One More Night? (EgoBang)

Chapter 13: Dear Journal: November 29

Journal's POV (I guess):

November 29

Dear Journal,

I forgot to write in here yesterday, go figure that. Well, nothing new really happened. I've decided on how I'm going to do it. I'm going to hang myself in my bedroom on the 3rd. It gives me enough time, I guess. All I really have to do is buy the rope and write a quick note for everyone, saying something about how I had to go, this world was no place for me, blah blah blah. But this Journal holds the truth and only one other person will know the truth besides myself. Dan. When I die on December 3rd, I'm going to have this journal at my feet with Dan's name written on the cover so the police will know who to give it to. Ha. I know you can't really hear me, but I just laughed. Why am I laughing, you ask? I don't know. I guess it's just the fact of knowing that I'm going to end my own life in just 4 days. No one really thinks it's possible until they're laying on the floor or hanging from the ceiling. In fact, now that I think of it, we're all pretty pathetic and stupid, except for those who do commit to taking their own lives. Those who run around, smiling and dancing, saying how much they love life are the people I'm talking about. Why waste your time by crawling around this worthless planet? We're all going to die anyways and if people really think the after like is all that great, then wouldn't they want to get there sooner? Why not make things easier and just eat a gun rather than waste your time by doing something, only to have it disappear when you do die? All fame is fleeting. Nothing is permanent. I mean, of course, I don't think Everyone should take their life, THAT would be VERY stupid. I know, hard to understand, I get it.

I didn't want it to end up like this, who would? I thought I had it all made. Get married, adopt some kids, and live my life with the one I loved. How did it all slip through my fingers, all because of a few words? No, the real question, is why did I do this to myself? Why did I do this to Dan? I love him so much more than I've loved anyone ever. He is the sweetest man I know. He has changed my life more than even God would know. He means everything to me, but obviously I mean nothing to him right now and I can completely understand that. I feel that when I do kill myself, it's not going to hurt half as much as it hurt to lose Dan, or as much as the words that had came out of his mouth the morning after our mistake. His words had been drenched in venom and flew through the air to bite me right in my heart. In fact, I don't think that when I hang myself, I will actually die. I mean, how can you kill someone who's already dead? Dan's words had hurt me so much, I'm sure I must be dead inside, there's no doubting it.

You know how I said that I wanted to adopt some kids? I did. I wanted to adopt  twins, one boy and one girl and name them Joshua and Emily. Joshua would be more attached to Danny and Emily would be more attached to me and Ross would be like their uncle that we would always get to babysit for when we would have to go away and we would end up yelling at him for giving the kids tubs of ice-cream and letting them watch Saw with him. We would go on tour together and record Game Grumps together, and just be one big happy family. That's the kind of life I wish we could have, instead of the one we ended up getting. Some dreams are better left as dreams, rather than being the way our lives actually turn out. But still, I wish I could do it all again. I would change so much... Nothing would be the same except for one thing. I would make sure that Danny and I never break up and that we would always have each other to help fight through the hard times.