Love Until It Hurts (Monteverde Series 4)

11

            Mariin akong napabuntong-hininga. "Yes, pero nawala ka naman sa akin. I lost you."

            Natahimik kami parehas ng dahil sa sinabi ko. Inayos niya ang sarili niya at itinapis sa katawan ang kumot bago sumandal sa pader.

            "You didn't," bulong niya sa hangin. I smiled sadly. "Ako yung nagkamali, you were right. I used you. And I am disgusted with myself for doing that. I don't think I can ever forgive myself for the wrong that I did to you. Siguro, ito na ang karma ko."

            "Don't say that."

            "It's true."

            Umiling ako. "No. I should've listened to your explanation. E 'di sana, masaya pa rin tayo ngayon. I was stubborn and I distanced myself because of my narrow-mindedness. Sana sabay nating inaabot ang mga pangarap natin, sana okay tayo, sana hindi lumala ng ganito ang sakit na naramdaman natin. Sana hindi ka napilay." My voice, along with my heart, cracked.

            Umusog siya palapit sa akin at hinaplos ang mukha ko. Ikinulong niya ito sa dalawang kamay niya, her eyes were tearing up, too.

            "Zade, hayaan mo na 'yon. Wala na tayong magagawa do'n, e."

            "It still hurts me thinking about it..." I admitted out loud.

            "I'm so, so sorry."

            Hinawakan ko yung mga kamay niya at nalulungkot na tinitigan siya sa mga mata. Her eyes were conveying agony. Nasasaktan ako. Kasi sinasaktan ko siya. Biglaan na lang tumulo ang mga luha niya. Her hand fell from my face.

            "Sam..." I called her name like it hurt. Because it did hurt me to say it. It did hurt me to acknowledge the fact that I'm cheating on Elaine.

            "Zade, we can still be together, pero hiwalayan mo muna siya... kung... kung mahal mo pa ako. I can't be your secret, your insignificant other, your I'm-bored-so-I-need-a-good-fuck. I don't want to lose you again, hindi ko na yata kakayanin, pero mas hindi ko kaya na makasakit tayong dalawa. Being a reserve to you is going to hurt a lot less than being your no one. I'm going to take it if it's all you can offer." She sobbed and I looked at her, dumbfounded at her frankness and choice of words.

            "I—"

            "Please, Zade. I need you. I'm done pushing you away, I'm done lying to myself that I can make it without you. I'm so fed up with all the self-constructed lies I made to salvage my pride. Kaya kung gusto mo pa ako, kahit kaunting feelings lang ang mayroon ka para sa akin, I can work with that. But I can't go on kung mayroong iba."

            Kinulong ko siya sa mga bisig ko. My heart is crumbling inside me and then it would fuse itself only to crumble again. Mahigpit ko siyang niyakap at hinagkan ko ang tuktok ng ulo niya kahit na nanginginig ang labi ko.

            "You don't deserve me, Sam."

            "I don't care about what I do and don't deserve. Only I get to decide that."

            Humiwalay ako sa kanya bigla nang dahil sa sinabi niya. I looked at her and she looked back at me. Parang may naghulog ng bomba sa loob ko at natauhan ako.

            I can't do this. Not to her. Not to Elaine. I shouldn't be this unfair.

            Pinulot ko ang mga damit ko at nagmamadaling isinoot ang mga ito.

            "Zade..." She called me with her croaking voice and that just made it harder for me to turn my back. Ikinuha ko siya ng damit sa drawer niya bago ito ipinatong sa ibabaw ng kama niya. I gave her a forehead kiss before I grabbed September's car key.