Qulsum

Meeting at the wedding.

My mom says it's not going to be a grand wedding. My soon to be mother in law bought me a blue and silver dress and a girl came in for makeup which hurt a lot. Especially my eyes. Pokes and pinches God that hurt.

I've never used makeup in all of my life. Not once. And how could I? When my mother wouldn't even let me have chap-stick! Not gonna lie at one point I was tempted to use it. Seeing all the other girls wearing some sort of makeup at parties and special occasions. My sisters got to use it but not me.

Now being a typical teenage girl I obviously wanted to wear it. After all I am a girl. Sometimes I wish to do or have things other girls can. I didn't get the chance to wear fancy dresses but I wasn't too tempted seeing they didn't look very comfortable.

But I do wish I at least got to wear makeup or a dress at least once because now I've lost that desire to wear that stuff.

I didn't think I'd end up shutting my eyes blinking over and over pushing my head away and letting tears out. Am I the only one whose gone through this? It's my first time. At the same time I felt good, knowing I was getting a chance to do something other girls did.

Later in the day I was brought into the hall. All attention turned to me and at that moment I was nervous. Just keep walking just keep walking. I kept my eyes on the ground not bothering to look at the man I would be spending the rest of my life with.

There was around 150 people maybe less.People never really came up to us. My mother had told my mother in law that she doesn't want a big party and that she'll give her the list of people. From her side she got 75 percent of the people and obviously they know who I am.

Just looking at her talking to the big crowd of women circling around her talking about me like usual, giving me that dirty look.

My sisters didn't do any good either. They obviously did the same with the girls. the 25 percent of people came occasionally. You usually don't wanna go when no one else is going you know.The only person who would constantly keep coming was the camera man. Who took pictures of us eating, sitting, talking.. crazy. Other than that no one else came.

My mother in law noticed and brought her friends and at one point many people came. When my mother in law invited a couple of my mom's friends they came up and gave me a dirty look. Didn't ask me how I am. Am I excited. How I look. No nothing. She simply came up to me and said. Finally they're free. And walked off.

She didn't even let me go on my wedding. I mean if not saying anything nice about me they could compliment the wedding decorations or just shut up. Nothing nice to say? Keep your mouth shut.

I wish this was all simple, but my mother in law wanted it a little more out and so my mom took advantage. At least if there were less people I wouldn't feel so embarrassed. I wonder what this guy is thinking. Probably that he's marrying a loser.

Thanks mom. Thanks family.

The part that hurt me the most was that my own father didn't come to me, just to ask if I'm okay if I wanted something, if I'm happy, Nope. Nothing. The whole entire day. He use to be my knight protecting me, I use to be his princess. But now it feels as if my own people had turned against me.

Who do I share all this to. That too without breaking down into tears. That too without embarrassing my family. All I wish for is good and for happiness so to me, every little thing that makes me happy is a big thing that made me happy.

Only to Allah, I could only cry to him and ask for strength for hope and happiness. I only felt comfortable crying to Allah and that's it. No one else.

I didn't like people coming to reassure me, I just wanted to cry to Allah and ask for his help. Not my friends, not my family, and not from quotes. It's a thing! People feel better when they see inspiring quotes. That's there way.

But for me? No. It's pretty logical, if you think about it. When you're a baby you cry to your mom and dad because they buy things for you they give you what you need.

So now, why would I ask people's help when the only one that can actually help you is Allah. It's his creations his will. He knows whats best for us. Without his will, not a single feather would move.

-

The whole entire wedding we had not yet spoken to one another. He was quiet. He didn't speak much only to his mother would he properly talk to.

My father finally came for the ring exchange. Most people want a ring. A nice big diamond or gold ring.
I don't want a ring. I want happiness. A promise for happiness and I'm willing to leave the ring out.

Everyone waits for me to put my hand out and I feel weird. I've never done this.

I put my shaky hand out and he takes the ring from his mother and I kind of lean back kind of nervous about this whole "ring thing" He grasps my hand with the other one and slides the ring on and everyone smiles and aw's. Relax. Relax woman RELAX

My dad gives me the ring and I swallow. My hand was shaking. Relax.

He puts his hand out and I hesitate and I awkwardly very very awkwardly put my hand under his for support and slide the ring on and quickly sit back properly relieved. I did it. Wow. I feel so confident.
Eating greeting praying and sitting. The whole time.

It was time to go now. So I got up and boy did it feel weird. My dress felt so heavy all the sudden The groom walked down first and let out his hand for me to take to walk down with some support. Well this is weird. But he seems nice and respectful. I'm taking this as a good sign.

I take it and walk down and pull my hand away. My mother in law comes and makes me hold my spouse's arm like we were going to some high school party.

The feeling of touching a man was very new to me as I have never really touched a guy only when I was a kid. Not like a pervert okay.

Everyone expects me to cry. But I won't. No matter what happens. Not out of joy or sorrow. Not ever Not in front of everyone.

~

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~Be Loyal and Stay Royal~