Summary: It's been five months since Frank Iero left Gerard Way, but maybe that was okay.
((title obviously taken from " I'm Low On Gas And You Need A Jacket," by Pierce The Veil.
*Shed's single emo tear.*
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I'm starting to forget. I have forgotten the way your skin felt on mine. The way you kissed me like I meant everything. Like if you weren't kissing me you would forget how to breathe- you would forget how to inhale oxygen. You told me you didn't love me and that I meant nothing, that you just pitted me. That I was disgusting; I was painted in my own guilt at the time. When you said that, I was mad and angry that you were trying to make me hurt, wound me. You always said disgusting things when you were angry. I now know you were lying. You were trying to make me hurt. It doesn't anymore.
Of course I figured you were lying then too. Although, I wasn't positive. You loved me. Or I think you did. The whole relationship you treated me like an object. You told me I treated you like that, I guess you always were pretty hypocritical. I think this is what closure feels like. I hadn't thought about you in a while. I'd use your name while giving advice to Ray sometimes. Bob too, they started to hate you. They eventually told me they always had, it wasn't my fault. I was angry. You know you did the same.
They saw how you treated me- and damn I made mistakes. I made plenty. You act like I was never there, I gave up friends for you you know? You clung onto me like a child clung onto a blanket. You shouldn't have. I guess I understand why you did. So many people left you Gerard. I thought you were perfect- you didn't deserve that.
I realized why they might have left now.
I get pangs of random nostalgia sometimes. It's mostly gone now. It doesn't hurt at all anymore. I thought about the first time we made out. How my whole family caught the hickey that rested on my neck. I thought it was beautiful because you did it.
You were fucking beautiful to me.
I thought about our first kiss and how I was so naive. I felt like you were so mature. So experienced, as I got to know you more, I learned that wasn't true. Feeling more mature than you sometimes. Sometimes you were more mature than me though. I was almost jealous of you sometimes, how beautifully you could draw. How chill you seemed as we gave rushed hugs in the hallways. I learned that wasn't true either. You were clingy and desperate, at first I enjoyed it. I felt wanted. I got used to it until people started complaining. You were the only person I talked to all summer. I regret that now.
Our relationship started feeling forced. You were mean to me you know that? You probably felt the same, but jesus you got so mad all the time over the stupidest things. Gradually I didn't want to be with you anymore; but I did. Not you, the you I thought you were. The you I 'fell in love' with about a year ago. Even though in reality we were only together for about a few months.
You felt like home at first. I'd see you and blush. I got so flustered. It's funny how when we started dating I got so confident so fast. I was more dominating- or at least I thought. In reality it only seemed that way
I think you knew you had me wrapped around your finger. I didn't.
It was about three months in when my friends sat me down to have a "talk"
"We just think Gerard is controlling you. Has he hit you? Don't you realize!"
"He's aggressive. He's so rude to you, you deserve so much better than him!"
"He does not love you. If he did, he wouldn't treat you like that."
I shrugged it off. Although I was beginning to realize. I remember when you told off Bob because I ignored you while talking to him. I didn't ignore you. I never did, I always listened. If I didn't listen I at least heard. You said disgusting things. When he showed me the message to me I think I cried more than he did. I never thought you'd say those things to me in time.
You were becoming a monster. I wanted old you back, the one I lost my virginity to. The one that drew pictures for me and called me beautiful. The one who excited me while I was with them. I really cared for you.
I can't say I loved you. We said we did, but in all honesty Gee, we were so naive. I have changed so much since then. It's hard to say i've changed though when I can't really remember who I was. I just remember feeling like nothing mattered. Like everyone around me was my best friend. I think that's why I got hurt all the time.
When we broke up, I realized how much most of my friends sucked. I didn't cling onto most of them like I did. I think i'm better off being less naive. I know things will change soon. I'll meet more people, I'll fall in love. I'm starting to fall in love with the trees and the skies and the sound of the leaves beneath my shoes . I draw now. I might never get as good as you, but god it feels good to do something outside. I used to spend all my time talking to you, inside and damn it really sucked. At first it was good, before we were dating. I loved the feeling of going to school with sleepy eyes if it meant talking to you. You called me beautiful all the time. I started to believe you. I loved it when my friends asked me why i was so tired and i just said you, mentioned how we talked all night long. My friends were happy for me in the beginning.
i'm just not mad anymore. I still don't smile at the thought of you, or think good about the bad times, or the good times. I don't really think about you at all. It feels good, two months ago I hated you. I sat talking about you with my friends, it made me feel good knowing I wasn't the only one angry at you. Besides, they always started the conversation.
But the thing is, I find it immature now. It just doesn't matter. I'm sorry I did that, although part of me feels like I don't owe you an apology even if you think I do. This isn't an argument though. I know you did it too. I know you talked shit about me, posted things on the internet about me. You cuberbullied me for fucks sake. You said you didn't but you know you did. You know I saw. It was at that point I was scared of you. I had panic attacks thinking about our relationship and how i thought everyone would treat me the way you did, make me care, make me feel happy, then rip it apart.
This isn't me blaming you either. It was both of our faults. We both fucked up, and you can say i'm disgusting and it's my fault all you want. It won't matter. It just doesn't anymore, I can't remember the color of your eyes anymore unless I really try. I can't remember what your voice sounds like, I can't remember your scent or really anything. It feels good not caring.
I don't hate you anymore, I don't really like you Gerard, but I just don't care anymore . I think this is what closure feels like.
I felt lost for a while, but I think today I found myself. I learned a lot. I haven't cared in a while but, today I also didn't mind. I don't regret anything. Everything that happened made me who I am. It's fucking life I guess.
But i'm great. Everything feels good again. I feel so confident and free. You do too I bet. So I guess that's it, I reached happiness. I reached being okay. Life happens Gerard, but i'm okay with that now. I won't loose sight of what's important anymore.
i think i know what closure feels like.
-xofrnk
okay tbh this oneshot means so much to me.
