Everyone Died+My iPhone Stopped Working: An Oral History of The Robot Apocalypse

A Cone-Headed Pimple Factory

Dougal & Kevin

New Parents

Dougal and Kevin have that familiar glazed New Parent look. Their newborn sleeps in a bassinet, and they keep glancing over at it nervously, terrified their child might wake up.

Dougal: Aaron Rubicon, meet Baby Question Mark!

Aaron: I'm sorry... what?

Kevin: That's what we're calling it until it picks a name for itself.

Dougal: I wanted to call it Baby WTF, but apparently, that's nuts.

Kevin: It is! It would be terrible for its self-esteem.

Dougal: As opposed to referring to it as "it"? Which, as everybody knows, is the pronoun of champions. LOL!

Aaron: Well, either way, congratulations you two. Your baby is beautiful.

Kevin: Aw. Thank you!

Dougal: Is it beautiful, Mr. Rubicon? Is it really?

Aaron: Um... yes?

Dougal: Which is its most beautiful feature, do you think? The acne? The crossed eyes? The squished head that looked like it had spent the last nine months stuffed into the nose cone of a rocket?

Kevin: What are you doing?

Dougal: I'm just being honest, Kevin. Babies are gross!

Kevin: They are not!

Dougal: Seriously? Remember what happened the first time I held it? It pooped on my hand! Didn't even ask permission! What kind of person does that?

Kevin: A baby person! And it wasn't poop, it was meconium.

Dougal: Oh, excuse me! It was meconium! Then it's not disgusting at all! Hell, if I knew it was called meconium, I would have spread it on an English muffin and enjoyed it with my morning coffee!

Which, by the way, I need to drink by the gallon! The coffee, not the meconium. LOL! I mean, they tell you how tired you'll get, but — OMG! — it's like getting your back waxed. Until you go through it yourself, you have no idea!

Kevin: Yeah. It's torture. Literally torture! The loud, piercing noise, the sleep deprivation. If you did it to POW's, it would actually violate the Geneva Conventions.

Dougal: [cutesy] You're not just a cone-headed pimple factory, Baby Question Mark. You're a war criminal! Yes you are! Yes you are! LOL!

Aaron: So I guess parenthood has been challenging?

Dougal: Let me put it this way. I now understand why God made sex feel so good.

Aaron: Why?

Dougal: To trick you straights into making what is so obviously the biggest mistake anybody could possibly make!

Kevin: Besides buying one of those Smart Cars, of course.

Dougal: Thanks, Mr. Consumer Reports. Anyway, that's the real reason straight people hated gays. They were jealous! Because we had beaten the system! We found a work-around in the form of a reach-around! LOL!

Kevin: You had to go there.

Dougal: Couldn't stop myself! But I mean, talk about your bait-and-switch! One minute, it's like every cell in my body had just bitten into a York Peppermint Patty at the same time — what? that's what orgasms feel like to me! is that weird? — the next, I'm gaping in horror as Baby Question Mark claws its way out of Kevin's hoo-ha looking like someone had smeared strawberry jam all over Steve Buscemi's face.