Face the Music

Chapter 19

"Kelly, like I said, was the greatest thing that ever happened to a no-good punk like me. I was a shit as a kid. Full of everything bad and nothing good. Lots of anger and nothing to do with it, so I broke things and I hurt people.

"The army helped whip me into shape, and the CIA boosted my ego, made me a star with a knack for catching drug dealers, but those things did nothing to fill the holes. I was cold and empty. I met her when I was working a case at a high school in Chicago. She was an English teacher there. Some of her students had paid for marijuana, but they got marijuana laced with all sorts of bad shit. It messed them up pretty bad, and I was trying to figure out who sold it to them.

"Anyway, we followed the trail, caught the dealer like always. She came into the office to thank me and I wanted nothing more than to ask her to dinner. She was this spunky, firecracker red-head, you know? The kind of girl you want to spend time getting to know." Ella smiled and I smiled too, remembering how fascinated I'd been by the freckles. How I'd wanted to kiss them all.

"I was a stuttering mess. I couldn't say anything right, not that I knew what to say anyways... She grinned at me, lit up the room like the sun, and she said, 'You sure need a little help when it comes to asking girls out. How about I give you some tips on Friday night over dinner?'

"That was the start of the best thing in my whole life, and I'll never understand what she saw in me. We dated for a year before I had to pick up and move to Miami for a few months. I'd been chasing Loretto for four years already by then, and we had a serious lead. Kelly dropped everything, took the second semester off of teaching and came with me. The worst part?" I closed my eyes again and ignored the guilt the best I could. "The worst part is that I let her come. I was so selfish. I wanted her with me, couldn't bare the thought of being without her, even for a month or two, so I encouraged her to come.

"After the month in Miami, Collins and I were ready with our team to take Loretto down. Everything was set. It was all planned down to the last second. But Loretto threw a curveball." My breathing was growing heavy and I was fighting a knot in my throat, but I'd started the story and I wasn't about to stop. It was time to get it all out.

"Loretto found out about Kelly, and he distracted us with a decoy - a look-a-like - at his warehouse. He'd spotted our surveillance vans days before we'd gone in for him and he made some plans of his own. On our way in, he snuck out the back door while we had his body decoy in sight at the front of the building.

"He went and found Kelly. Took her from the apartment and brought her back into the street in front of the warehouse. He called me out and, while I tried to bargain with him, he shot her." My voice sounded broken, hoarse. The voice of a broken man. Tears ran unguarded down my face, and I saw that Ella was crying too. The shards of glass in my heart were churning, shredding it a little more with each second.

"Before he shot her, I tried to reason with him. Tried to reason with a killer. I froze because my worst nightmare was coming true, and I didn't react. I didn't even know how to respond." I ran a hand down my face, smearing the tears around. "I couldn't stand the thought of a month without her, so I brought her with me. Now I have to live without her forever. She could have had anyone. No one else would have put her in danger, gotten her killed. But me. She chose me, and it's like a pulled the trigger myself," I pounded on the floor with my fist, trying to find an outlet for the pain and frustration.

"Ben." Ella spoke my name through her tears. I didn't even try speaking through mine. "Ben." She said again, and she cupped my face so that I'd look at her. "You didn't kill Kelly. My father killed Kelly and we're going to make him pay for it. But you can't blame yourself like this forever. It will kill you. It will suck your soul dry, and Kelly would never want that."

"You didn't even know her!" I hissed. She flinched back. "Don't you get it, Ella? I feel nothing. Because every part of me died the moment Kelly did. While I held her as she died, Loretto asked me, "How does it feel to have everything good about your life slip through your fingers?" I was reciting words that I'd memorized the moment Loretto said them. "Just like water through a sieve. She was the only thing you had that made you worthy, Ben. So how does it feel to have her ripped away from you?" and at the time I didn't know what I felt.

"I thought it was pain so intense that I couldn't even feel it, but now I know what it really was. It was nothing. I felt nothing. Empty. Numb. Because my soul was sucked clean out of me the moment I got Kelly killed. After Miami, I was cold, calculating, ruthless in my job, and I was fine with that. But then you came into the picture, and things got complicated."

"Ben...I..."

"You were right when you told me I was a liar. I am. I have felt things with you in the past few days that I haven't felt in the two years since Kelly died. And that scares me, because I don't think I'll survive another good thing getting taken away from me."

"I'm not going anywhere," Ella whispered.

"You're in danger just because I care about you. If Loretto finds out about you, how I feel about you, then he will not hesitate to hurt you, just so he can hurt me again. And if he hurts you, it will destroy me."

"I'm safer with you than with anyone else," she said, pulling my hand into both of hers. "Don't run. Not from this, not from me, because he's coming for me no matter what. You make me feel safe."

I swallowed hard and scrunched my eyes shut. I saw Kelly in her last moments, smiling at me through the blood and tears, even though she had a bullet wound in her chest.

"I love you, Ben," she said.

I sobbed. "You know I love you too, baby. Don't stop fighting. Stay with me. I'm so sorry."

"You know I can't stay mad at you," she smiled weakly, eyes shut.

"No! No, Kelly, stay awake! Stay with me, here, baby."

"Don't be afraid, Ben. It's going to be okay. I'll always watch out for you. I love you always..." Her voice was weak, barely heard over my gasping sobs. "Don't be afraid..." Her eyes fluttered closed. Her heart stopped beating, my heart shattered, and heaven gained a perfect angel.

"I'm so sorry," Ella sobbed next to me. I hesitated for a moment then pulled her close to me, stroking her hair.

"You don't have to apologize," I murmured.

"My father is such a monster," she cried into my shirt, her words coming out muffled. "I'm just so, so sorry."

I replayed Kelly's last words over and over in my head. Don't be afraid... Don't be afraid...

Don't be afraid...

I held Ella's crying figure for a long time, and I let my own tears drip down my face.

Don't be afraid...

After a while, Ella fell asleep cradled in my arms. I gazed down at her tear-soaked face and admired her delicate features. She really did look like an angel when she slept.

I thought for a long time about Kelly, about death, about love and hate, about feeling nothing, and about filling up the empty parts of me. I wondered for the first time since I'd lost Kelly if I'd ever be capable of feeling love again. Of giving love again.

I gazed down at Ella's beautiful face. She nuzzled me in her sleep and warmth spread through my chest.

I decided that yes, someday I'd feel love again. I'd let if fill me up again, someday. Someday soon.

Then I wondered if someday had already come. If that someday was today.

I kissed Ella on the forehead, lifted her like a small child and carried her to the couch. I set her down then settled myself into the chair opposite her and fell asleep.