Downworld

Chapter 18

Content warning for this chapter: Jay discusses how when he was fourteen he engaged in sex work, and self harm/self destructive type behavior. It is one paragraph, marked with ***. This will be the last chapter specific content warning, though I will remind everyone of the general content warning in chapter 1. Sorry for all the dark stuff, the next few chapters are lighter, I promise.

I was so tired and worn that I didn't want to do anything the next day. We went to the hospital anyway, because not going wasn't an option. They'd put Isamu in a private room in the kid's ward -- no doubt Malik had tossed some money at them for that -- which had walls covered in framed art apparently done by former patents. It was odd to be surrounded by so much color in such an otherwise sterile place.

He was awake, sitting up and hugging a pillow to his chest, but didn't look at me or Malik as we entered.

I was surprised to see Kip there, sitting in a plastic chair in the corner. He took advantage of our entrance to grunt that he needed coffee, and wander off. I stared at his back as he left, and wondered how much I owed him for this.

Malik perched on the windowsill. The window was barred, and I suppressed the urge to go scream at the hospital staff because someone with enough desperation could tear up the sheets and use those bars to hang himself.

I took a breath, before dragging over the chair Kip had vacated and sitting at Isamu's side. He still didn't look at me.

'I'm sorry you felt so bad that you had to do this,' I managed to say, though my throat felt scraped raw. How inadequate that was, how inadequate I was. Destroy downworld? How could I do that if I couldn't even protect one stupid kid? It was not really the same thing, but I don't think I'd be able to see the point of changing our world if Isamu died.

I'd made no progress in the last year but to try and get myself better and figure out whether I should involve Malik, because it had occurred to me that Malik could be a good weapon against downworld. My feelings for him didn't change anything. I hoped he'd forgive me, because Malik was too good a piece not to play.

Isamu buried his face in the pillow at my words. I waited, but he didn't say anything.

I cleared my throat. 'I know I'm being a selfish bastard, but I can't go through that again. I can't. I'll give you anything you want, I'll do anything you want, for however long you want, just please don't do that again.'

He finally looked at me. He was still looking through me like he had been before he'd tried to kill himself. He swallowed a few times before he spoke. 'I don't want to go back to them. My parents. I hate them.'

Like fuck he'd be going back to them, I was almost glad he didn't want to. 'Okay. I'm moving to the castle.' I hadn't exactly talked to Malik about this, but I didn't think I could live in that apartment anymore, mod cons or not. 'You can have a room there.' I pretty sure Malik and the Red King would be okay with that too.

'I don't want to go back to therapy. It doesn't work.'

I sighed. 'Kid, you have to go back to therapy.'

'But you said I could have anything.'

'Without therapy, I would probably be dead, Isamu, at the least I'd be the same angry zombie I was before I started. If you want a different therapist we can do that, but you are going to therapy.'

'Fuck you.' He pushed the pillow at me. 'I hate you. I hate you. I wish you would die.'

'If that's what you want.'

'Jay,' Malik said, taking half a step forward, but I raised a hand to stop him.

'But not yet,' I added. 'There are things I need to do first. I have to stay long enough to make sure the Smoke Princess doesn't kill Malik when his father dies and I have to stay long enough to make sure you're okay.' And I need to find a way to dismantle downworld, I didn't say, because you didn't say things like that out loud.