Falling Slowly [Barry Allen]

Chapter 39

DISCLAIMER: If you haven't seen the episode "Out of Time," there could be minor spoilers in this chapter! Also, I'm changing up the show's storyline a little, just so you all know. :)

A/N: I'm putting the author's note here this time because I like the ending of this chapter and I don't want to ruin the mood. :) Happy #TheFlashSeason2 Day for all of my US readers! Here's a gift for you all in honor of the season premiere. :)

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"Can we put on some music, please?" I ask in a whisper, closing my eyes and taking a deep breath. "I'm not sure I can take the silence much longer."

"Absolutely," Cisco replies immediately, and the slightest bit of a smile creeps its way onto my face before disappearing as quickly as it had come. "What do you want?"

"Um... Taylor Swift?" Cisco puts on his iPod, and I take it from his hand. "I have the perfect song," I added, scrolling through his immaculate library of music. I tapped the song I wanted and closed my eyes once more, leaning back in my chair.

"The jury's out, but my choice is you...

So don't you worry your pretty little mind,

People throw rocks at things that shine and

Life makes love look hard.

The stakes are high, the water's rough...

But this love is ours."

Cisco and Caitlin were smiling when I opened my eyes again, causing me to blush the same color as Barry's suit. "Sorry," I apologized, "I sing when I get stressed. It helps."

I heard a sound from what sounded like outside, and my breath hitched. It sounded like a sonic boom, but I could have misheard.

I closed my eyes and sent up a silent prayer. Oh please, God, let Barry be okay.

When I opened them again, Dr. Wells had appeared in the room. Where has he been this whole time?

Probably devising an evil plan to kick some puppies or something.

He glances at me quickly before checking the monitor displaying Barry's vitals, all still higher than normal and consistently fluctuating every so often, each spike giving me my own mini heart attack.

"I hate feeling so helpless," I murmured, pulling my knees up to my chest on the chair and wrapping my arms around them, holding them to me.

"Barry's vitals indicate that he's still alive," Wells states, thinking deeply about something. His heart rate and respiration rate are fluctuating sporadically... Do we know why?"

"Probably because he's in trouble," I sassed, not in the mood to deal with Wells at this point.

His eyes pass over me, but he doesn't say anything. Is he actually going to ignore my comment? Wow, maybe he has a soft spot for me or something. Or maybe I look so insane and off my rocker from anxiety that he's afraid I'll blow up if he says the wrong thing. Both could easily be accurate.

"We don't know at this point what is causing the fluctuation, but I've been working on accessing the microphone and the camera built into Barry's suit. Cisco's almost finished it," Caitlin explains.

"Correction. I have finished it," Cisco says proudly, making a few final keystrokes and causing me to smile again despite my current emotional state. I knew this guy would be an amazing best friend.

I jump out of my chair and am beside Cisco in an instant, gazing at the monitor.

It's completely black.

I release the breath I'm holding, dropping to the granite floor as my knees give out underneath me.

The lab spins, and I have to duck my head between knees, pressing my temples with my kneecaps in order to keep myself from throwing up again from the vertigo.

Barry's gone. He isn't coming back. I've lost him forever.

Oh my God.

As much as I try to hold them, a tear drips from each of my eyes, and I keep my head between my knees so the STAR Labs team can't see how vulnerable I am. I have to get up, but I can't force my legs underneath me.

I feel hands on my back, and I can hear Caitlin whispering to me, how it's going to be okay, about how he could still miraculously be alive, how we never know anything for sure. But I can tell that she doesn't believe her own words.

I'm wracked with emotion, not knowing what to feel first: sadness, anger, despair, loss, confusion. It's overwhelming, and I can't make my brain work properly.

Our entire relationship plays itself over in my mind: Iris talking to me about him, even while we were in college, our first meeting at the CCPD, our first dance under the gazebo at Christmas, Trivia Night at Jitters, our first kiss, telling him about my parents, finding out Barry is The Flash, Barry saving me from my kidnapper, watching Divergent and eating pizza in his apartment, him appearing in my room and finding out about my past relationships, our matching outfits on date night, and what seems like only a few moments ago when he told me he loved me. And I told him that I loved him too.

The tears are streaming harder now, and no force in heaven or on earth could make them stop. The edges of my vision begin to darken, and that's when I realize something.

My dreams. This is what they were warning me about.

Barry was running away from me, and I was never able to catch him. I couldn't make him come with me to safety, because he knew he couldn't abandon what he believes in. My parents were warning me about him, that loving him would only cause me pain.

And they were right.

This had to be fate, that we would never be together. Maybe that's why my parents were coming to me in my dream, to warn me to leave before things could progress to this level. Maybe it was God in the dream, looking out for me because He knew this would happen. But I wouldn't listen, because I had finally found a nice guy who treated me like I had dreamed of being treated by a man.

And now he's gone, disappeared from my life forever like some sort of sick magic trick. And I would give anything for that cruel magician to bring him back again.

As the darkness creeps closer to the center of my vision, I'm vaguely aware of some commotion in the lab. It sounds like a monitor is beeping somewhere in the distance, and there is frantic shuffling somewhere near my position on the floor, but I'm so zoned out that I don't lift my head to investigate.

My only thoughts are of Barry, and how much I miss him, and how much I wish I could tell him just how much I miss him, and I play this little game in my head called "What would I give up for just one more minute with him?" But I guess a better question would be, What wouldn't I give up?

I can barely see now and I know I'm about to give into the darkness, and I decide it's probably better for my body since I'm currently not able to function anyway. Maybe I just need to rest a little.

When I close my eyes once more, I can see Barry's face behind my eyelids.

He's smiling, like he always is.

I can hear his voice,

saying my name over

and over,

telling me to wake up,

that he's going to be okay.

And I want to believe his voice in my head, but I just don't have the energy to stay awake any longer. I drift into unconsciousness, and it's the most relaxed I've felt since he left.