My Guardian Angel

Chapter 15

The first two weeks after Tobias left had gone by at a snail's pace. I continued to check the mail daily, even though I was sure there wouldn't be anything from him yet. He had said to start looking for his letter around two weeks after he left, so when the two week time period had passed, I ran to the mailbox every day. I often asked my dad for any updates, but he never has anything to tell me. I'm not sure if it's because he's not allowed or if he genuinely doesn't know, either way he's not telling me anything.

After three weeks go by, I'm very much on edge. I have taken to waiting outside for the mail if I'm not at school. My friends often give me sideways looks and whisper around each other, obviously doing whatever they can to help me stay calm. My dad still has no information but he swears that no news is good news.

"I don't get it, how is it possible that you don't know anything?" I ask my dad one afternoon.

"Its because of where they're located. Messages don't get back to us quickly. There's no internet, no phones, so the only way news travels is with people and they don't want to waste resources on non-essential information. Honestly, by the time I get word that he's coming home, he'll already be on his way. I promise though, as soon as I hear something I'll let you know."

Its Christmas Eve now, just about 5 weeks from when he left. I run to the mailbox praying to see something from Tobias. He had promised I'd have a letter from him before Christmas so if it doesn't come today, then I won't have it on time. My heart sinks when I see there's no letter from him.

I walk into the house expecting the same blank look my dad always gives me when I come home. This is why I panic when I see a grim look instead.

"No." Its the only word I can get out at the moment.

"Beatrice, sweetheart," my dad says softly.

"No! Unless you're telling me Tobias is safe and coming home soon I don't want to hear it." I can feel the tears welling up in my eyes but he continues anyway.

"The message is from a week and a half ago. Tobias and his team went in, but several didn't come back out. They found a few bodies during a recovery mission, but his wasn't one of them. They think he might have been captured. I don't know what the situation is currently, but it doesn't look good. Honey, I'm so sorry." I can actually see tears in his eyes as well, I can't even remember the last time I saw him cry.

"But I thought this was supposed to be an easy mission. He was supposed to be home by Christmas."

"Tris, this mission was anything but easy. They had a very hard time recruiting soldiers for it because it was so dangerous, but he was one of the first to volunteer. It was a miracle that anyone made it out alive."

"Why didn't you tell me it was so dangerous? I didn't think when I said goodbye it was going to be for the last time!" It feels like my heart is ripping out of my chest as I'm saying these words.

"I have a duty to my soldiers. If he didn't want to tell you, that's his decision."

"Don't you have a duty to me too?" I can barely get the words out because I'm sobbing.

"Of course, but he was doing it because he cares about you, not out of malice. If it were me, I wouldn't have told you either." I'm shocked to see tears in his eyes too.

"Beatrice, he gave me a letter to give to you if something was to happen to him. He said he made a promise to get you a letter by Christmas. He said if you didn't get one, then I was supposed to give this to you." He hands me a letter with no stamp, no mailing address and no return address. This letter was obviously written before he left. I just stare at it for a few minutes before I get the courage to walk to my room to read it.

I open the letter slowly, taking a few deep breathes before I start to read his last words to me.

Tris,

I'm really hoping you never have to read this letter, but if you do I want you know how sorry I am. Please know that I never wanted to leave you. I lied to you about this mission but it was only because of how much I care for you. I never wanted you to worry about me. Every day I had prayed that I would come home to you, even though I knew the chances were slim.

I promised you that you'd hear from me by Christmas, so this is me keeping that promise. If you haven't heard from me yet, its probably because the mission went badly. We were told if we weren't home by Christmas then we were probably not going home at all.

I wanted you to know that I think that I'm in love with you, but I was waiting until I was sure to tell you. Then again, maybe I'm already sure but I just didn't want to frighten you.

Tris, you have gotten me through some dark times. I carried you around with me, like my own personal guardian angel. You're the reason I've fought so hard to come home.

If this last mission was my end, just know that my last thoughts were of you. I hope you can forgive me for leaving you.

Love always
Tobias

I fall to my knees beside my bed and I think I cry, or at least I want to. Everything inside me screams for just one more kiss, one more word, one more glance, one more.

A/N - two of my favorite parts of divergent in this chapter. The last one made me weep like a baby when I read it in allegiant, but its so well written. The spin is that Tris is saying it about Tobias.