and tons of stress. I'm a really anxious person and most of the time I don't need to be worrying about certain things at that moment but I still do. I try to just take a deep breath and remind myself that I'm only 15 and that it's going to be okay. Like what my friend says, it only gets worse before it gets better. I know that may seem a bit harsh but in some cases it's the truth. And we all have experienced that
To give you an example of what I'm stressing over is whether or not being accepted into my dream university. There are just some nights where I try mapping and planning out all my classes for the next three years of high school since I'm ending my freshman year (9th grade for you non-Americans). You need to get a certain amount of credits for certain categories and I just stress out cause I think what if I fail or what if I have to take night school.
Earlier this week I went to my councillors to pick out my classes for next year and I chose AP European History, English 2 Honors, Algebra 2 honors, Regular Chemistry and Spanish 2, and health careers academy.
At my school, the AP teachers do not mess around. My cousin said that all AP teachers are chill at her school so it's different for every school I guess. AP stands for Advanced Placement.
"It's a college level class taught at a high school campus. Every one hour college class equals two hours of homework and studying per night"
⬆️That's what my councilor said when I asked her on a scale from 1-10 how hard AP is. It freaked me out so much I memorized it word by word.
So imma have two hours of homework every night AT LEAST and on top of that honors and regular classes homework.
Going to hell guys 👺👍🏻🔥 I'll tell y'all how's the devil like.
Why am I taking hard classes? Because I want to get a good GPA because I'm stressed about universities seeing my GPA and say ew and throw away my letter.
Monday was volley ball try outs and I didn't go cause I was nervous and I was afraid it was going to interfere with my classes and homework.
Then in 7 weeks, finals are coming up and I'm shitting my pants. And whatever grade I get on the finals and drop my grade down if I get a bad grade so I'm studying now but I'm worried if on the day of test I freak out and forget everything. Or I study the wrong section because that has happened to me before.
And I might start going to driving school over the summer and I'm scared of what if I run over someone or get in an accident and die.
I look in the mirror and I see this decent looking, stressed the fuck out girl. I don't feel myself anymore. I feel like a devil did his satan magic and traded bodies with me and he's controlling every thing inside me. Like if he's slowly ripping my body apart until I collapse.
And I started having tooth dreams and apparently if you have tooth dreams that means you feel lost and stressed out.
I'm about to rip off my head. Unless the devil rips it off before I can do it.
I need help
*deep breath and closes eyes* I'm only a freshman. I'm only a freshman. Get your shit together Vanessa.
I'm sorry I needed to get that out of my system. Enough of me. How are you guys doing? What have you Been up to? Anyone wanna give me a virtual high five? 🖖🖖🖖
