Everyone Died+My iPhone Stopped Working: An Oral History of The Robot Apocalypse

Girl, You Know That You're My Girl, Girl

Benji O'Day is humble. Benji O'Day understands that he is just a drop of water in an infinite ocean. Benji O'Day learned that while sailing on his yacht, the S.S. Benji O'Day.

I fought this concert idea as long as I could.

That makes no sense. You just got through saying that God spared you specifically to lift people's spirits through song.

And that is exactly what Benji O'Day will do.

Against your will.

As the good Lord intended!

Well, that's weird, but fine. So... what new songs did you write for this concert?

New songs?

Yeah. Something special for the occasion.

[suddenly, he seemed very nervous]

Well... people at concerts... they... um... well... you know... they really just want to hear Benji O'Day's hits. "Girl, You Know That You're My Girl, Girl." "Woman, You're My Girl." "Girl, You Ain't No Woman." "If I Could Be a Woman, Girl, You'd Be The Woman I'd Be."

Sure, but come on. The first original R&B song of the post-Apocalyptic era! People would go nuts!

Benji O'Day's not really feeling it. Benji O'Day thinks everyone will be perfectly happy with the old stuff.

I feel like there's something you're not telling me.

[Benji looked guiltily at the floor] No.

Benji? Do you not write your own songs?

Hahahahaha! That's the most ridiculous thing Benji O'Day has ever heard! It's laughable! Benji O'Day is laughing right now! Hahahahaha! See? Benji O'Day is laughing at your ridiculousness! Hahahahaha!

You don't, do you?

[looks around uneasily; lowers voice]

You have to promise Benji O'Day that you won't publish any of what he's about to tell you.

I promise.

[Note: I lied.]

Benji O'Day pays someone to write songs for him.

You had to pay someone to write: "Girl, you know you're my girl, girl / Girl, you know it's you, / Girl, you know you're my world, world / Girl you know it's true"?

You couldn't come up with that on your own? Seriously?

Listen, songwriting is a lot harder than you— Hey, why is that guy in the cage still taking notes?

Oh, he's not. He's... uh... working on a Pokemon/Sherlock fanfic crossover. Nothing to do with you.

Anyway, it's not such a big deal. People don't care about your songwriting. It's your God-given voice! That's what people want to hear, right?

Yeah. [he looked guiltily at the floor again] Benji O'Day's voice...

What's wrong?

Um...Benji O'Day... can't sing, either.

What?! But I've heard you sing. Are you telling me that wasn't you?

No. It was Benji O'Day. But... do you know what autotune is?

I'm not an idiot. Of course I do.

[I didn't, but Lucas filled me in. Autotune is computer software that fixes out-of-tune vocal performances. It takes off-key notes and puts them on key. It can turn crappy singers into terrific singers.]

Benji O'Day's voice is terrible!

It's probably not as bad as you think.

Oh, yeah? [he sings a few lines]

Holy shit! You weren't kidding! That sounded like someone vomiting while scraping their fingernails on a blackboard as two cats are fucking.

See?

So the bottom line is, you're a fraud.

Moses was a stutterer and He was summoned by God to speak for Him. Benji O'Day is vocally challenged and he was summoned by God to sing for Him. Moses used Aaron; Benji O'Day used Autotune.

That may very well be the best rationalization I've ever heard.

Thank you. Benji O'Day has had a long time to think about it.

But... wait... I don't get it. You can't write songs, you really can't sing... how did you get into music in the first place?

It's all about the look. Benji O'Day has charisma. Benji O'Day has presence. And this body. [He lifted his shirt] See Benji O'Day's abs? Bad pitch can be autotuned, but there is no such thing as auto-abs!

So that's why you didn't want to do the concert!

Yes! Benji O'Day tried so hard to get out of it! But the people were relentless! And who could blame them? They were looking to Benji O'Day to give them something positive in their lives. How could Benji O'Day say no?

But you'll sound horrible.

Not necessarily.

Benji O'Day managed to get a hold of an autotune device. It wasn't cheap. It cost Benji O'Day fifty.

Dollars?

Rolls. Of toilet paper.

And it'll make Benji O'Day sound like he always did. There's one problem, though.

I get it. It's advanced technology, which might attract the robots. So if you use autotune...

Benji O'Day could die.

(To be continued...)