Why I Stayed

Chapter Three

We crossed the street to Scappoose High School and made it to class half an hour in. I don't think the teacher noticed. I sat in my usual spot in the first row of the raised room, only to fall through the chair again. Goddamnit, I keep forgetting. If you walk into the room, you are currently on the lowest level of the room. It rises up in levels so all band members can see the conductor. Pretty common layout. "Ok, anyone gone in the first row?" Mr. Jackass, oops, I meant Mr. Jackson called out. "Amelia's gone!" Creepy Ben responded immediately. Hello, I'm sitting right here, I wanted to say. Josh was also gone. Bo came and sat next to me. Well, he was up on a chair, laughing at my inexperienced ass on the floor. "How the hell do you keep being able to sit in chairs and I can't?" I complained. "Maybe you're just a fatass," he snickered. I smiled, then kicked him off the chair. Clearly, he wasn't going to tell me. "There, now you know what it's like to be at the bottom," I laughed. There's usually a lot of unused chairs in the first row. Not that it would have mattered if there was something there. The band pulls out their first piece. Suite of The Nutcracker. We like to get started on our Christmas music early. The sound fills the room. I look longingly up to my band locker. "I wish I could play," I sighed. "I wish I could leave," Bo said next to me. "Why though? I mean, it doesn't seem all that bad," I told him. He leaned back in the chair, taking in the music. "When you've been here for a long time, you'll understand. It's just been me really, for the last six years or so. At some point, you start to wonder if you'll be stuck here for eternity, when all the humans are gone, will I still be here?" He added, his voice hushing. I looked down thoughtfully. I guess I don't want to be stuck here forever either. "I just can't figure it out! Why here? What the hell could possibly be here in this stupid, virtually nonexistent town that will help me finish my mission?" He burst out. I felt slightly offended, considering this is where I grew up. But I also feel the same way, I can't wait to get the hell out of this pit of nothing. There's just nothing here. Portland is the biggest city in Oregon and it's only about 45 minutes from here, but still Portland is nothing compared to Seoul and Bangkok. I was blown away by the sheer massiveness of Bangkok when I was in Thailand. It takes at least an hour to get from one side of the city to the other. And I can tell you there is no speed limit in that place. Road lines are merely suggestions, people drive on whatever side of the road they damn well please. The office TA walked in, carrying a few bright orange slips. She started distributing them to people at random. I was surprised to see she only handed out three, and to practically all of my best friends in band. Connie, Henry and Alyson got one. Band is pretty tight, we're all friends in some kind of retrospect. That's just the way that band is. The TA then walked out. I sat next to Connie in band because we both play off of the oboe part. Violin doesn't really have a place in a symphonic band. I leaned over Connie's shoulder to read the orange slip. All it contained was her name and the note, "Go to the auditorium when called."
That's strange. Hold on. Something heavy settled deep in my stomach. I had a bad feeling about this. I was about to say something to Bo when the intercom burst to life. "All students that were handed a neon orange slip, please report to the auditorium," the young woman in the office spoke with a cool voice. Henry slowly stood up, laughing at something Michael just said. I watched the three of them leave. "Come on, let's go check it out," I said, pulling on Bo's hand. I followed them outside to find a group of more kids gathered outside the auditorium. There were only about 20 or so students. India was there along with three adopted girls, Emma, Carra and Kat, who are all from Asia that I'm friends with. Well, Carra was from the Marshall Islands. A bunch of kids from XC were there. They all filed in one at a time. I followed them all inside. The counsellor was up on the stage, directing the students to the first two rows. Bo and I went up with them. I sat in an empty seat next to Connie. She looked up and stared at me as I sat down next to her. Well, as I fell down next to her. I weighed just a bit more than the chair. Bo looked down at me and laughed, somehow seated on his seat perfectly. Fine, just be like that with your years of geek experience. I was still concerned about Connie, can she see me? "Hey, A-" she started saying. "I'm afraid I have some bad news for you guys. Last night, a student was killed in an accident," she started off. Whatever was causing the earlier sensation in my stomach was gone. It completely dropped, I don't think there was a stomach there anymore. Well, you know what I mean. Everyone in the room hushed, a sickeningly eerie silence rolled across the room. "It was Amelia Hudson. She was hit by a train late last night. Her family are the only people that know-" the counsellor kept going to try and keep everyone under control. But at the mention of my name, there was a simultaneous quiet gasp from about twenty people, followed by a few cries from girls who I sometimes had lunch with, sometimes said hi to in the hallways, shared clubs with, shared classes with, shared sports teams with. And then there were my best friends. Alyson, India, Emma, Carra, Constance...... Henry. Who all remained silent. I dared to glance at Connie seated quietly next to me. She was staring at the ground. Motionless. "The few of you who are in here are here because we know you were close with Amelia. Please don't spread this around social media and other kids here. Some members of her family haven't been reached yet and the police would like to give out an official statement later tonight. There are trauma counsellors on sight at the school right now and pastors if you need someone to talk to," the counsellor was saying. I had to say, she was handling this fantastically. Probably how she got the job. "NOOOOO!" Connie gasped next to me, almost as if coming back to life. Her small chest heaved with shuddering breaths and gasps. Henry got up from his seat in the front row and sat on Connies other side, comforting her. If she knew I was here, she didn't acknowledge my presence. "Bo, I need to leave. Now," I whispered quietly to him. I was worried if I elaborated any more on my request, I'd fall apart. Bo placed a pale arm around my shoulders and steered me out. We had hardly gotten up though when I heard someone yell. Everyone in the room got really quiet. Even the counsellor stopped her spiel. I slowly turned around and saw Henry standing straight up, hands clenched in tight fists at his sides. "You're lying! You're just lying! She's not dead! She's not!" He yelled, not really looking at the counsellor, more so just at everyone in general. "Why are you all crying?! There's nothing to cry about, she's alive. She's alive...... SHE'S ALIVE! WHY CAN'T ANY OF YOU SEE THAT SHE'S LYING?!" He screamed, pointing at the poor counsellor. I was in shock. I had no clue that Henry had this in him. He picked up his backpack, slinging it angrily onto his back and stormed out of the auditorium, walking right through me. "Can you stay here for a second?" I said to him, more like ordered him to stay. I jogged to the entrance of the auditorium that opened up into the lobby. He was sitting on the ground curled up into the ball. Crying. I wanted to run up to him, throw my arms around him, tell him everything was going to be ok. I can't take this! I feel so powerless in this state! I literally can't do anything except manipulate the world around me in subtle movements. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. God I'm such a mess, I'm so sorry Amelia," he was whispering to himself. I got down next to him and leaned my head on his shoulder. He looked up suddenly, but kept staring straight ahead. "I'm so sorry, I wish I said something. God, I wish-", he shuddered, pressing his face back into his knees. "I don't know if you can hear me, but I love you. I have since that trip we took to Sunset Beach during the summer. I love you Amelia and I'm so sorry I didn't say it earlier," his sobs muffled in his curled up form. Tears started rolling down my face as I burrowed into his shoulder. "I'm sorry too," I whispered. "I feel like you're here, like you're not actually gone. I still can't believe it, I bet you can't hear any of this. I'm just mumbling to myself," Henry said a bit more clearly. "No, I can hear everything you're saying. Please keep talking," I pleaded with him, more with myself I guess. "You probably don't even like me, how could you after I dated that other girl just because.... I don't even know why. I don't want to say I did it to make you jealous, like what a pathetic thing to do. But I feel like that was the reason, and I feel so bad. Please just hear this, I'm so sorry and all I've ever wanted was you and now it's too late and I hate myself for it. Please be here, please hear me. God I wish you could hear me!" Henry yelled quietly, but intensely into his arms. I didn't know what to say, what to think. This is everything I was hoping he'd say to me for months, and now here it is, all out in the open, but it's a one way street it's all out in. I had to let him know, before it ate me alive. Before it eats Henry alive. I don't know how I did it, but think I just figured out my mission.
And it's only my first day.