Phan Oneshots

Don't Sink

Summary: Dan thought he knew what love was. He thought the possessiveness, the name calling, and the rough-housing were normal. Phil is terrified for Dan and Dan is just an empty shell of what he used to be. 
Warnings: self harm, suicidal thoughts, abusive relationship

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Dan didn't notice when he first started to deteriorate. It's quite ironic, actually, how things can change gradually over time until they seem completely normal, taking over your past and making you into an entirely different person. You don't even realize that it's happening, that someone had taken ahold of your very own personality and locked it into a cage, restricting what you used to be until there is nothing left except for a shell of the past, a memory of what you could have been one day that is now in complete ruin. And that's how it happened - slowly. Because Dan didn't realize how toxic things will tear him down faster than he could scream for help. In fact, he didn't even notice and he can't decide what's worse; noticing that you're just an empty shell of depression, or waking up one day to realize that you would rather stop breathing than to have to live through another day.

It all started with a pair of brown eyes. And that's all they were, really, but Dan knew he would love to wake up to them one day, that he would love to drown himself in everything that this boy was. Dan had never been in love before, and didn't know what to expect, but he thought this was what love was supposed to be like, compared to all the shitty romance movies and novels that were written.

It was like drowning. He saw him one day and he couldn't fucking breathe because there had never been a boy more gorgeous than he, with dark brown hair falling into identical chocolate eyes that made Dan think about the chocolates he ate when he travelled to Paris when he was fourteen, all gorgeous and desirable.

He remembered thinking that he wouldn't mind if his heart got broken by this boy.

That, in theory, is absolute bullshit. No one deserves to go through what Dan did. He would have jumped off a cliff if it meant it would make the boy happy. If it meant that he could relive their very first kiss, the brown-haired boy laying on top of Dan and whispering, "What do you want for Christmas, Dan?"

And Dan, flustered by their close proximity, murmured, "You," because he didn't take into account that he wasn't different from all the others, because he didn't believe that this perfect entity in front of him would chew him up and spit him out just like all the other girls and boys who got the absolute pleasure of being with Eric Gainer.

And when Eric grinned, his teeth white and his breath hot against Dan's skin, he thought he was going to faint until their lips touched and Dan was sure he was no longer alive.

It was perfect for a while. Dan was happy, happier than he'd ever been before. When Eric went home, he gathered his thoughts and burst through Phil's door, taking the black haired man by surprise when he launched himself at his best friend, screaming that his crush had kissed him.

Phil had smiled, but there was a gesture under it that seemed a little forced. Dan, being the complete schoolgirl he was, didn't notice when Phil's voice shook as he asked for details, or the way his fingers quivered as he wrapped congratulatory arms around Dan's waist.

Dan didn't notice. Or maybe he just didn't care.

And maybe, just maybe, Dan should have been worried when the boy with chocolate eyes gazed at him and told him he wanted to wait to tell his parents, that he wanted them to enjoy their relationship before getting Eric's parents involved. Even though Dan had slipped it to Eric's mother one day while Eric was in drum lessons, and his mum had looked over at Dan with worried eyes and said, "I really love you, Dan, but please don't let him ruin you."