My Guardian Angel

Chapter 16

I wake up very early Christmas morning. I'm still in my same clothes from yesterday and there's a moment of peace before the memory of Tobias' note comes crashing down on me.

The tears come flowing down again and the pain is so strong I can barely breathe. I try to take a hot shower to relieve some of the pain, but it doesn't work. I end up going to the living room, wrapping myself in the blanket that no longer smells like Tobias and stare at the Christmas tree. 

"Merry Christmas, Beatrice," my dad's voice surprises me. 

"Merry Christmas," I mumble back. There's certainly nothing "merry" about today.

"So, um, what did the letter from Four say?"

"It basically said if he's not home by Christmas, he's not coming home at all.  I can't believe you both lied to me about this mission," I say.

"It's only because we care about you.  I love you with all my heart and if I'm not mistaken, Four feels very much the same." At my dad's words I remember that Tobias told me in the letter that he loved me.  Unfortunately, I'll never be able to say those words to him.  I was afraid it was way too early to say things like that, even if I believed it was true, so I just didn't.  Now I'll have to live with the regret of my unspoken words.  

"Felt."

"What?" he asks.

"He felt the same, past tense.  He's not here anymore so anything he did or emotions he had are in the past."

"Oh sweetheart, the people we love never leave us.  I feel your mom's presence all the time.  She's here watching over us, just like he is.  Love transcends death. Always."

I don't have a comment for that, but it does take the tiniest fraction of pain away.

"Why don't you get ready for church, there's no better place to be at a time like this." I've always loved going church, especially on holidays.  I sing in the choir and I feel so at home when I'm there.  Going to church is the last thing in the world I want to do at this moment which means it's probably exactly what I need.  There's no better place to pray for a miracle. At this point that's the only thing that can help me, a miracle.

I go upstairs and get ready, putting on the special dress I had gotten just for this occasion.  A wave of grief hits me as I think about what Tobias would have said if he saw me today.  I had imagined the moment he came over Christmas morning so many times, I had planned out this whole day in my head.  I was beyond excited to take him to church with me, to show him one of my favorite places to be, but now that will never happen.

My dad drives us to church, and we both remain silent.  By this point I'm completely numb.  I know I should still feel sad, but it's like I'm unable to do so anymore.  My body actually feels tired.

My dad forces me up to the choir, saying it will be good for me, but my heart isn't really in it.  Luckily for me I begin to go into autopilot, getting lost in the music.  I see my dad looking at me with pride in his eyes, and I can feel myself smile briefly. 

The rest of the day is a blur.  It's not that it's speeding by, it's just that I'm too out of it to notice it passing.  I can still see my present to Tobias under the tree, but I don't have the heart to move it.  My friends stop by to say "Merry Christmas", but don't end up staying long.  I don't blame them though. They have the opportunity to escape my grief while I, on the other hand, feel like I'm drowning in it. 

I keep Tobias' letter with me all day, tucked in my pocket.  It's the best I can do as far as having him with me on Christmas.  I haven't been able to reread it at all, paralyzed by grief every time I try.  I cook dinner that night, another thing I had pictured Tobias being here for, making a roast beef.  As I peel potatoes I see the new peeler I had brought specifically for him.  He complained that we could get the potatoes peeled twice as fast if I had an extra peeler, so I got one for him.