Getting to Nirvana {editing}

Chapter 30

"Daniel." I whisper when his mouth starts trailing kisses down my neck.

"What?" He whispers back breathlessly, not showing any plan to stop.

"I can't do this."

He gets up slowly, looking desperate and sad. "Why?"

I bite my lip. "Because I feel like you're not kissing me because you love me, you're kissing me to forget. You're using me like you use beer or weed."

"What do you want me to do?" He asks frustrated, tossing his hands in the air.

"I want me to tell me how you feel. How did it feel growing up how you did? How did you feel afterwards when you stabbed that boy?"

He clenches his hands angrily. "Just stop."

"No Daniel. I can't stop!" I yell desperately. "How did you feel when the kids taunted you about you're mother being a stripper? How did it feel walking those streets hungry and alone?

He clamps his hand over his ears to shield me out. But I keep on going.

"How did you feel knowing you were completely alone? How did it feel to not feel loved and wanted? How-"

"Enough!" Daniel shouts. It's then that I notice tears glistening against his cheeks. I don't feel accomplished or satisfied about it. I only feel sadness for Daniel.

I wrap my arms around him and he leans into me immediately, his face against my shoulder. I rub his back soothingly as his body heaves.

"I felt like shit. I always felt like shit." He manages to utter. "I always felt like I had no one. Have you ever had that inexplicable feeling that you're alone in the world?"

God Daniel. You have no idea.

"That was my thought process every single day. Sometimes I wished I would just die. Through my father's and my bullies' beatings, I wished that they would just put me out of my misery and kill me already. One time I even tried doing it myself with pills."

I gasp as I clutch Daniel tighter. If he was successful I never would have met him.

"But I just couldn't go through with the damn thing. And then when I stabbed that dude I was so scared. I felt so guilty. I started thinking about if he had a family that loved him. Maybe a doting mother, and an adorable little brother. If he had a girlfriend he planned to marry someday. Best friends that he planned to ride till the end with. I started thinking what if I'd taken all that away from him? The guilt has been eating me alive all these years but I've been too afraid to go back. Now I don't know what to do anymore." He whispers vulnerably as he sits up looking at me.

"Daniel." I take my hands in his. "I'm here for you always. I'm never leaving. We'll get through this together. I promise."

Through his remaining tears a sincere smile shines through.

I smile too as I finger a curly strand near his temple.

We lock eyes and I lean in for another kiss mesmerized by him.

"Nirvana."

"Yes?" I mumble distracted by his plump lips.

"I-"

"Je suis desole, but you're time is up madam."  The guard calls, already unlocking our cell. He shoots us a sympathetic look, but opens the cell nonetheless.

We both stare at each other with dread but I get up reluctantly.

I gulp nervously at the words I'm about to say. "Daniel. I'm just gonna come out and say this. I'm leaving this week."

A look of shock, sadness, and betrayal flash across his face all at once. Which grips my stomach painfully.

"Your bail is too expensive, so I have to leave you. But once I get the money I'll come back for you."

A look of understanding crosses his face, and his features soften as he gets up coming close to me. "Nirvana. I got myself into this mess. I can't let you pay my bail."

"Yes you can, and you will."

"No-"

I sqeeze my eyes shut painfully. "Daniel. I need you with me."

The guard reaches to grab my hand gently, leading me out.

Daniel grasp my hand in his one last time before I'm pulled away.

He gazes at me longingly. "I love you Nirvana."

Despite the bars closing, trapping Daniel in and me out, a bittersweet smile graces my lips.

"I love you too."

* * *

When I'm outside in the chilly early morning air a familiar spirit greets me. "Two paths in one night. Impressive." He congratulates me.

"How'd I pass the third stage?" I faintly remember that the third stage is called never returner.

"What you did in that jail cell. You showed compassion and understanding. You were willing to  put aside your feelings for him, in order for him to open up to you. You were being selfless. Which is the most important thing, even though a hint of self sense still remains in you, which is perfect. In this stage people appear to be extremely content, peaceful, and with the subtlest preference for positive rather than negative experiences. The fourth stage will come soon after that. You're almost done."

I laugh bitterly.

"Is something wrong?" He cocks his head to the side surveying me like I'm a particularly difficult puzzle he's trying to solve.

"Everything's wrong. I don't feel any of those things you described."

"Is it  because of that boy?"

I nod my head sadly.

"You love him. Do you not?"

"Yes." I say painfully. "I do."

"Well if you love him, and he loves you everything will work out will it not?"

"You see that's what I really don't know for sure."

My guardian does something surprising after that. He comes closer to me and places his hands against my cheeks. I gasp from his touch, his hands are nearly boiling hot, but they cool down instantaneously before I can jerk away.

He looks me straight in the eyes, transfixing me with his gaze.

"Nirvana. Everything will work out accordingly for you. I give you my word."

With that he removes his hands from my face and smiles at me warmly.

I can only stare at him gratefully, a smile tugging at the corners of my lips.

Then he's gone. Disappearing in a flicker of the wind.