The Valiant Sea

He's Gone

Loosing the only person that cares can really throw you.

And not in the right direction...

After the police had told my mum...the news... and she had told me... I had literally shoved past her and sprinted from my house (or shack), down my short, cracked cemented driveway and over the dirt road we lived on and onto the dirt track, which leads to the beach. Somehow, I just hoped to get lost in the depths of dry bush surrounding the rugged path. I just stumbled, my eyes half closed in pain, what was open to see was blurred from tears. I had never ventured down this path alone...not without Michael. When I came to a junction in the track I had turned right, going to unknown territory rather than our private little cove.

I continued in this state for a long while, I came to a steep incline in the track and I nearly tumbled face first. Somehow, however, I'm not exactly sure how, but I managed to stay afoot.

At the bottom of the incline I passed through a small gap between two rock walls, stepping out onto a flat plane of rock, looking almost natural and man-made at the same time. High rock walls, made of the same kind as that of the ground, surrounded me and the back wall was in the hill. The wall on the opposite side was a mirror image to the one I had just entered through. I realised I had stopped crying mesmerised by this place.

I was central in the plane of astonishing rock, I spun around slowly with my mouth slightly ajar. In hindsight I'm glad no nearby blowflies flew into it while my jaw hang. I stopped turning when I faced the blue-green depths of the sea, I was close to the cliff edge and when I look down 5 or so metres below me the body of water foaming and lapping at the rocks slowly, very slowly eating away at and eroding them into new shapes and sizes.

I closed my stinging eyes and as I listened to the steady rhythm of the waves engulfing the coast. Eventually I am able to match my breathing to the beat of the waves. I feel somewhat calm. Just for a moment.

Then, it was as if a tsunami had beaten me and threw my whole batted body, when I realised in that moment, what I had lost. My knees collapsed beneath me and it felt as if a tsunami had literally knocked me off my feet. I hit my head on the cold and hard rock as I fell on my side, a sharp pain stabbed at my shoulder and wrist but ignored it feeling like I deserved it. The side of my face felt glued to the rock by tears that never ceased to run from my eyes, the sobs wracking my body seemed to sap all energy and power I had left. It was helpless.

Why Michael? I thought incessantly.

When I could no longer bare to think his name, for every time I did I remembered all I was loosing. Instead I all I could think was:

Why him?

My heart felt like someone had stabbed it and then stole it through it in sand and then shoved it back in my chest.

I know slightly morbid...

But that's the only way I can think of describing how much it hurt.

All I wanted was for there to be some way to end this horrible pain.

I wanted this to just stop. I wish this never happened. I want Michael here, not gone. Not...dead.

He was my only friend. My only brother. My only family member who cared somewhat about me. Who would know when I was upset and would make his first priority to cheer me up and make it okay. He was the only thing keeping me going. The only comfort I had in this big cruel world.

Without him, how am I going to survive?

I lay there for a long time. Minutes or hours? I'm not sure, but I honestly didn't care.

Not anymore.

The cliff face was only a few metres away, I contemplated throwing myself over its edge...

But I couldn't move anyway.

Besides what was the point?

Instead, I decided to lie there until I needed to do something otherwise.

Which would probably be never.

God Ariana stop being so depressingly helpless.

'Why does it matter,' I whispered.

Everything matters, my thoughts replied, it sounded somewhat like Michaels voice...

I just stopped.

I have to pull myself together

But it's going to be hard.

I focussed my attention of the consistent rhythm of the waves crashing against the rock face below, I listened to the swish and swirl. I attempted to put all my attention into taking in the consistency and calmness of the water, I let it fill my mind until I couldn't hear or think about much else.

Anyone who might of seen me in that moment would of seen a still and outwardly at peace girl, perhaps doing her daily meditation or maybe lost in prayer to a higher power. But deep within I was in turmoil, it almost felt like stirring molten lava insides were being encapsulated by a smooth and cold rock shell. However, being the most calm and together I'd been since the ...news, it was somewhat reassuring even if in the slightest way, that mane one day I'll be able to rely on myself to look after myself...instead of my brother.

Or maybe I could rely on the sea to help me with that.

The valiant sea.

Suddenly, I hear my mother high and screeching through the silent bush, ' Ariana, Ariana'. The voice was searching and seemed filled anxiety, the tone is enough to bring me from my stupor.  My eyes snap open taking in the darkening evening sky with shades of light blue, move and orange. I am still listening to the waves. Not knowing when I can feel this calm again.

'Where are you?' She yelled, covering over the sound of the waves for a moment. I assumed from her voice at such a distance she must be atop of the dirt road looking down the dirt path. I presumed she thought she'd better look for me since I had not returned in hours, after, of course, taking care of herself.

Instead of responding I jerked to life, not wanting her or anyone else to find this place. I want it to be mine. Something I can have to my own.

I sit up suddenly looking out to the valiant sea, I watch the sun hovering just above the horizon and take a deep breath. Ignoring my feet splayed at random to the front of me, and slowly drag myself to my feet with a stiff body. Then after taking another deep calming breath, I began to walk out through the right gap in the wall where I had previously entered.

I finally replied, yelling/screaming despite my croaky voice and sore throat, "coming mother!"

I walked up the hill, not stopping once or letting myself ponder about Michael or about seeing my so-called mother.

Despite the darkness I see a flicker of something within as I trudge along in the growing darkness. I wouldn't call it hope, but I'm not sure what else to call it. I suppose the flicker just isn't big enough yet. All I know is that want to return to my new place and soon.

Return to my little hope.