The Rent Boy (EDITING)

Chapter Thirty-Six: Logan's Goodbye-

    "Ash, just calm down," Nate let his head fall forward, as though in resign. "I don't know why Logan wanted to get to know you, he had his reasons and I have mine-" 

    "Past tense, brilliant. Yeah, fucking point out that he's gone. I really need that, Nate, thank you." I smiled, but it was one of pain and disbelief as I walked backwards and forwards, unable to keep my feet still even though my legs were barely holding me up.

    "Ash I didn't mean to-" 

    "No it doesn't matter, forget it. Forget it. He had his reasons, so what are yours?" My voice dipped and cracked and rasped trying to form the words against the trembling of my lips and the caving of my throat. My chest tightened as I waited for his answer. 

    "I don't know, Ash, maybe I just saw you and thought 'damn, he's fucking hot' and decided to rent you and it all went tits up from there because I couldn't stop thinking about you, and I didn't have to know you to know that I wanted you more than I've ever wanted anything in my life.  I don't know, Ash, I'm still trying to figure it out myself. I have no fucking clue what's so goddamn special about you." 

    His tone was daring, challenging, asking me to fight back but I couldn't. I had nothing to say in retaliation. But our eyes bored into each others, neither looking away until I brushed a palm down my face and shifted a couple of steps backwards in stun. 

    "But I know," Nate started again, voice quiet, now, "that you love him. And I'm not going to try and compete with that. But just because you don't feel the same about me as you do him, doesn't mean that I still don't want to know you and spend time with you."

    My mouth opened, trying to speak, but soon after closed once I realised I couldn't even find any words. Nate's gaze searched for mine again, filled with sincerity and sadness. 

    "I am so, so sorry that you lost him so soon, and that there's nothing I can do to take away any of your pain. But I'm here for you if you need me, and as long as you know that then-" his mind failed him as he ran out of words, shaking his head gently as he dug the heels of his palms into his eyes. 

    I couldn't do much except stare at him dumbfounded, swaying on my feet slightly as though I would drop any moment. The room was filled with silence, Nate didn't look as though he was about to say anything more and I couldn't even muster up a comprehensible sentence.

    But I didn't need to as I felt something buzzing inside my pocket. It took a few minutes for me to find the intelligence to pull my phone from my pocket and inspect the screen to find that I had a new message. The number was familiar, the same one that had called me to tell me Logan was in the hospital. 

    I opened the text and it read: 

    The funeral's today at 1pm, Berrelton Cemetery. You need to be there.

    I blinked slowly at the screen, the words making my stomach feel sick and my throat to close up almost completely. First of all, to get to the cemetery I'd have to walk past Logan's house, but secondly and most importantly, I don't think I could watch them putting his body into the ground. I just don't think I could handle that. I couldn't handle it right now, and that was just by thinking about it.

    And why would I need to be there? For closure? Seeing him buried wasn't going to give me goddamn closure. I wasn't even sure that I wanted closure. I didn't know what I wanted or what I was going to do. 

    "Ash?" Nate prompted softly, asking me to explain why I was probably staring down at my phone with a horrified expression. I glanced up at him with wide eyes.