Face the Music

Chapter 18

We took it slow, getting to know each other. I trailed kissed down her neck while she tugged on my hair, panting as I touched my lips to her collar bone. I pulled on them hem of her shirt and this time she let me take it off. She slipped my shirt over my head too, and she ran her fingernails down my chest. I groaned and crushed her lips with mine.

We lay there for a long time, kissing and tracing patterns on each other's skin. I gripped her waist, and stroked her legs, but I made no move to remove her pants. Lost as I was in the heat of the moment, I knew that she deserved more than a one night stand. Romance was not something I was capable of giving her, and it hadn't been an option for me since Kelly.

I pulled away at the thought of Kelly, and suddenly, I didn't want Ella to be touching me. To make me feel anything more for her than I already was. Strangely enough, I felt a knot of fear tighten in my stomach. I was scared of the feelings that Ella had reminded me even existed. I wasn't ready for them to surface. I didn't deserve to feel them again.

Evidently Ella didn't pick up on my change of mood, and she pulled me close to her once more, kissing me. She tugged on the waist band of my jeans. I groaned and grabbed her wrists, gently pulling them over her head so she'd stop tempting me.

She pulled her lips from mine with a gasp. "What is it?" She whispered, breathing heavily.

I shut my eyes. Kelly's face was still there, burned into my memory.

"This isn't right. I can't give you what you deserve, Ella. I haven't been able to for a long time."

Her brows furrowed and her face fell. I sat up and pulled her up with me.

"Why don't you tell me what I deserve?" She said, watching me intently. I avoided her gaze.

"Someone better than me," I said. "You deserve someone normal and whole. Someone who will always be there. Someone who can love you, make you happy. That's not me."

"Why can't that be you?" She asked. I shrugged, staring at the floor. "No!" She yelled. "Don't clam up on me now. I deserve answers! I'm not the only one who's scared around here - I can tell by the look on your face that you're terrified. So why don't you tell me what you're afraid of?"

I looked at her, and opened my mouth to speak, but I had nothing to say. I stood quickly and pulled my shirt on.

"This was a mistake. I should have just come here, done my job, and got out. That's all this was supposed to be."

"Well, I'm part of this job now, Ben, so running away tonight is going to do you no good." She was standing now, stalking closer to me with every word. "Because when you wake up in the morning, you're going to have to haul your sorry ass back here with Collins to figure out how to finish the job." We were face to face. "And when you get here tomorrow, the feelings are still going to be there. It doesn't matter how far you run tonight, it doesn't matter if you stay here or not, because in the morning, all the things you've been feeling for the past few days will still be big and aching in your chest."

I backed away from her. Everything she was saying was true, but I couldn't face it. Snap shots of Kelly were flipping through my head so fast that it made me dizzy.

"You are so in love with me," I told her, grinning against her lips.

Kelly looked at me with her sparkling green eyes. "That I am, Benjamin. But only because you're so in love with me." Her face grew sober and she stared out into the Florida sunset. "Promise me you'll be careful tonight?"

I pulled her close. "I promise," I murmured into her hair. I closed my eyes and tried to wrap my head around it. I was so happy. A punk like me, born to alcoholic deadbeats, raised by foster parents, trained by the Army, then loved unconditionally by a compassionate woman who could have had any other man on the planet.