déjà vu?

nine // the fault in the fight

josh.

I hadn't been more ready for a fight with Tyler in my life than I was today. Four months ago Tyler had broken the one promise both of us had to keep. He had tried to take his life even after we promised neither of us would do in the years we live. If he thought it was an exception because we weren't friends anymore, he was wrong. No where in the deal had we stated that we had to be friends. He broke the one promise I prayed he wouldn't do and it was to the point it no longer upset me, it now pissed me off.

Four months ago I demanded a party for the date of March 7th. I gave him four months to recover from his disorder, and I had to admit he looked like he was back to normal. He could take a bit of yelling. Of course, I didn't tell Ashley or Jenna about my plan, I just made sure there was going to be a ""party"" like the first time. The first fight I had with Tyler came rushing back in my memory, everything making me feel nauseous.  Memories of the past nine months overwhelmed me with everything we've been through. Most of the past without Tyler were from my experience without him, knowing honestly I only knew my side from what hasn't been established by him. He only knew his thoughts and his points of view while I knew mine. Nothing more made me angrier.

I wanted to understand his side and know his reasons of attack, verbally and emotionally. I wanted to know if he was really struggling as much as the tension in the air was when we were around each other. I wanted to be friends with Tyler again. I didn't know when it started, but I knew it was sometime in the past few months how much I have realized that Tyler and I weren't meant to be separated. We were inseparable. It was the truth and I couldn't deny it once I found it out.

For the first few months without Tyler, all I could think about was how slow time went without him around. Of course, I had other friends and I had the gym to keep my attention, but every time I got alone, nothing seemed to speed time up. Of course I thought it was ironic that time would lag when I'm without the one person that (I think) can control time. It's been about a whole school year without him to help me through and to be completely honest, it's been complete hell without him. School was fun when we were together but it's been a bummer since we spent the whole of our last year in high school separated and it's all been my fault.

There's no way around the fact that I was the one to ruin the friendship. Obviously Tyler could of been a good sport and accepted the fact that his brother knew about his power and claimed our friendship renewed. However, he didn't, and I didn't stop myself from telling Zack about his power. To be completely honest, the words never did slip. Back when Tyler and I first fought, I couldn't blame him for exaggerating the fact that I would let "something like that slip" when in reality I could've stopped it from happening. The first few words were a mistake and after that, I could back track, so it slipped.

It wasn't like me to be at Tyler's early that day. However, I was and Zack and I had alone time. He was the only one out of the Joseph family I hadn't really known well, so he seemed to take this moment for granted, asking me to spill a few secrets. I confessed a few, not so juicy, like my first breakup and my first drunken kiss. He had shared one or two, equally as juicy.

"How about anything I don't know about Tyler, things he hasn't told us?" It was completely innocent, and I couldn't lie now and say I didn't know that Zack didn't know. It was pretty clear of how Tyler didn't want anyone outside him and me to know. It wasn't just pretty, it was crystal clear especially when he had told me on his tenth birthday. He was a wreck and stuttering mess when he told me.

"Well obviously I do" I laughed. I'm mentally slapping myself in the face for that. I practically bruised my mind because of that statement. I didn't think, oh how I wished I had.