Love and the Sea and Everything in Between

chapter forty-six

I'm terrified of what might be inside the carefully folded page that I now hold between my fingers. I've yet to open it to see what's inside – words of life or words of death.

Letters from strangers are like Pandora's Box. You never know what's inside until you read it and when you do, there's no going back.

I don't know how the letter is from, but my heart skips a beat every time I think about it. The not knowing is killing me, though, like it did before. But the knowing could be the final blow.

After a while, the curiosity is maddening and I can't help it, so I feed it and unfold the letter, slowly as if it were a fragile gift.

Once open, my eyes fall on the first line.

Adam,

I'm not good with words. But, I guess, you know that. You knew a lot and, I'll admit, I always thought that made you special because how many people really take the time out to understand and learn about their friends in such a short amount of time?

You were always a wallflower and that was always hard for me because you would be on the outside of everything while I was on the inside and I always thought that it was just because you were shy and sad. But the truth is, I was wrong to think that being a wallflower was some sort of disorder I had to help you overcome. In fact, it's the furthest thing from a character flaw because, unlike the rest of us, you took the time to just stay quiet and watch other people. That's a rare and beautiful thing, to see and understand things no one else does.

I took you for granted, Adam, because I didn't understand how to help you. And I blamed my not understanding on you. The truth is that it wasn't you who drained me – I drained myself because I just couldn't figure out how to help you. And you know that I hate feeling trapped, so I got out. I told you I would always be there for you, but I guess you're right. I am a liar. But I'm a coward too, because I did the easy thing. And in the end, I ended up hurting someone that I really cared about and for that I am so sorry.

But I never stopped caring about you, even though I did a really bad job at it. It was me who told the dean about your scars. I did it because I wanted you to get the help that you deserve – the help I could never give you.

I know you probably hate me because I hate myself too sometimes, but the thing is, we have to let go otherwise the regret will only kill us. That's why I'm writing this, because I want you to let go of me and what I did. Not for my sake, but for yours. What I did, it isn't your fault and you shouldn't have to carry that around. Let that be my burden.

Move on, Adam. Find your happiness. Find your strength. Find your life. Find love.

Learn to live again, Adam. You can't die until you've first lived. So find whatever it is that makes you feel alive and hold onto that and never let go.

Goodbye, Adam.

J.

My eyes hold onto that last letter – J. I don't need to think about who it is – I already know.

The tears come, now, but they're not tears of sadness or regret. For once, they're tears of relief because now I can let go. I have all the closure I need. I don't need to hold on anymore.

Never let go...

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