Love is just a lie the foolish talk

Bringing back Benjamin

There was a message on my screen, one that I didn't want to hear about or see, nevermind read because all it could remind me of is what a bad person I had been in the past and how I lost a friend without even knowing it was happening and the only two names that made sense were Benjamin and James. Brothers till the very end. In all truth, I didn't have anything to say at all. Nothing.

James was gone and had been for at least a year before but who kept their eyes on time when you didn't even know when the couting began. So much bullshit went up about what happened. Was he beat up by a gang? Or did he have Cancer? Or maybe just maybe, did he just die? Just drop dead one day and there was nothing anyone could do and I suppose I should of thought it mattered and I should of tried harder and forced them to tell me how exactly it came about but remembering back it wasn't much of a conversation really.

"Hey Ben, Can you give me James' new number?"

"I don't think that'd help you out."

"Tell him to text me then? I deleted his number."

"I can't."

"Why not?" 

"He died quite a while ago..."

"Oh... yeah, um, sorry?"

The conversation was nowhere near as awkward as the memory was. To think that he used to text me very single day in year 8 telling me he loved me and wanting me to text back so badly and I had just deleted his number and all traces of him was disturbing. That was a day that I thought I'd become a better person. It's a scary thought really, one day someone's there, the next, they're just gone. 

Ben was holding up, I suppose. I got to know him and he was a nice guy but we barely spoke. I didn't know why we spoke today but him and James were really so alike I found it hard not to love him too, as a friend. Every piece of him told me he was going to break down and not ever be fixed. He kept it all inside and I was ripping down his defences, he didn't like it, I could tell. Deep down inside I think I wanted to break him. To show him that you can't pretend you're okay but when I finally saw him at his lowest, all I wanted to do was fix him but no one ever could. 

When someone you truly love dies they leave an imprint on your life, like a person does on the matress of a bed they sleep in for hours and slowly through time it's released but soon enough another person will climb into that space and create a new imprint. He had an empty space but I wasn't the person who was supposed to fill it. So I decided we wouldn't talk and hoped some day when he fell to pieces, some one would be there to put him back together.