Secretary | muke [c]

Eighteen

The steady beeping of the ECG was the only thing keeping Michael awake. He had had two cups of coffee already and was holding himself back from having another one. He knew that if he did, he wouldn't be able to sleep at night and although he wanted to get through the case in his hands by that same night, he wasn't willing to give up his sleep for it. At that point in his life, the only time Michael felt like he could actually breathe was in his sleep, and no promotion was worth losing those few hours each day. Ashton had been breathing down his neck, checking in on every case Michael took to court and making sure he won every single one, and the amount of pressure Michael was under was slowly driving him insane. He felt like he was back in Chemistry class, being told every single day that if he didn't pass that class he wouldn't graduate. Except this time, Michael knew he was good at what he did, but was he good enough?

He placed the file down on the small table by the edge of the bed, removing his glasses and tossing them over the sheets of paper before rubbing his eyes. His father had left only about twenty minutes prior, but to Michael, it felt like an eternity. It got lonely to sit in a hospital room on his own while his mother slept, but he couldn't bear to go home and face Jane. Especially not on that night. He sighed heavily, resting his head on the palms of his hands as he closed his eyes, letting his thoughts jump around as he allowed himself to be pulled into sleep. The beeping of the ECG was the only sound that filled the room, beeping to the same rhythm as his mother's heartbeat.

It was only when the beeping increased drastically in speed before going into a flatline that Michael brought himself to wake up again, head snapping up and his body starting to jolt up from the uncomfortable hospital chair. He was about to run out into the hall, yelling for nurses to come in and bring his mother back to life; his heart was racing and his hands were shaking, but the fearful expression that graced his features were replaced with a hard glare as he saw his mother's eyes staring back at him blankly, her left hand raised in the air with the patch that was supposed to be attached to her chest.

"Don't fucking do that!" Michael exclaimed, throwing his hands in the air before plopping himself back down on the worn out leather seat. "I thought you were dead, woman." Karen allowed herself to chuckle softly as she shook her head. "Not funny, Mum."

"Well I wouldn't have to do it if you actually heard me call your name the last twenty seven times. I counted." She shot back, reattaching the patch to her chest and watching as the beeping picked up again before going back to the same steady rhythm as before. She snuggled further into the mattress, smiling softly at her son.

"What is it?" The black haired man mumbled, taking the empty paper cup that was once filled with coffee and tossing it across the room. Luckily for him, the paper cup hit the wall before falling directly into the bin.

"Oi!" Karen snapped, furrowing her eyebrows at her thirty six year old baby. "What do you think this is, a basketball court? If you need to throw something in the bin, you get up and put it there." Michael instantly shrunk back into his seat, making a nostalgic feeling spread through his mother's body. Even at thirty six years old, Michael reacted in the same way he would when Karen used the motherly tone on five year old Mikey. She heard Michael mutter a quick apology, looking down at his hands with a pout. "Anyways, what are you still doing here? It's your anniversary, why aren't you with Jane?"

"Because," Michael sighed, taking his glasses from the table and placing it back in its case neatly. "I've got a lot of work to do."

Karen narrowed her eyes at her son, knowing very well that he was lying. Karen could always tell when Michael lied, and this time, he wasn't even trying to make it seem believable. He had a miserable look on his face and dark bags under his eyes, he was short tempered and sulky. Michael had always been one to gush about a pretty girl he saw at school, or a cute boy that sat next to him on the bus. He would call his mother late at night from America, telling her how much he missed Jane and how he was going to marry her someday. Karen knew without Michael even having to tell her, that things were getting sour. Michael's eyes didn't shine at the mention of her name and neither did he go on and on about her anymore.

"Bullshit." She snorted. "You've always had a lot of work but that never stopped you from going out with your wife. Tell me what's going on, kiddo."

Michael sighed heavily, shaking his head as he rubbed his eyes again. "I don't want to bother you with my problems, Mum, just forget it."

"Your domestic shit isn't going to make my cancer spread, Michael, just tell me. I'm your mother." She huffed, reaching over to him and nudging him rather roughly for a sick sixty year old lady. Michael pouted, his hand instantly reaching up to rub the spot she had just hit with a low whine.

"You punch stronger than I do." He muttered with a frown. "Don't do that."

"Just tell me what is happening or I swear to god-"

"I met someone." Michael blurted out, covering his face with his hands as he groaned. "I met someone and I hate my wife."

"Don't say that." Karen frowned, suddenly becoming defensive. Jane had been the only girl Michael really dated, and although she hadn't seen much of the red head in the past months, she was her daughter-in-law. Hearing Michael say he hated her, made Karen disappointed. "She's your wife, Michael."

"It's true." He shook his head, eyes meeting his mother's so she knew he was being honest. "She's manipulative, bitchy, self centred and overall just a bad person. It took me so long to see it but now I do and it's like, I can't believe I even fell for her in the first place."

"Mike..." Karen clicked her tongue, looking sadly at her only son, who now looked sadder than ever before.

"I mean, I know I'm not the perfect husband either. I say things I shouldn't say sometimes but I always apologise for it when I know it's my fault, I am rude to her and yeah, I'm cheating on her. But honestly, I can't find it in me to feel sorry for her, to feel bad for what I'm doing and to want to stop. I have been unhappy in this marriage for years now, but only after Luke I realised that there's more out there than just my crappy marriage. I can be happy with someone else, and it can be simple and nice, like it is with Luke."

"So Luke is the person you met?" His mother asked hesitantly, looking him up and down questioningly. He nodded slowly, looking down at his feet before looking up at her again. "And you want to leave your wife, who you've been in love with for twenty years, for someone you think you might be in love with?" There was no judgement in her tone, Michael knew that at that point, she was only trying to get more of his feelings out of him. If it were up to him, the conversation would've ended there, but he knew his mother well enough to know there was still a lot to go through.

"No." He shook his head quickly. "I'm not in love with Luke, and I haven't been in love with Jane for years. I like Luke, I like him a lot and at first I was expecting myself to fall in love with him and for him to fall in love with me. But honestly, what difference does it make? We talk about things, we are comfortable with each other and I think he's probably the first person I go to when I need comfort. I don't need to be in love with him to have something that makes me happy, you know what I mean? And I think that I was so caught up in the idea that I had to be in love with Jane, that I didn't think that being happy is more important than being in love.

"I think I only recently realised how different it is to love someone, and to be in love with them. I was so obsessed with the idea of being in love with Jane, that I never really stopped to think that I don't love her. I don't put her happiness above mine and I don't want hold her hand when she has a bad day and tell her it'll be okay. But I was in love with her, I wanted her with me every second of every day and my stomach flipped whenever she looked at me and everything about what I felt for her was intensified because I thought that was how I had to feel.

"But Luke, is like... Luke is just Luke. When he frowns, all I want to do is make it go away and when he talks about all the crap that has happened in his life, I just think that I'd rather have it happen to me instead of him. I care deeply about him, and it's not the butterflies in my stomach when he looks at me or the desire to kiss him all the time. I don't get that, not in a 'I'm so in love with you' kind of way. It's more of a 'let me show you I am here and that I care' thing. All I get is the satisfaction of seeing him happy and I think that is what I never had with Jane. I can tell you right now, I can love Luke in the future, and maybe even fall in love with him along the way, but I can never love Jane. And I could never bring myself to fall in love with her again."

~~~

wasn't gonna update.....couldn't help myself.....

sorry bethany