Teach Me How to Love Again (Sequel to Dirty Little Secret)

Chapter 58: I'm Just a Waste of Your Time, Maybe I'm Better Off Dead

*~(The title of this chapter is from Natives by blink-182.)~*

After school, I was afraid to get back to Gerard's house. I was hoping I'd get home before Gerard, but that was almost impossible, because he was driving, and I was walking. Pete, Jamia, and Frank still walked with me, even though I had been a bit hostile with them all day.

They all hugged me goodbye before I hesitantly unlocked the door and entered Gerard's house. Sure enough, I hadn't beaten him home.

"H-hey," he said, almost nervously. That was oddly friendly for him.

"Hello," I said plainly.

"Um... I-I... I made you some hot cocoa. I w-was gonna make coffee, but I read somewhere that caffeine isn't good for, um... Pregnant women, and like, the baby, and stuff. S-so here you go," he rambled nervously, then he handed me the mug.

I raised an eyebrow at him. Why was he suddenly being nice to me? I still took the mug from his hand and faked a smile. He even put whipped cream and sprinkles on it. I took a sip, and it was delicious.

"Thank you," I said timidly, determined to not make him angry again.

"I, um... I-I'm sorry about this morning," he said, rubbing the back of his neck uncomfortably.

"It's okay," I said, then I sipped my cocoa again.

"I didn't mean to humiliate you in front of your friends."

"I-it's fine," I said. I was afraid to say more. I still didn't want to make him mad.

I finished my cocoa as we both sat in silence.

"Th-that was really good. Thank you," I murmured quietly.

"I'm glad you liked it," he said, then he took my mug to the sink for me. I hated this awkward small-talk almost as much as I hated the fighting.

"A-are you hungry? I can make you some food, i-if you want," he muttered, messing with the sleeves of the white button-up shirt he was still wearing from school.

"You don't have to. My legs aren't broken," I said, repeating what he had said to me earlier.

He frowned. "No, I'll do it. I wasn't nice this morning. I should be doing stuff for you."

"Okay. Thank you."

He eventually made me a sandwich. That was also very good.

"I'll go upstairs now i-if you want your space. I'm just sorry about this morning," he mumbled, looking down at his feet.

"Y-you don't have to go. It's kind of nice to get along again, even if it's just for a little bit."

"For a little bit? Y-you don't think we can permanently get along?"

I shrugged. "I-I don't know. We just never seem to be able to get along for very long."

"I've been a real dick, haven't I?"

"Yep."

"I'm really sorry. I'm just... I just can't control myself. I just get angry when I think about all the shit I've put you through. I'm not mad at you, and I'm sorry if I'm still a dick sometimes. I can't help it anymore. I can't control my anger, or my drinking anymore. I'm gonna be a fucking terrible father. I'm so scared! You'll hate me, and the baby will too, if I ever see it. I don't want you to hate me, and I want to be a good father, but I'm just not in a good place mentally! It's terrifying."

I patted his shoulder in an awkward attempt to comfort him. Usually I'd hug him, but I was still a bit afraid to.

"Skylar, be honest with me; are you still afraid of me?"

I nodded slightly, then I turned away so I wouldn't have to meet eyes with him. I was so afraid of how he'd react.
"You're afraid of me, and my own fucking child is gonna be afraid of me! I don't want the baby to grow up scared of their own father, and I don't want you to be scared of me anymore! I'm a fucking wreck! I have no self-control. Maybe I'm better off fucking dead. Then I can't ruin your life anymore. Then I'll be just a memory, and you can finally move on without me ruining your life."

"Gerard, don't say that. Just because you've scared me in the past doesn't mean I want you dead."

"I don't want to hurt you anymore, but I just can't control myself! I still love you so much. I know you don't love me like that anymore, but I still can't keep hurting the woman I love like this."

I stayed silent. I didn't know how to respond to that. He shook his head sadly and got up off of the couch. "I'll be upstairs now. I'm sorry," he said.

I started crying after he left the room. He really does still love me? I didn't know how to feel about this at all.