Everyone Died+My iPhone Stopped Working: An Oral History of The Robot Apocalypse

The Asshole Who Punched That Little Girl In The Face

When I got there, I saw that she had a squirrel on her head! I thought, "My God! She's being attacked!" And I also thought, "This is my chance!"

To redeem yourself?

Exactly! So I tried to knock the squirrel off her face. You know, before it could bite her. Because that's what good people do, right? They keep squirrels from biting little girls.

But the squirrel leapt away at the last second and I nailed the little girl right between the eyes. Boom! She goes down!

[Lucas groaned and face-palmed.]

Then her Mom comes running over, shouting, "The asshole who punched that little girl in the face just punched my little girl in the face!" Which, first of all, wasn't true. It was a more of a back-hand. Which, saying it out loud, doesn't sound that much better, but the point was I saved her from the squirrel!

Uh-huh...

No, see, there's that judgment again! I swear to you, I saved her! Now, normally, when a mother sees a total stranger accidentally smack her child, she is very understanding.

I don't think that's actually—

But she was biased against me because of that the video, so of course she thought I had assaulted her daughter.

Didn't her Mom hear her daughter screaming?

She did. But to her it sounded like "laughter."

What did the little girl say happened?

Nothing. She was out cold. You believe me, right? Right?

Um...

What?

It's just that... I thought squirrels hunted in packs. How come you saw just one?

Jesus! You sound just like the prosecution at my trial! Maybe this one went rogue! Maybe he was a scout! Maybe someone paid him to frame me! How the fuck should I know?

Anyway, surprise surprise, they found me guilty.

What was your punishment?

Twenty-four hours locked in a pillory.

A pillory? Like they used in the 1700's to punish people for crimes like hog theft and kissing their wife on the Sabbath?

Yes.

That's a weird choice, don't you think?

I guess it makes a strange kind of sense. I think people had really come to enjoy public shaming online and they were really excited to have an opportunity to do it again.

And they just happened to have a pillory lying around?

Of course not. But in camp, there was this creepy German guy, Heinrich. He knew how to make them. I think it might have been his side business before the Apocalypse.

What was it like spending a full day in a pillory?

Well, I wouldn't recommend it for someone with lower back pain, that's for sure. Also, there are no bathroom breaks, so make sure you "go" beforehand.

Solid advice.

And I've gotta say, as upsetting as it is to be hated by invisible strangers, visible strangers are so much worse! Pointing, laughing, spitting, throwing shit. And I mean that non-metaphorically. Plus, someone kept tickling me and calling me "schweinchen."

Heinrich?

That'd be my guess. The whole ordeal went on for hours and hours... until it night came and they all went away to sleep, leaving me alone in the dark.

Sounds awful.

I'll say this. Spending a whole night locked in a pillory, with nothing but you and the starlight and a powerful urge to pee... it really makes you think about your place in the world.

How so?

Well, I tried to save humanity. I did save that little girl.

Uh-huh...

[growls] But everybody still treated me like I was a necrophiliac Klansman selling peanut-laced crystal meth to school children.

Finally, I decided, "Screw it. They want to treat me like the bad guy, I may as well be the bad guy."

So I decided to join the other side.

By "other side" you mean...?

The robot side.

(To be continued...)