The Worst Warriors Fanfic Ever

Book 2 Chapter 5

Blaze here for the next chapter! I have a cookie for everyone who chokes on their laughter.

Chapter 5

The author suddenly remembered that Milkkit still existed. Or is it Milkpaw now? Probably, even though there was no mention of her at the naming ceremony for Orangekit. But it's ok, because we all know that she was going to be the next medicine cat.

Milkpaw padded into the camp, jaws stuffed with various herbs and leafy plants. She dropped them all on the floor of the medicine cat den and proceeded to stuff the leaves inside the various pockets on the wall of the den where the herbs were stored.

"How did we make these perfect, hollow pockets in the wall of the den?" Milkpaw asked her unnamed mentor, who I have just decided will be called Juniperfoot because I am not writing the UMCA a thousand times, and because surprise, he's a full named warrior now!

"It was there since the dawn of time." Juniperfoot bit out.

"How did we figure out what all these herbs do? Did someone test them out on some poor suffering cats?" Milkpaw asked.

"StarClan gave us the knowledge!" He growled. Milkpaw ignored him, sniffing her way through the already perfect herbs.

"Why is this named catmint if the humans call it catnip?" She asked, holding up the last of their preciously stored hoard of catmint.

"Will you stop asking so many questions? And stop touching that!" He snatched the herbs from her and stuck it in his vault in the back of the den, where the yewberries were typically kept. Milkpaw memorized the number code that he punched in, but looked away innocently when he turned back to her.

"Why did you take so many herbs? I only told you to get some comfrey!" He said. She shrugged, seeing nothing wrong with how the herb pockets were so filled that they were overflowing.

"Won't we need it for when our entire Clan comes back from fighting ShadowClan? Although I never do see anyone with an injury unless it's a thorn in some-cat's paw or they're blind or something." She mused. Juniperfoot rolled his eyes.

"You know what? Yes, we do need the herbs. Go all the way to the twolegplace located very conveniently next to our Clan and only our Clan, and gather some more catmint for me. I... I mean, for the Clan." He turned away from her and started chewing on a leaf. Milkpaw was able to make out his crazed muttering of "My precious.... my delicious preccciouuussssss...."

She shrugged and backed out of the den, heading straight back into the forest completely alone even though she was a day-old apprentice who was barely trained and shouldn't know where the Twolegplace is.

She took a few steps and magically teleported to the Twolegplace. She jumped casually over the first fence that she saw and strolled into the Twoleg's garden, ignoring the Twoleg who was currently in the garden picking some strange red flowers.

"Hmmm... oh, catmint!" She walked over to the plant and carefully cut off a few leaves. This plant was extremely healthy and grew very tall-much taller then any of the wild plants would because of the amount of pesticides it was probably filled with.

With her jaws filled, she got ready to go back to her camp when a fat black and white kittypet stood in front of her.

"Hi! Is that catnip? Can I get some? My Twoleg never lets me eat hers because she thinks I go crazy from it. But I heard it's super healthy and I really really really really wanted to try some because I haven't had any today. Also if you give me some now I won't have to go over the fence myself and get some, and that takes forever because I'm fat because my Twoleg feeds me too much..." He babbled in her face.

She slowly pushed a leaf towards him, unsure of if she should just try to shove him aside and run or indulge him. He picked up the leaf and gobbled it down, eyes closed in obscene pleasure at the taste.

"Ohhhh, thank you! Sorry, I get crazy without my catnip. I'm Joe. Are you a Clan cat?" He asked calmly. Milkpaw took a few steps backwards, intent on being an actually sane cat and just returning home, but she suddenly found herself being herded into a corner of the yard where there were a lot of sweet smelling flowers.

"Uhh... I'm Milkpaw." She tried to carefully make her way to the edge, intent on running away, but Joe had his eyes on her.

"Where are you going? You're doing this all wrong!" He complained after the sixth time of her attempting to escape his grasp.

"I just want to leave!" She yowled. He tutted and shook his head.

"But Milkpaw, you aren't following the script. You are supposed to go on a random adventure for no particular reason into the Twolegplace where you meet me, the random unknown cat that you fall instantly in love with on sight even though we have nothing in common. Then you will go home, feel totally love-sick until suddenly a random cat, probably a medicine cat from another Clan, comes up to us and proclaims your everlasting and undying love for each other that will turn this all into one very sloppily done love-triangle! Also Orangepaw gets all the real plot!"

Milkpaw just stared at him.

"Here, it's all in the script." He insisted, shoving the piece of paper into her paws. She used her magical reading skills to zoom over the page.

"But what if I don't want to-"

"SILENCE. DO AS YOU ARE TOLD." A loud StarClan-esque voice cut her off. Milkpaw shrugged before dramatically dropping her bundle of catmint onto the ground.

"Oh Joe let's have a secret but obvious romance together!" Then she fell onto the floor in front of him in a dramatic faint. After a few moments she opened one eye. "Was that what you wanted?" She asked.

"GOOD ENOUGH! COMMENCE  WITH THE ROMANCE." The StarClan voice replied before going silent.

So Milkpaw spent the rest of the day with Joe as they talked about nothing relevant and did nothing interesting or important with each other.

When she finally got home with the herbs, the entire Clan was waiting for her.

"Where were you?!" Some random cat yelled out. "While you were gone, Juniperfoot got high on catmint! Then all the ThunderClan cats came back from the battle completely unharmed except for this one insignificant cat who sustained enough injuries that he is in critical condition. But since you weren't here to instantly help him he will probably have a really dramatic death! Where were you?"

Milkpaw shrugged innocently.

"I was collecting herbs." She showed them her bundle of catmint.

"Oh ok." The cat said, and the Clan all dispersed except for the three distant relatives/siblings of the insignificant injured cat, who all began wailing in sorrow even though the injured cat was perfectly fine.

Milkpaw shrugged again and returned to the medicine cat to sleep, ending the chapter's extreme lack of plot.