"Shh...it is okay Brooklyn. Everything is gonna be alright." I try to calm her with soft words.
Brooklyn has been crying for the past hour. The results from her scans came back today, and the results are bad. Her cancer has metastasized, spread, and that is not good for her at all. The doctor said that her chances of remission now, is only 23%. Her mother tried to comfort her, but quickly determined that she needed me. Ever since I have let her cry on my shoulder, and tried to help her.
"Jae, I don't want to die. I am only fifteen. I already have my future mapped out. Mom and I already went and visited college campuses. I want to live...I want to beat the odds. I might of lost this battle, but I will win the war." she begins to cry harder. "I just want to be okay. I don't want to be sick anymore."
***Three hours later***
"Honey, please calm down. It will only hurt a little bit, and then it will be over. It will just be a little stick, and then you will be able to enjoy the rest of your day." The nurse kindly explains to me.
"No...it will hurt and I don't like that. I am scared, and I just want someone here with me."
As if an omen, the little girl from yesterday, Donna, entered my room. She climbed up on my bed, with a straining movement, and pressed into my frail hands; a fuzzy gift.
"This is Booshy, and my daddy gave her to me before he went to fight the bad guys in Irock." She says this in a quiet yet happy voice.
I looked down to see an army bear in my hands, and fought back tears. Her father must be in the military, so he can't be with her right now. He explained to her that he is a good guy, and he fights the bad guys. He must of been trying to keep her from worrying.
"I wanna be with you. You got a ouchie with me...I wanna be with you when you get yours."
I knew that for such a little girl, she is extremely brave. I decided that I would let the nurse clean my arm, but I was unsure as to whether or not I could let her poke me. After she cleaned my arm she had me to lay back. Donna laid back with me, and held my free hand. When I thought the nurse was about to poke me I jerked away. Donna leaned down and whispered, "Don't look it makes it hurt more. Just look at me, and squeeze my hand", I knew that it had to be something that a nurse or her mother told her. I looked at her, and she squeezed my hand. I felt the needle go in, and began to pull away. Donna told me to stay still, or I would have to get stabbed again. I immediately realized that she is wiser than her years. Soon after we fell asleep laying beside each other, and slept soundly.
Dear Diary,
Today went great, excluding the blood draw. I spent the entire day playing dolls with Donna, and we even laughed during our daily shots. We played dead while we got our shots, and even faked convulsions. Too bad the nurse could tell we were faking. I just got Dylan's letter. Here is a short excerpt:
"I know you are dealing with things that you don't tell me about. I know you battle inner demons that you fear everyday. I want you to trust me. Pour it all out to me, and let me help. Don't carry your pain alone, let me take some of the weight."
***Later***
Dear Diary,
Brooklyn is missing!!! She ran away today, and didn't tell anyone where she is. She left a note that told that she is at our secret place. Only I know that, but I wouldn't betray her that way...Her note says:
To Maggie...ex-mom,
Hi. You probably already noticed but I'm gone, and I am NOT coming back. You don't understand. I heard you tell Jaedyn that you're sick of me, and you hate how I disobey the nurses and doctors. I have only loved and cared about you. You broke my heart with what you said...I'm gone, and I'm never coming back. You are such a liar. You constantly cram all that Catholic bullcrap down my throat, and I'm tired of it. Emerald has helped me a lot. She has turned me towards the light of God, and I finally feel good about myself. She has accepted me for me, and loves me. She doesn't judge me for my flaws, and has taught me to embrace my imperfections. Every one sins, including preachers...no one is perfect. Why can't you understand that??? Why can't you see I'm not okay??? I am depressed mom...and I have a problem much worse. Everyone thinks that I rarely eat because of chemo...but that's not right. I am anorexic mom, and I am not gonna get better. This is goodbye...for now. I don't want to continually be a bother to you. Here is 15 reasons I hate being me:
1) I am a bald freak.
2) I look like I am already dead.
3) I have to get injections every day.
4) Every one treats me like I am gonna die any second.
5) I have cancer that is now terminal.
6) No one understands how I feel.
7) I'm a fat freak.
8) Every lies to me, and tells me that I'm too skinny.
9) I never have any energy.
10) I have a weak immune system, so I can't be normal.
11) People stare at me, and point.
12) I can't help any one with anything.
13) I self-harm, and can't stop.
14) I have to look at the pity on peoples faces and eyes.
15) People die all around me, and I can't stop or control the deaths.
See here mom, there is so many more reasons, but you wouldn't understand how I feel if I tried to explain. You might think you have it hard because you have to see your baby go through this, think about me. Try to imagine how I feel, and what I go through. No one wants to die, especially not a 15 year old. When faced with your immorality, it is very difficult.
