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Chapter 3

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Part 3- Paul's P.O.V

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That night John and I walked home in silence, both of us not wanting to speak of what happened earlier. I kept my hands in my jacket pockets and made sure my eyes were always downward, despite the desperate need I felt to look up at John. We separated at some point so that we could walk to our own houses, and then I was alone with my thoughts. I hated this so much, I hated what I had done.

Just the other day, John and I had been playing on Mimi's porch and joking around before she made me leave. Of course when I had to leave, John would suggest we just go to his mum's house for some tea and toast. It was the most normal friendship I'd ever had, not once did I find myself to be thinking of John as something more than a friend. Yeah, sometimes I was extremely jealous of him, even to the point of wanting to be exactly like him, but that kind of feeling shouldn't make me want to kiss him! I wanted to forget it even happened, but I just couldn't.

When I returned home that night, I had an awful headache from stressing myself out over this. Dad and Mike were concerned about my soaking wet and muddy clothes, but I just told them I was out with John and now I was going to sleep because of my headache. I plodded up the stairs and changed into my night clothes, feeling numb and mechanical with every movement. I knew I needed to wash up before bed but I honestly didn't care about it too much. It was nothing that couldn't wait until morning. I didn't sleep very well that night. I spent at least two or three hours tossing and turning, kicking my blanket off of me only to become cold and pull it over me again. I couldn't get John's face out of my mind, or more specifically, John's mouth. The thought alone made my thoughts get all jumbled and I couldn't control my rapid breathing. That probably wasn't a good thing at all.

No Paul.

You cannot feel that way towards John.

You like girls.

I tried instead to think about other things, like the soft, plump, pink lips that only a girl could have. Or the smooth curviness of their hips and waist. Yeah, I was definitely still attracted to girls. So what was the deal with John? I just couldn't wrap my head around it.

At some point I eventually fell asleep, most likely due to the fact that I was so exhausted my mind shut down on its own. The following day seemed to drag on forever, I spent most of the time in my room, strumming mindlessly on my guitar and avoiding my father and Michael. I only left my room a couple times, whenever I needed to use the bathroom or was forced to come downstairs to eat dinner. I felt like I would break down any moment, waiting for the time to come when John would show up at our front door and demand an answer about what had happened. What if he did do something like that? What would I tell him, that I had this crazy idea in my head that maybe if I kissed him it would solve everyone's problems? If anything, it created more. He didn't need to be worrying about something stupid like that while he's still grieving over his mother.

I waited and waited, anticipating when it would happen, when I would lose my friendship with him. In fact I spent three whole days worrying myself to death over it. Three days, that's how long it was before John decided to call me. That was a little unexpected to be honest, when Mike handed me the phone saying it was John. I remember thinking how he was being sort of childish by not handling it face to face. Of course I was wrong though. I brought the phone up to my ear with trembling hands, feeling oddly excited all of a sudden. I'd spent all this time worrying and moping, only for it to all disappear with a simple phone call.

"Hey there." I said uncertainly, swallowing in a nervous way. "Uh, hi Paul." He said thickly. Had he been crying again? The thought made me frown and feel a pang of sadness in my chest that I couldn't control. I sat back and listened while he talked, too much at a loss of words. "I think we need to talk. Mind meeting me at Strawberry fields?" He asked, his voice much more controlled now. I never really knew why John had chosen the orphanage for our place to meet, usually it was a place reserved for himself only to think and write songs. "Yeah, sure. I'll be right there." I agreed. The line went dead before either of us said anything else. I gave the phone back to Michael and put on my coat, smiling like an idiot. In just a matter of minutes, I would be with John. I could talk to him, look at him, sit next to him. Hopefully this goes well and doesn't end up in a fight, which would be embarrassing for me. If he was angry, I could only begin to imagine what kind of insults he would throw at me. He'd already indirectly called me queer, and a princess. It did bother me quite a bit actually, but I don't see why. I know I'm not like that, John should too.

I walked to the familiar gates of Strawberry Fields and looked around, seeing that I arrived before John. He lived closer to this place than I did. It was just something he would do, be late on purpose simply because it's in his nature. I sighed and decided to sit on the ground and wait for him to show up. I ran my hands through the soft grass and closed my eyes, enjoying the warm sunlight on my face. It was such a lovely day outside and the temperature was just right. Ten minutes had gone by, and John still hadn't shown up. I was starting to get impatient, it really doesn't take this long to walk over here. He was just doing this to get on my nerves.

I laid on my back on the ground, stretching out my limbs and relaxing in the comfortable spring air. I began humming a little tune to pass time when I heard someone clear their throat above me.

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So if anyone is reading this I'd enjoy some feedback. Peace and love :)