happy Thanksgiving...
January 13
Cassius's POV
"How does she make you feel?" The psychiatrist, Mrs. Barnes asked, her right leg over her left.
Insane. She makes me feel insane. I want to grab her by her throat and choke her until her body loses the fight for air but then I want to kiss all over her face and lie, and tell her that I love her.
"Good, I guess. She makes me feel good." was what I said.
"The voices. She knows about them, you said. Tell me. What do these voices sound like?"
Hm. "....Like me. They sound like me."
"No distinct voice description? Is there multiple voices? Perhaps a mono tone and a more deeper one? Maybe even one of a child's?"
She'd caught me. Caught me red handed. I gulped hoping she didn't notice, watching her eyes to see if they fell to my throat. "I don't know." was what I said.
"Do different voices tell you to do different things?"
The lighter voice sounds more like me. That voice tells me shit to get me angry, and it feeds me lies. Tells me that Riley hates me and that I should kill myself. He wants me to fly off the handle and flip shit over. He wants me to murder my family and then save myself for last. That voice scares me.
The child like one is me as an adolescent. The one that helps me smile and laugh, tell jokes. It's a carefree side of me. But it's the side of me that makes me immobile. I stare at the wall, I don't eat, I don't speak or talk because the voice is telling me shit from my past, relaying stories in my point of view that I tried so hard to forget.
The deeper voice... that voice is my father. Telling me to do things to hurt people. To hurt my daughter and to hurt Riley. I hate that voice the most..
Mrs. Barnes writes something down on her pad. "Your children... Tell me something you love about each of them separatly and one thing you see of yourself in them. Start with whichever one you want."
"Caius... I love that he's protective of his family. And he acts just like me, talks just like me, walks just like me. I couldn't deny him even if I wanted to." I chuckled lightly and Mrs. Barnes smiled.
"Ju, he's smart and funny. I love that he cares. I wish I could care about other people, you know? He reminds me of a much younger me. Back before I was introduced this crazy shit we call life."
"And Jasmine?"
"She looks like me. She's cute. I know she's gonna make me proud one day. Seeing her graduate and all that."
"Asia?"
"She's my life in human form, I can put it that way. I don't know what I'd do without her... and it's killing me that she's not talking to me." Can't believe I'm actually talking to this bitch right now.
Mrs. Barnes placed down her pen, looked me in the eye. "Do you ever stop to think that maybe she needs you to apologize to her? Maybe she'll open up and speak to you about what happened and how she feels."
"Nah.. I don't wanna know she feels."
"And why not?" Her arms were crossed around her chest now.
"She probably hates me."
"How'd you come up with that?"
I paused. I know. "Because I hated my dad." She narrowed her eyes, wanting me to tell her more. I did. "I hated him for doing that shit. I know she hates me for what I did, she'll probably never speak to me when she's older."
"Have you spoke to her about it?"
"I told her it never happened, I put my hands on her."
"And we talked about that. Was that the right thing to do?"
I looked down at my hands. My hands that inflicted pain. These hands kill. "No..."
"Asia loves you. Riley loves you. And you love them, you just have to break through and love them as well."
"Okay but what the fuck? How do I do that? I got these fucking shits in my head telling me to fucking touch my daughter. You got shits in yo head, doc?" She quickly shook her head no, her eyes bugged. "Then don't tell me to fucking break through. I need to know how to.. I need to know that I won't hurt them anymore."
"I can't promise you that you'll never hurt them again-"
"Then what am I doing, huh? I'm wasting my time. I'm here to get better, for her! And even y'all can't help me!"
She leaned into her knees, staring me down sternly. "You're here for your children and for you. If you don't get this help, you'll run yourself and your family into the grave Cassius. I want to help you. I want to better you."
"How?!" I whined, sounding like a little bitch.
"I want you to write!" She slid me a sheet of paper and a pen. "Write all of your deepest secrets. Things that haunt you at night. The things that your voices remind you of.... Write.."
****
"Fuck, I can't stop crying." Riley wiped her eyes frantically as she watched Asia in her winter recital. It was an emotional moment. "Look, this is her solo!"
Asia stood on her tippy toes and twirled longer then everyone else on stage earning a standing ovation from the entire audience as she closed out the show, the curtains drawing in on her. She did it perfectly, all that practicing in the living room had paid off.
"That's my girl! Woooo! Go lil' bit!" Malakai clapped loudly with his heavy, shouting louder then all the other parents. "Y'all saw the little girl with the long hair and pink Tutu spinning nshit? I know her, that's my baby!" He yelled.
"Stop!" Riley laughed, hitting his sleeve. She picked up Kailani, her niece she'd met on Christmas by an accident. Rochelle forgot Riley was coming over, Lani sat on her couch with Taraji, her face like Chan and eyes so blue Riley questioned it off the bat. "Ready to go home mamas? You sleepy?" She asked her.
Kailani nodded her head, shoved her face in Riley's shoulder. Riley rubbed her back knowing she must be tired since her older cousins kept her up all night. Asia finally emerged from the other kids and Riley wrapped her into a hug. "You did so good baby. I'm so proud of you."
"You did awesome. You had the best spin." Kai exclaimed, picking her up and throwing her into the air only to catch her. He had to have been working out because who can pick up a twelve year old like that? When Asia was back on her feet, he put his arm on her shoulder. "You hungry lil bit?"
"Yeah." She nodded happily, the smile never leaving her face.
Ray walked over with the twins and Chris behind her, she held a bouquet of flowers and candy. "Here grandbaby. You did great."
"Thanks." Asia took the gifts and hugged her.
The family made their way to the local all-you-can-eat buffet to pigged out in celebration of Asia's dancing.The table fell quiet once everyone got their plate and were digging in.
Malakai put his arm on the back on Riley's seat and scooted his face to her ear once conversation started up again. "Have you thought about what I said?"
