Getting to Nirvana {editing}

Chapter 30

Happiness follows sorrow, sorrow follows happiness, but when one no longer discriminates happiness and sorrow, a good deal and a bad deed, one is able to realize freedom. ~Guatama Buddha

Chapter 30

Nirvana

"So ever since then I've been living in Houston."

"Wow." Is the only word that can escape from my lips when Daniel finishes.

All those time I complained about my childhood, when in actuality Daniel was the one who had it rough, really rough. I can't even imagine what it would feel like to have a stripper mother run out on me, leaving me alone with a monster of a father who beat me relentlessly. I can't imagine having to deal drugs to make it by. I can't imagine having to fend for myself at fifteen in the rough streets of a foreign new city.

"And you know what the funny thing is?" He lets out a bitter laugh. "The same shit I promised myself I wouldn't do in Houston I did. Over, and over again. Houston was my chance to live a better life, and I screwed that up."

He gets up to sit on the edge of the bed and places his head in his hands.

"Daniel." I whisper gently as I place a hand on his trembling shoulder.

"What?" He answers gruffly.

"It's okay to cry."

"I'm not crying." He jerks his shoulder away and my hand falls.

"It's not healthy to keep all those emotions bottled up inside. You have to let it out."

He whips his head up to glare ferociously at me."People cope differently Nirvana. Not everyone cries like you."

"You call what you're doing coping?" I move my hands in the air getting riled up. "Getting high and drunk every night? Gambling? Hooking up with girls and not calling them back the next day? That's not coping Daniel!"

"Well what else do you want me to do?" He yells hysterically. "That's the only way I know how! I didn't grow up with parents who coddled me and told me everything was going to be alright! I grew up with a alcoholic dad who beat the shit out of me! And if I cried he'd tell me, men don't cry and he'd beat me even more!"

I can see tears brimming in his eyes but he angrily blinks them away before they can spring out.

"He taught me that the only thing that matters is getting drunk and getting high to forget about life! To forget about your problems, and your pain. To hide your feelings. He taught me to never cry. If life get's tough just open up another beer is what he'd say. That's all I know." He limply lets his head fall back into his trembling fingers.

"Daniel." I soothe as I take one of his hands and clutch it tightly in mine. "That's not all you know. "You know how to make me laugh."

I kiss his hand softly.

"You know how to make me smile."

I reach up and place a tender kiss on his shoulder.

"You're adventurous and good spirited."

I place a gentle kiss on his neck. I can feel him suck in a sharp intake of breath.

"You're a problem solver. You can take any situation you want and make it go your way."

I plant a kiss on his cheek, close to his exposed mouth. "And you make me happy. And I love you."

At my words he whips his head up to look at me.

I smile vulnerably. "I love you Daniel."

He waste no time to crash his lips against mine, the force of his lips sending me back against the mattress. I reach out to tangle my hands in his hair as his hands explore my body wildly. I can feel his lust, his want, his desperation, his sadness. I want this to. But I can't do this.