30 Days To Fall In Love

Day Sixteen - Jake

***Jake***

It was a horrible feeling, not having any friends. The evening was lonely; there was nobody to go out to meet or to talk to. I had to spend the evening at home.

I sat in the living room, the heavy red curtains drawn shut and the lights dimmed. The television was on but I wasn’t watching it.

Sapphire came in clutching a folder and some notebooks. Her hair, usually flowing long and free, was tied up and she wasn’t wearing any makeup. She looked at me, sat sinking into the sofa and sighed.

“What’s wrong, Jake? I didn’t see you with your friends at lunch today,” she said.

I didn’t say anything.

“Did you fall out with them?” she asked.

I kept my lips pressed shut.

“Jake,” she sighed. “Why don’t you talk to me?”

She placed her things on the coffee table, next to three cold mugs of coffee Mum had gotten me but I’d forgotten. Then she sat down beside me. I noticed all of this from my peripheral vision, I could tell she was looking at me but I refused to look back at her.

“Jake,” she said with a sigh. “I’m worried about you.”

At that moment, Mum came in. I looked up, ready to glare at her, when I noticed what she looked like. She was crying. I wasn’t sure if it was from happiness or not.

“Children!” she announced. “Your father called again and...I told him he could visit!”

I stared at her, “What?”

I wasn’t sure how I felt about this. The other day I was angry that Mum had refused contact with him, yes, but was I really ready to see my Dad again? It had been so long! I could barely remember his voice.

His face was clear in my mind; after all, there were photographs of him everywhere. But his voice - what was it like? Was it deep and raspy, like tyres on gravel, or was it soft like velvet, too quiet to hear in the wind?

What did he smell like? Was his coat left with the stench of cologne or thick smoke? What did he say in the mornings? Did he wake me up before he left for work? Or would we only speak for the first time when he got back in the evenings? Would he welcome me with a tight hug, or just nod curtly at me?

I wanted to remember all these things, these pointless and unnecessary details that had been lost. I wanted to have the years back that we didn’t get. But I couldn’t. And now it was too late.

 If he came back now, it’d be like starting anew. I could picture it now, the awkward silences, the stunted conversation, the ‘oh my, haven’t you grown?’ 

It would be as if he wasn’t my Dad, just someone I once knew. And, in a way, he wasn’t my Dad. Not anymore. No, it wasn’t his fault. He left to get us money, he left to help us. He didn’t run away. But he left. And nothing could change that.

Sapphire and Mum were talking, I was silenced.

“Are you sure this is a good idea?” Saph asked.

“I don’t care if it’s a bad idea!” she laughed. “I...I only realised now how much I miss him. I’ve been so lonely these past five years.”

“Well, maybe you should’ve replied to his messages,” I snarled.

Mum sighed, “He hasn’t been trying to contact me all this time.”

“Don’t lie to me!” I snapped. “I bet he’s sent you letters every day. There are probably postcards and birthday presents hidden away in the attic!”