Thinking Of You

Stop Crying Your Heart Out

CG: I NOTICE YOUR EAGERNESS TO ESCAPE THE TOPIC, HARLEY.

CG: ACTUALLY I WENT TO LOOK FOR GAMZEE AFTER KANAYA DIED.

GG: ! why? you didn't get hurt did you? lost a limb or an eye or something? can you still read this? 26749KARKATudhwudSO395u38CRABBY0983j

CG: >:B I DIDN'T LOSE ANYTHING AND I CAN STILL GODDAMN SEE WITH MY TWO EYES, HARLEY. THERE'S NO NEED FOR YOUR IMPROVISED EYE CHART.

GG: hmp.

CG: ANYWAY, I WENT TO LOOK FOR HIM BECAUSE I'VE NEVER FELT SO HELPLESS WHEN I SAW KANAYA LYING THERE LIMP AND DEAD. SO I TRIED TALKING TO HIM BECAUSE I DIDN'T WANT TO BE SO USELESS.

GG: what happened with gamzee? and no, you're not useless.

CG: I ASKED WHY HE KILLED KANAYA BUT HE DIDN'T ANSWER. EVEN MY SECOND QUESTION.

GG: what was your other question?

CG: IF WE WERE STILL FRIENDS.

GG: oh. :( i'm sorry.

CG: I WISH I WAS MORE LIKE JOHN.

GG: why is that? :/ don't you like being a karkat?

CG: NO. BECAUSE JOHN IS A FUCKING MUCH BETTER LEADER THAN I AM. PLUS, HE HAS YOU GUYS. HE HAS FRIENDS. I COULD NEVER FUCKING DO WHAT HE DOES. TAKING CARE OF THE THREE OF YOU AND ALL. BUT I COULDN'T EVEN FUCKING KEEP KANAYA OR THE OTHERS ALIVE.

GG: oh, no karkat. it's not about taking care of people or keeping them alive, silly.

CG: WHAT?

GG: it's about doing what you can. something. anything. you see, john is a leader in a way because he never gives up and is quite optimistic all the time. he never backs down and that's why we follow him. he gives us hope which is why he's such a good leader.

GG: but you're not john. you're karkat. i'm sure you're your own leader in another way and i'm pretty sure kanaya would also agree that you've been doing your job pretty darn good. don't be such a pessimistic crabby pants, you crabby crab.

CG: OH OKAY. IF YOU SAY SO. I GUESS I FEEL MUCH BETTER NOW. THANKS, JADE.

GG: you're welcome karkat! <3

CG: ALRIGHT. YOU SHOULD PROBABLY GO AND CALL ROSE NOW. WOULDN'T WANT HER TO FUCKING DIE WITH GRIEF AS WELL.

GG: okay! chat you next time. ;D also, you should really do something to not feel sad all the time. life's not as bad as you think it is. ...well, see ya! :)))))) <3

-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling gardenGnostic [GG] --

…

Life's not that bad?

…

Oh, yeah. It's fucking worse.

Ever since the game ended and the human kids left, all I could do is lie on the floor and think about them and my lost friends. I wonder if they miss everyone who was in the game. Probably not because I'm the only one who does. There was nothing to do anymore. And now with Kanaya dead, my friend population had been reduced to zero. It's all fucking hilarious.

I stared at the roof of my room. It's so goddamn boring. I've been gawking at it for a long time, I think I've made a dent on it and it spells 'FUCKING USELESS'.

I meant myself, of course.

I wonder... if Terezi had been the leader that time and not me, would things have been better? Speaking of Pyrope, I suddenly remembered when she used to be there. She would annoy the fuck out of me, but now I think I'm starting to miss that. At least she cared back then. At least she had time for me. I wonder where she is now and if she misses me so much like I do with her.

I remember Kanaya telling me that she was going to look for Gamzee. That fucking fool Maryam, why couldn't she have just stayed safe!! If that only happened, maybe I didn't have to feel so alone. Why couldn't she have thought that I also cared about her?! Lalonde was lucky in a way. She lost Kanaya, but she had her other friends to keep her company. I didn't have anything now.

I remember looking for Gamzee myself a few weeks ago. I couldn't remember why I cried while talking to him. Maybe because I was afraid that he was still holding Kanaya's chainsaw, still splashed with her blood on the blade. Maybe because I could never tell how much I missed him as well. Or maybe because I thought that he didn't want to be my friend anymore and it made me wonder what the fuck was wrong with me.

I had no friends now. They were on earth. They were nowhere. They were dead. I wonder if there was something even more miserable than being alone.

The thing is, when you're alive and you have nothing, what would be the point of waking up everyday?

.

.

.

I sat upright.

But... maybe, if you had nothing, you had to look for something else besides the things beyond your grasp.

If you're alive and you use your whole time wallowing and being sad that things happened to you, I don't think you were really living your life. So what the fuck was I doing?!

I stood up, grabbed my hook, and ran outside into the cold night. I didn't know where I was going, but it was better than not living. Maybe I'd look for my friends. Read some books. Learn new stuff. Who knows? Maybe I'd even figure out how I can fucking bring my moirail back somehow. If not now, then someday.

I could almost hear Kanaya's heart beating again. But maybe I was just hearing my own. After so many times of crying and feeling sorry for myself, I was alive.

I haven't ran like this in ages. Running, not because someone was in trouble or because you were scared, but running just because you felt free. The wind against my face felt nice. I was crying again, but this time I wasn't sad or afraid anymore. I gasped and sobbed, and it was like breathing air when you were trapped for so long. I realize that I shouldn't just remember stuff like I did a while ago. I should also do things. Anything.

Life isn't always about memories, it's about making memories. I noticed that I haven't been doing that since the game ended. I was a leader, right? So I should be able to lead myself to something productive now.

It was probably morning now on earth. I wonder what the humans are doing. Probably not moping because they're all grown up now, unlike me. Now it was my turn to do so. My eyes looked up at my planet's dark sky, and I felt my whole world of melancholy and bitterness crumble down. Jade was right, it wasn't that bad.

I didn't know feeling strong could be this wonderful. I wonder if this was Rose felt like all the time. But I'm guessing she isn't as strong now like before because she lost someone that meant a lot to her.

Don't worry, I'll get your matesprit back, Lalonde. I don't know how, but I'd be willing to bet that someday, you'll see each other again and you guys will still fucking have feelings for each other because that's what I've always thought of the two of you. I'll do whatever it takes for that to happen.

Now, as I pushed myself faster, my body eager for life, I finally found my purpose again. I'd stop crying my heart out from time to time, and that made me so goddamn happy.

It was the first time I smiled ever since I can remember.

Rose Lalonde - Thinking Of You by Katy Perry

Dave Strider - Vindicated by Dashboard Confessional

John Egbert - Hero by Regina Spektor

Jade Harley - Sunshine by The All American Rejects

Kanaya Maryam - The Memory by Mayday Parade

Karkat Vantas - Stop Crying Your Heart Out by Oasis

I dedicate part 1 of this fanfic to my Homestuck crew: Karkles, Dave Elizabeth, Roxy/Dirk, and gay John. And also a homie of mine who is the best Rose Lalonde I know.