Everyone Died+My iPhone Stopped Working: An Oral History of The Robot Apocalypse

Brainy Ladies

Ew! Gross! Jesus, Tyler! What's wrong with you?

[Note: I have since learned that a "double-slit experiment" is actually one of the most famous demonstrations in the history of quantum mechanics, but still... gross!]

OK, so, back to the issue at hand...

Right. Well, if we assume one timeline — which was Oh-face's preference — then we could potentially change the past in a way that could affect the present. But there is the time paradox problem.

Which is...?

Check it out. I go back in time and kill my grandfather. Which means I never existed. Which means I couldn't have killed my grandfather. Which means I did exist. Which means I did kill my grandfather. Which means I didn't exist!

Oy.

Now this paradox has some potential quantum solutions, which is awesome if you're a photon, but it's still a problem for us because we live on a macro level. [smiles] Some of us more macro than others.

Is that another reference to your penis?

My very large penis, yes.

Noted. So how do we deal with this time paradox?

One theory is that there are as-yet undiscovered physical laws that prevent the creation of these time paradoxes in the first place; in this scenario, you couldn't kill your own grandfather, because the universe wouldn't allow it. The other theory is that nothing would actually prevent you from killing your own grandfather and the paradox would tear our reality apart.

Boom! Yes! Down goes Frazier! Down goes Frazier! Man, I am just killing it today!

So how do we know which scenario is true?

We don't. But look, none of this matters anyway, because there are basically four plausible methods of time travel: an Einstein-Rosen bridge, a supermassive black hole, cosmic strings or speed-of-light travel, none of which was remotely achievable before civilization was destroyed, so we're certainly not going to achieve it now.

Boom! [drops an imaginary microphone]

OK, but sake of argument: someone finds a way to go back in time and they are careful and avoid the time paradoxes. Couldn't they do exactly what people are hoping and stop the Robot Apocalypse before it starts?

You mean by, like, killing John McCarthy?

A lot of people consider him the father of Artificial Intelligence.

I knew that.

[Note: I didn't know that, but I didn't want to give Tyler another excuse to yell "Boom!"]

So you're proposing a version of the "let's stop World War II by killing Hitler" scenario.

Yes.

Well, here's the thing about that. In 1944, there was something called Operation Foxley which was a British plan to end World War II by assassinating Hitler. The plan was abandoned when the Brits realized that Hitler was such a terrible military strategist that whoever replaced him was bound to be a heck of a lot better.

Boom! That's right, motherfuckers! I do science! I do history! Don't mess with me, because I am a multidisciplinary badass!

So you're saying that killing Hitler would have been counterproductive because it would have lengthened the war!

Correct. And speaking of lengthened...

[sigh] So how do you know all this World War 2 trivia?

I used to bang the famous historian, Dr. Doris Kearns Goodwin.

Wow. You definitely have a type.

What can I say? There's just something about brainy ladies that makes me want to bang them.

What a romantic sentiment. Is that Keats or Byron?

I have no idea what you're talking about.

I take it you haven't banged an English professor yet.

No, but it's on my to-do list.

OK, so bottom line: what do I tell people who insist that time travel can stop The Robot Apocalypse?

Tell them that, maybe, when they're looking for valid scientific information, Arnold Schwarzenegger films shouldn't be their first choice.

Duh.