Thinking Of You

Vindicated

"Kanaya?"

"Yes, Dave?"

"I think I understand now what Rose says that you tend to fucking ramble."

She smiled apologetically. "So It Would Seem. Alright," she cleared her throat. "Well, A Matesprit Is Basically Your Other Half. One That Is Quite Special To You And A Pity Feeling Is Involved Towards Them. I Think Your People Would Call It A 'Solemate'?"

"It's soulmate, Kan. We're not the bottom of a shoe."

She blushed again. "Pardon My Mistake. A Soul Mate Then. You See, Both Words Have Something In Common And Would Refer To Another Being Aside From Your Own. Now, I Picked Rose Because..." she pursed her lips.

I tilted my head. "Because?" Was she always this suspenseful?

"Because She Is Everything." Her eyes started, what, sparkling?? How the hell was that even possible?! She continued, "As I've Said, You Will Not Be Able To Comprehend Yet. But When You Find The One You Are Looking For, It Is All So Wonderful. Adoring Someone And Being Adored Back. It Is Like Finding Something That You Thought Was Lost Forever. You Finally Feel Whole And Everything Would Be Okay Because You Wouldn't Be Alone. It Is Not 'Love', But Perhaps Something Stronger Than That."

I just stared at her dumbstruck. I think I knew why my sister fell for her. The troll was fucking crazy in love with Rose.

"Do Not Take This As An Insult But I Truly Believe That You've Already Found Your Matesprit Without You Even Knowing It."

I arched an eyebrow at her. "Yeah? Who the hell's that?"

"I Will Give You A Hint. Her Name Sounds Like The Color Jade."

"You call that a fucking hint??"

She chuckled. "You Tell Me. But I Think You Guys Look Swell Together."

I glared at her. "Swell, huh?"

Kanaya stood up with a smile on her face. Part of me thinks she's lost it. "Where are you going?" I asked.

She grinned at me, her glowing skin slightly blinding my eyes if not for my sunglasses. "I Am Going To See My Matesprit In Case She Needs Of Assistance. Talk To You Later, Dave." and she winked. I would guess I knew where she got that gesture.

"Wait, Kanaya." Why was she leaving when I'm supposed to be the one who would so she'll take what I say goddam seriously? Damn it. "I know you're head over heels for Rose and all, but I want you to promise me... that you'll never hurt her." She was the only family I had left. I don't know what I'll do if I saw her in pain.

Understanding washed over her face. "I Promise."

"Good. Now run along to your drunk "matesprit" and make out with her or whatever because I know you want to, while I finally finish my fucking raps."

She pecked me lightly on the cheek. Why the hell did I blush?! "Thank You, Dave. I Will See You Around."

* * *

I revved my motorcycle faster and it sped along the road, the houses seeming to blur at my peripheral vision. Getting a call from John and all made me forget about my sleep even though it was early morning and still dark out, the street lamps barely lighted the way.

It's been a long time since that conversation with Kanaya.

I wonder how Rose felt after she finally knew about it. Shit, I knew I should've told her the moment John said it to me. But it stopped me short. Would I really tell her right away if I knew it was going to cause her so much pain? But she had to know at some point. It had been hours. Days. Weeks. I'd go crazy too if someone didn't tell me Jade was dead for even minutes. Funny how Kanaya had been right all along about that matesprit thing.

But all that thought was shoved away when I saw Rose's car.

...

I saw her.

She looked like she was already dead if her lips weren't moving while she talked to me. She asked me to take her back to Kanaya by saying it the Rose way, being all secretive and saying something else and all, but I told her I couldn't and that's when I saw half of the show. I lifted her up to the passenger side while I slid in the driver's seat so she'd have some company. I was afraid to say anything that might upset her even more.

But then I said her own name... and I saw it.

No matter how long I lived, I would never forget this day that I saw my sister fall to pieces for the first time. It wasn't a pleasant sight, let me tell you. I wonder if John experienced this all the time with her. There was something about the way she handled things. Rose would usually keep everything to herself most of the time, even if something was hurting her ever since she left Kanaya. But now...

Now she had let it out.

It was a crippling thing to see her cry. It wasn't normal. Like if you'd seen a teenager slap his old grandfather in public, you couldn't help but stare. You'd feel all kinds of emotions.

I wanted to cry as well 'cause she was sad. I wanted to punch someone in the face 'cause she was hurt. I wanted to yell at her 'cause I--- WHO THE FUCK WAS SHE?! WHERE WAS HER INTIMIDATING BRAVADO?! WHERE WAS HER SMUG EXPRESSIONS AND SMIRKS?!

I wanted her to be fucking strong because that's what I always thought of her. She shouldn't be weak. It felt wrong. How hard it must be for someone who never let weakness take over all her life and suddenly let it all out because she couldn't handle grief anymore. It would hurt much worse.

She had opened the door and ran away from my sight. I would look for her later. If John didn't tell her right away when it was his responsibility to do so and gave her what she needed, I would. She wanted to be alone, and I would grant her that.

I had never seen my sister be vulnerable for someone other than her mom. She must really love Kanaya. It made me feel bad that the four of us left Alternia when Rose didn't really want to.

...

Maybe, you didn't have to go on dates to find someone you cared for. You could just sit somewhere and talk with them. Maybe even the tiniest things would be so much more special because you didn't have to work so hard. You were yourself, and now I think I understood why they called it soulmate because you're letting them see your soul, and vice versa. I thought I looked dumb that I didn't understand before.

I knew what it was like to lose someone that meant a lot to you. Heck, the four of us all do. But she already lost her mom before. Someone who was never there for her often. If Rose felt sad with a being she barely interacted, what more if she lost the person who used to be with her all the time?

It sounded miserable.

I guess I don't really know her that much. And possibly the only one who did, was dead. So who knew her now?

My eyes looked at the sky, not really hoping she'd hear me, but it seemed right. "Maryam... I forgive you, bro."

I opened the car door, took this paper bag from my motorcycle, and went to look for my sister.

I heard a beep once. Twice. A lot of times. Someone was calling me. I took my phone from inside my jacket, glanced at the caller ID, and pressed the answer button.