Doomed-Bring Me The Horizon

Car Radio-Twenty One Pilots

"Sometimes quiet is violent. I find it hard to hide it. My pride is no longer inside. It's on my sleeve. My skin will scream, reminding me of who I killed inside my dream. I hate this car that I'm driving, there's no hiding for me. I'm forced to deal with what I feel, there is no distraction to mask what is real. I could pull the steering wheel."

"I'll be fine, I promise. I'm gonna go... think about stuff. I'll be back later."

"Okay. I love you, bear." He says sleepily.

"I love you too, lion." I say back, smiling him. He falls asleep instantly. I hobble out of the room and close the door as quietly as I can. I go out into the lounge, open the window, and sit out on the fire escape. I like to come out here to think. It's nice and quiet and no one bothers me so I can get through shit on my own, like I prefer to.

I really don't like the idea of therapists. I don't like the idea of people I don't know very well knowing all the shit that's going wrong in my life. And with me, there's a lot. There's the self harming, the suicide attempt, all the shit that's going on in my head, it's a lot to tell a person you don't know.

I'd rather Phil pretend to be my therapist, but then again, I don't want to put all that stuff on him. He doesn't know a lot of this stuff and, on one hand, I want him to know everything so I don't have to keep any secrets from him. On the other hand, I don't want him to know all this depressing stuff about me.

I think about what I should do for a few more minutes, then decide that I need to tell him. But I don't want to wait. I need to tell him now. I go into the hallway and lean against the wall before deciding if I'm really going to do this. I finally say to myself, yes, I need to do this.

I open the door to our room and peek my head in. "Phil? Are you awake?" I hear him mumble, but can't make out real words. "Phil, wake up I need to tell you something important."

I come into the room and flip on the lights. I sit down on the bed next to him and shake him until he's sitting upright. "What? What's so important at... 3:30 in the morning?"

"I was thinking and I thought that instead of talking about a bunch of personal stuff to a strange therapist I don't even know, it would be better to tell you all the stuff I would normally tell him. Would that be okay?"

"Yeah, definitely. But can it wait until tomorrow? I'm tired."

"Phil, please this is really important to me, and if I wait until tomorrow I won't be able to sleep. And I might forget what I was going to say. Or I might not want to tell you anymore. I don't want to have to keep secrets from you anymore."

"Okay." He adjusts the pillow so he's more comfortable and gives me his full attention. "Tell me everything."

So I do. I tell him why I started cutting. I tell him how bad I did it. I tell him about all the times I cried myself to sleep and thought about killing myself, all without his knowledge. I tell him what drove me to my suicide attempt and what I think about it now. I tell him that I kept secretly cutting even after he told me not to. I explain all the things I've ever thought about that made me feel depressed. I explain why I was so shitty the first few months of our marriage. I tell him all the thoughts running through my head when he left me, and that I, again, thought about killing myself. I tell him all these horrible things that I've done or thought about without telling him.

The entire time he sits in silence, just listening to me. A few times I see his eyes well up and I feel bad, but he has to know, so I continue. I talk for almost two hours. I don't feel sad, I don't feel happy, I don't feel anything. But this time, I don't care. I need to not feel anything so I can tell him without freaking out.

After I finish, he doesn't say anything for a minute. He looks down at his hands in his lap. Then he looks back up at me, takes my hand in his and says, "Thank you for telling me."

"You're not mad or upset?" I ask.

"Of course I'm not mad. I am a little bit upset, but I'm more glad that you don't have to go through all that alone anymore."

"I love you so much." I smile at him.

"I love you so much too, bear." Then he kisses my nose, and then me.

"It's so cute when you call me that."

"Because you're so cute. You're my teddy bear that I can hug and snuggle with."

I smile. "Why don't we go to sleep now? I'm tired, and I'm sure you are too."

"Yeah. Goodnight, Dan." We both lay down under the covers. I put my head on his chest as he wraps his arms around me. I feel so safe when he does this. Like there's nothing in the world to hurt me, not even my own thoughts. It feels like Phil can protect me from anything now. And he does. We both fall asleep, dreaming about what the future might hold for us.