Funky Stories

A Day With Borris

Borris walked along the water. He strutted like he owned the place, his pink flip flops flapping in ecstasy. Sitting down on the edge of the pier, his legs dangled letting the waves caress his skin. Suddenly a shrill call sounded "Borris!" he looked behind him to see Pierre galloping toward him. Pierre was running so fast his eyebrows tingled and before he knew it Pierre crashed into him throwing him off the pier flip flops and all. Pierre willing to do anything for his idol, stripped off his tangerine flannel shirt and dived after him, screaming "Ill save you!" forgetting he could not swim.

Borris was ready and, and in seconds grabbed Pierre's trousers, hauled him to shore and started slapping his chest with cpr. Exhausted he collapsed on the sand, "Dumb" exclaimed Borris, "Anything for you" said Pierre in devotion. Borris couldnt help catching a glimpse of Pierre's underwear and exclaimed in indignation "you took my underwear!"..  he gasped "There just so fabulous Borris, with the right shade of lilac and thickness of lace!" Borris stared into Pierres soul and replied "I know" then slipped on his  sunglasses leaving the wide eyed Pierre soaking in the sand.

Borris muttered to himself as he stumbled back to his underwear shop, Bootylicous. Picking seaweed out of his hair, Lucy his assistant, was waiting for him planted on the counter. She lifted a customers worn out pair of knickers for him to examine "Can you save it?" she asked. Borris picked it up, pulled it, sniffed it and then finally tried them on. "I think so" he replied.  Lucy plopped off the counter declaring her shift over, and rode her cow home.

Borris later decided he had worked hard enough for the day and closed up shop. He went to his trailer home out back, devouring a can of chicken in his favorite rocking chair. 3000, his cat was having another 'episode' madly munching on his litter box with paranormal vibrations.  He swung his mop chasing 3000 away and came back to his living room, which was the only room, just as the phone rang.

Borris desperately tired to pick up the kumquat  shaped speaker phone with his freshly painted nails "Bonjourrr?" his questionable french accent purring "Is that Daphne?" asked a frail sounding old lady. Borris thought long and hard about irrelevant things, thus finally replying "Yes" then he hung up. Abruptly Pierre was at the window, his eyes crazed. "Who's Daphne?" he panted, then ran away..

But just as Borris was about to go back to his nails, Pierre burst through the door with a drunken Lucy at his heels. She was crying because she crashed her cow and barley escaped the police. Borris  who was wearing nothing but his custom pearled underwear in turtle shell pattern no1 had enough! looking at the sight of them he said "Lucy youre fired" and strutted away.

Pierre in his manic induced state was off the planet, turning to Lucy in a new found clarity, he layed his lips on hers delivering a slobbery smooch. Then said "How dare you!"instantly turning his nose up at her as if she were gutter slime.  Hissing, and spinning around he dropped his designer trousers. In a daze Lucy watched Borris disappear further into the house and Pierre merge into the rose garden both in nothing but underwear.