Own Me

Chapter Twenty

I couldn't hold back the flood of tears that came, as soon as my neck buried against her chest. I tried so hard, so unbelievably hard, never to cry in front of her. She was a cold, uncaring woman, and not once had she ever held me like this. Not ever did she act like a real mother to me, until that moment. It was so sudden, so unexpected, that I couldn't stop myself. The tears came. Memories flooding back. Stopped me in my tracks.

"I've missed you," she whispered, letting me cry on her. "What's wrong?"

When we broke apart, I couldn't bare to look at her, to let her see me crying. I remembered as a child, I'd learned to hold my feelings inside, in case she would see me crying, or upset in any way. She would tut in disappointment, and turn her back on me. By instinct, I couldn't stand to feel her eyes on me, not when I was like this. I'd almost forgotten why I even came back, if it wasn't for the itching all over my body. I looked down at myself, at my hands, bruised and scattered in cuts. I could feel the bruises over my flesh, hidden under my clothes, dragging me down.

Everywhere that he touched was scar tissue. My whole body was scar tissue, by now. I could feel it, all over. Everywhere that he grazed his fingers felt like acid had been poured on my bare flesh. Thinking about it made me feel like I was back in that alley, stuck there with him. I wanted to be sick. I wanted to purge myself of him, of everything that had happened. I wanted to start over again, as someone new. It seemed too late for me to even try and be comfortable in this skin anymore, to try and get back to who I once was.

"I was," I paused, to take a breath. Saying the words, especially to someone like her, I just couldn't. It was too much, trying to face what happened, trying to stay calm. Even the thought of it, the memory of it, grasped at me and tensed my whole body. It made my fists clench in anger, my body shake in fear, in agony. In desperation. And every time I did think about it, I'd only remember begging for him to stop. I'd remember pleading for help, for someone to save me.

I was rubbing at my face, to hide the tears, but they didn't stop. They wouldn't stop. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't stop them. And she was watching, the whole time, watching. Standing there, watching me break down, watching me crumble. I wondered if she even recognised the boy in front of her. I'd had everything she recognised in me carved out, and right before her was just the shell of her son. The footsteps in the sand, after a lonely walk on the beach, soon to be washed away by the waves. I was fading away, fading into nothing, my appearance only a torture, a reminder of the kid I used to be.

I was shaking, trying to breathe, but it wasn't working. I was panting, feeling my heart imploding in my chest, feeling every drop of blood flowing through my body. The heat. It was sweltering, all over. But it was cold, as well. Freezing. Shaking. Quivering. My legs gave way under me, falling to floor, still shaking, sweating, panting. Not breathing. Trying to. But not. Gasping for air.

"Darby," I heard her say. "Darby." She just seemed so far away, worlds away. My head turned, facing away from her, trying to hide the tears. She'd dropped to her knees to help me, trying to lift me back up, but I couldn't. I just lay there, motionless. Dead inside. In the corner of my eye, I saw him. Standing somewhere, far away, hiding in the shadows.

"You deserved it," he said. When I turned to see him, though, he wasn't there. He'd vanish, just as my eyes would turn. Constantly in the periphery of my vision. It was like seeing a strange shape in the shadows, in the corner of your eye. You try to dismiss it, but you can't, so you look again, but this time, it's gone.

"Tom?" I asked, looking around. He was still gone.

"You know you deserved it. The pain. You know, inside, you needed putting in your place. You let it happen."