Teach Me How to Love Again (Sequel to Dirty Little Secret)

Chapter 45: I Feel Numb Most of the Time

*~(The title of this chapter is from Numb by Marina and the Diamonds)~*

*~Gerard's P.O.V.~*

If I had to describe mine and Sky's relationship, I would say we're just two people who wanted the same things, just at different times.

That probably sounds cliche, but it was true. We always seemed to be on opposite schedules. She'd want to get back together, but I'd be too much of a dick. I'd want to get back together, but she'd be too mad at me. Then there was that one time. She was trying so hard to remember me and get me back, then I fucking cheated.

We were always on opposite schedules.

Earlier today I got drunk and called her. I should have deleted her number so I wouldn't ever call her, even on accident, but I never deleted it. My drunken mind seemed to have forgotten that she was mad at me, so I came crawling back.

Then she hung up.

I don't remember anything I said while I was drunk, but I think I tried to get her back. All I remember is that she hung up on me. After that, I drank some more, then I didn't even make it up the stairs to my room before I passed out. I woke up face-down on my stairs with a splitting headache.

I sighed and went out to the back porch to smoke another cigarette. I miss Sky so much. I fucking hate being sober, because when I'm sober, all I think about is Sky.

I was just numb now. I was numb to any pain besides Sky. I was numb to the burning in my lungs from the smoke. I was numb to the splitting headache that still remained from all the alcohol I had drank. I was numb to the burning in my throat that accompanied each sip of alcohol I took. I was numb to all of this, because nothing hurt as bad as the pain in my heart I got when I thought about Sky. Nothing hurt as bad as my throat when it began to tighten up as I started to cry for her. Nothing hurt as bad as losing the woman I love.

I hated being numb. Anything could have happened right now, and I wouldn't have been fazed, unless it had to do with Sky. The world could probably end right now, and I'd only be worried about Sky. I'd put her own safety before mine in any case. I would take a bullet for her.

And that's why I'm numb to everything. She's all that matters to me, and now she's not mine. I have nothing to live for, so who cares if I'm in pain?

After I had smoked most of my cigarette, I threw it on the ground and stomped it out before I walked inside. There was still a picture of Sky and I on my wall. I stared at it for a while. She looked so happy then, unlike now. I hadn't seen her beautiful smile in ages. That's because she's never happy when she's around me. Why would she be? I'm awful, and I don't deserve a girl as amazing and beautiful as her.

I wanted to get drunk again, but I was out of alcohol now. I just crawled onto the couch and tried to get some more sleep. Sleep didn't come very easily to me anymore, unless I passed out.

I almost dozed off, but then I started thinking about what Sky said to me. She hates me.

I pulled the charm out of my pocket and looked at it. It said forever, but now she threw it at my face and walked away from me. I guess I was wrong when I asked them to engrave the word "forever" onto it.

I eventually dozed off into a not-so-peaceful sleep.

It's not fun being numb, but it's even worse to be in this much pain over one thing.