Love Until It Hurts (Monteverde Series 4)

26

            "I'm not a kid, Mom. Let me decide what to do with my life. You can't tell me to do this and do that, because you don't know how difficult it is for me to just get out of bed in the morning rather than sulk. It's hard, but in my own way, I'm trying to push myself to cope up."

            "You're not! You think I can't read the emotions behind your eyes? You're not planning to move on! You're planning to stay this miserable for as long as you live!"

            "And what is wrong with that? Kung 'yon man ang gusto ko, anong mali ro'n? Desisyon ko ang maging ganito." I took a shaky breath as I stared at her eyes. "If being happy is a choice, then being sad is, too. And let me tell you... It's not your choice to make."

            "I love you, Zade—"

            "If you really love me..." I held my head high. I need to say it with conviction, with finality, with authority. I am in charge of my life and not her. I am the only one who has a say in my actions. "You will leave me alone."

            Her jaw grew taut. She stared at me with hurt and disbelief. But I couldn't take my words back. I needed to say it and she needed to hear it.

            "Anak kita, hindi ko kaya..." Her voice became unsteady. Naramdaman ko ang sakit sa kaibuturan ko. My Mom is here in front of me, telling me she loves and that she couldn't leave me be. I should've cried like a baby, but the grief inside me was powerful and it dictated my actions. And right now, it doesn't want to show any bit of compassion.

            It didn't want to yield even to the woman who brought me to this world.

            And it hurt. So, so bad.

            "Kung mahal mo ako kakayanin mo 'to, Zade. Kung mahal mo ako kalimutan mo siya at aayusin mo ang sarili mo," she said and it made my heart constrict. Hindi ko naman gustong makitang lahat sila nahihirapan.

            "If I will ask you to choose between me and Dad, who will you pick?" Matapang kong tanong. Bumakas sa mukha niya ang gulat dahil sa biglaan kong pagtatanong.

            Hindi siya makasagot. Just like what I've predicted.

            "Hindi ka makapili, Ma, 'di ba? Kasi pareho mo kaming mahal ni Dad. Kasi hindi mo kami kayang pakawalan. You don't have to answer my question because I don't expect you to choose between two people you love so much. Pero gano'n din ako... I love you because you are my mother and you've given me so much love and for that... I will always be thankful. Pero you have to understand, that I am in love with Sam, too, and... I'm struggling to let her memories go. I don't ever want to let these memories go."

            I gave Sam's gravestone a lingering look and sadness erupted inside me at once. "If you make me choose between you and her, I will not choose you. I will not choose her either. I will choose both of you because I can't let go of either one. I love you, yes but I can't forget her. I hope you understand me."

            Tumulo ang luha sa mga mata niya at pinanood ko itong maglandas sa pisngi niya. Sinapo niya ang bibig niya at umiyak. "She's dead, Zade."

            Mapait akong tumango. Alam ko naman iyon.

            "She's dead, but she's not gone. She'll always be with me wherever I go. She'll always be the one person I can never move on from. That's how much she means to me."

            Niyakap niya ako ng mahigpit at napapikit na lang ako. I didn't stop myself from hugging her back. "My 'I love you' will never be enough to express my love for her. My love for her cannot be expressed using those three stupid words. If I will try to write down my feelings for her, I won't just have a page or a book. I'll have libraries. Millions of them."