struggling➾ phan (complete)

1

two packs of sweetener, zero calories one tablespoon of creamer, 35 calories. already 35 cals and it's only 8am. these numbers ran through my head over and over and i wanted to throw up. my head began to throb. im thinking too much.

"dan, hurry up!" phil called from upstairs. i grabbed his warm mug, gripping it tight enough and enjoying the warm feeling that bled through the glass into my hands.

i called phil downstairs for his coffee that i make every morning. its our routine. he came downstairs. he had on mismatch socks and that made me laugh. they're never the same, they're always strewn across his room too.  we've been living together for a year now. over that year, ive grown quite fond of his adorable personality, his clumsiness, and his messiness. im so madly in love with him, he doesn't feel the same. i think.

"wanna go out for lunch with pj later on?" i nervously brought my cup of coffee up to my lips while handing him his. the thought of both eating and going out with his friends was overwhelming. i closed my eyes and sighed into my mug and let the steam enter my nose. "sure."

he smiled, looking up "okay, were going at 12" he stood up, placing his cup in the sink and leaving me here. alone in the living room to sit in my own thoughts. i mostly avoid this. which is why I listen to music a lot. but sometimes it makes this worse. i decided to just turn on the TV.

i sat there on the comfy seat that me and phil always fight over, flipping through channels mindlessly. i wasnt really even watching any of the shows. after doing this for around an hour it was already 11:30 so i turned the TV off and went upstairs to get ready.

i picked out a grey long sleeve and black jeans. i took my clothes off to change into the new outfit and looked in the mirror. i was disgusted with what i saw. bulging red marks all across my arms and legs they remind me of the times that i was so sad i couldn't even talk to anyone but the razor. they are not battle scars to me they're the marks that losing the battle left behind.

i rolled down my sleeve quickly, i had enough of looking at them. phil was ready to go anyway. as i walked out the restroom phil was standing there, arms crossed.

"alright, calm down, im ready to go."

we both walked downstairs and went on our way to meet PJ and chris.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

we made it there in 10 and we sat on an outside table, pj and chris greeted us kindly. the waiter walked up and asked everyone what they would like. phil got a latte, pj got an iced coffee, and chris got a hot coffee. i got a simple iced tea with no added anything.

i received strange looks from everyone. i guess its unusual for me to restrict around them, as i usually force myself to eat around them or i know things like this would happen.

they asked if i was okay, i lied and said i was fine. they changed the subject and began to talk about what pj and chris had done together over the weekend.  pj and chris are openly dating, and they both know about the massive crush i have on phil. since phil found out about it, i developed a few problems. i was fine at first but it didn't take long for me to notice he was becoming distant. i wasn't able to trust anyone anymore. i told the only two people that i trust and all of a sudden my secrets spill out. pj had told me phil knew. yes it's a bit odd to develop problems because of a little crush, but he's my best friend. imagine losing your best friend of 6 years, they ignore you, they don't talk to you the same as they used to. they don't help as much as they used to. you need them, and they're not there. he was my only friend after 18 years of loneliness, and i fell back into that loneliness, but this time a big wave of other feelings hit me and i felt sad all the time for no reason and i never want to do anything anymore especially not with phil and im always nervous and shaky.

all of a sudden i noticed they had all been looking at me with concerned looks. i shrugged "what?" it made me feel uncomfortable, all of them looking at me like that.

"dan...we're worried about you. that's why we brought you here" they all placed their cups down, completely focused on me now. it felt like i was trapped.

i shook my head, "guys really, i-im fine"

i looked to phil for help, but realised he was agreeing with what they were saying. his eyes were pooling with tears, his knuckles white from his grip on the mug. "you're not okay dan"

i slightly chuckled "and how exactly do you know that" i acted like i was okay, laughing along, but i was trying so hard not to let tears fall. the grip on my mug was so tight, i was afraid it would shatter.

"dan....roll up your sleeves" pj demanded me. what.

i shook my head in response to pj. "guys please" i choked out, still gripping my mug.

that's when i felt phil grab onto my wrist. i held back as much as i could, but i was weak. my body was breaking down. i allowed myself to show my true self, in front of everyone. Everyone who ever cared about me, who was my only friends. im going to lose them.

he rolled up my sleeve, revealing a trial of red lines running up and down my whole arm. they weren't fresh, they were years old, but they still had the meaning, the background to them. and they were still there they were never going to leave, and thats when it hit me. i did have a problem but i cant admit it.

it was then that I realised how deep they really were. i want so bad to stop, but it's my only escape. i have no one to talk to, so how am i supposed to let go? this.

his hand flew up to his mouth,holding back a gasp. sobs wracked his small frame, and he was now starting to panic. i don't understand, why would he start caring now. after a year, now is when he starts caring.

the tears kept rolling down his cheeks, he looked so shocked. why would someone like him be so sad for me. he hasnt had a proper conversation with me in ages why would he suddenly start caring now?

"dan..." pj calmly said, "why?"

i didnt respond. there was no possible response because i didnt have a reason, all i could tell them was what i was feeling.

"it was my only escape. i didn't have anyone to talk to. phil was the one i was used to talking to about things, but ever since he started ignoring me. i fell apart, i had no one and i felt alone and trapped in my own mind. i was going crazy so, i did this" this time I let the tears fall, i was already showing my weak side to them, what's the point in hiding it.

phil was a mess at this point, i hope he doesn't blame himself. that's the last thing i wanted.

phil spoke "i-im sorry dan. i didn't mean to do this to you"

i shook my head "no, stop!" this is exactly why i was afraid of phil finding out. i had hurt phil. i hated seeing him like this. his blue eyes void of color and his cheeks red from crying. it hurt more knowing i was the reason for this.

i attempted to stand up and run but phil stood up, and planted himself in front of me. he grabbed my shoulders, and held me down. "phil..." i looked to the floor, trying to hide the tears that were spilling down my cheeks.

"dan, please" he sighed, walking me to the seat and placing me down "listen, i won't take you to the mental hospital just yet. just try your best to stop and ill be there for you. im sorry for not doing that before but....i was getting my head straight, making decisions i never thought i would be making. it was hard and im sorry, i know it's hard for you too"

all i did was nod, and ask to go back home. i didnt believe a word he said. i know he wasnt trying. and he doesnt know how i feel.

the walk home was unbearable. the air was thick and awkward. i walked far behind the rest of them.

but we made it home and pj and chris said they were going to stay for the weekend. i went straight upstairs and drifted into sleep, the memories of today fading away.

A/N

this is probably gonna suck but oh well. please don't continue to read if you are sensitive to these topics.

~luke