Boys of the Dark | ✓ (2015)

2. The Boy with the Melons

The sudden gust of wind lifted up the stack of papers on the desk before the secretary slammed her hand down.  "Here again, are we?" she said, without looking up from the keyboard. 

"It's never my fault!" Ryland exhaled out and slapped the pink slip on her desk. 

Behind her round spectacles, her dull eyes took a slow roll down to the paper.  "I thought you said you didn't need a guidance appointment?"

"I don't!" he roared and stomped past her into another room. 

By the time the secretary lifted her eyes, Delilah was already brushing past her.  "Miss—get a late slip!  Wait—who are you?!"

But Delilah didn't have time for annoying secretary ladies.  Before Ryland could slam the glass door on her again, she stuck her foot between and cut into the room.  A cloud of smoke followed behind as Melon Head snuck behind.  The joint-sucking idiot was never far.

The guidance counsellor looked up from her iPhone.  "Ew.  You again?"

Ryland flashed her a fake smile and plopped down on the first seat in front of her desk.  Delilah did too.  Melon Head reached for a seat, but the guidance counsellor flew a crazy hand up.  "Don't move!  Watch the wig!" 

Melon Head looked down and saw the black mop of strands sitting in the seat.  "Give it over," the guidance counsellor ordered. 

Mortified, Melon Head reached in and used only two fingers to pick it up.  "Put it on my lamp," she added.  He made a weird face, dropping it on the simple desk lamp.  She patted the top of the before settling back in her chair.  "Sorry.  I was running late for an assembly and felt more of a redhead today."  She gingerly pushed her red bob up and smiled. 

"Insert skull emoji here..." Melon Head distantly spoke, averting his gaze from the 50 Shades series on the shelves.  

"So"—the counsellor folded her two hands over each other and looked to Ryland—"What are we here for today?  Bullying incident?  Wedgie problem?  You killed a freshmen?" 

"This psychotic bitch came screaming in my gym class and claimed she has my child," Ryland yelled.

"Ah."  The counsellor took off her glasses and started folding the ends.  "It's one of these situations."

Ryland shot to the edge of his seat.  "What's that supposed to mean?"

She pointed the glasses at Ryland.  "Someone is fucking you over, Ryland." 

"As crazy as it sounds—I don't think this is a prank!"

"If you call inserting a living being into my vagina a prank, then this is the best fucking prank I've had in centuries," Delilah said. 

"Who are you?" the counsellor asked. 

"We're the new exchange students," Melon Head casually answered, leaning back in his chair. 

"Sir, we don't smoke in this institution," the counsellor ordered.  

"Then how the fuck do you get off?"

"You put your hand down your pants," Ryland said. 

Melon Head let out a bitter laugh.  "I like this one, Delilah.  Keep him."

But the Devil kept her arms crossed, steam pouring out of her ears.  "I don't know why the fuck I'm here.  I just wanted to talk with Ryland because he owns this fucking demon inside of me and I'd like him to take it out," Delilah explained.

Melon Head raised his hand.  "I swear I'm the only one on crack here."

The counsellor smacked his hand down with her pen.  "I don't even know why you're here.  Where's your pink slip?"