It's been almost four years since we met and I still remember thinking that you were the prettiest girl I had ever seen. I didn't understand it at the time because I was in seventh grade and I was forcing myself to be straight. I knew something was off about myself. I didn't know what it was because I thought it was wrong to be gay and I remembered that I had told my mom that I'd never kiss a girl. It seemed as if I was shoving myself in the closet again but it wasn't until a few months later that I realized I really liked you. More than I had ever liked someone.
I still think about you and I haven't even seen you in person since March and I miss you. I miss the cute relationship we had. It wasn't a relationship because you called me your friend and I fucking hated it. I liked when we'd hold each other and you were the first person I trusted with stuff I haven't told anyone. I miss you a lot and I think you were my first love. I don't think I love you anymore but I still like you; more than I should. It's been too long and you think I'd be over it. I'm not.
I convinced myself for the longest time that I didn't like you anymore by liking another girl. Let's name her H. She had your same brown hair and green eyes and tanned skin. She'd complain about her thick thighs and stretch marks and I swore I liked her so much. But really, she just reminded me of you.
You have a boyfriend now. It hurts me. I know I had a chance with you but I never had the guts to admit it to you or myself until it was far too late. I think about it and regret it every time I do. I'm sorry I wasn't there and didn't tell you how I felt. I still regret it.
-lost lover
